Dear Diary (IV)

I celebrated my 33rd birthday a few days ago. I am usually very excited about my birthday. I don't feel that way at all this year. It's hard to explain but I just feel indifferent about it. I am feeling unlike myself today and I really don't like it. I decided a while back to blog everyday, even if I didn't feel like it (which is the case right now) or when I couldn't (I'd force my way through it). I've been told that I feel too much, too deep. It is the gift and the curse. Anyway, it's my birthday and I'm thankful for making it through another year. I do not know what will happen next. I'm just really praying that it is something awesome. I need that. I've been thinking about not blogging so much in the new year. Maybe just once a week or so. 33 seems like such a weird age. I am older and wiser but I feel like I'm missing something. Anywho, this is just the ramblings of a new 33 year old searching for the meaning of, well, everything.

I'm not a perfect person. I know that I'm spoiled and opinionated and a little selfish. I have a big personality. I am always working on me. I want to be more conscious and aware of the feelings of others. I have to work on not taking things so personal. I'm good at hiding that from others. But a lot of things affect me. And some times they are very small things. I am, by nature, a sarcastic smart ass. I've learned how to curb some of that. I do love the folks in my life that can take me full throttle. I've held my tongue a lot this year. My coping mechanism is to count to 10 in my head and just breath through it. It's worked wonders. I hate to apologize so this eliminates that.

I still have a "I don't give a fcuk" attitude about a lot of things and certain people. That's a classic and will not be changing ever. I can't make myself care about any person, place or thing that doesn't rate in my book. I'm just trying to better myself daily. I think that's the real purpose of life. Improving on what/who you are. It's an attainable goal for everyone. I'm just a woman, a natural dealer of words, a struggling Christian, a work in progress. Those are just some of my attributes. I'm on the road to gaining a few more titles. It's inevitable. It's my destiny. They are the things I daydream about. Often. So close to having exactly what my mind has thought of. I couldn't be more excited.