Friday, December 31, 2010

My Year in Preview: Looking Ahead to 2011

It's time to say goodbye to 2010. It was quite a year. I am hopeful, determined, and clearly excited about the new year. Going into 2011, I am the most optimistic that I've ever been. My mind is so clear and fully focused. I know what I want and that I will get it all. I know now that what God has for me is for me. I will meet my future face to face. I plan on moving in the direction of where my future lies. I will continue to nurture and develop my relationship with HIM. I've finally voiced my intense desire to get married and have kids. I want the whole all American family; husband, kids, dog/cat, and a house with a white picket fence (ok maybe not the fence lol). I cannot wait to be pregnant & give birth to my own kids. Specifically, two girls and a boy. I will further my education. I will def be changing career paths. I need to do something fulfilling with my life. I'm sure that writing is it. I will smile more while worrying less. I'm a firm believer in speaking it with your mouth & believing it with your heart. We give life to everything we put out into the universe. I'm finally ready to live my life. I'm excited about my future and all that it entails. I am finally on the road to my destiny. There is no better gift than that for me in 2011. So au revoir & adios to 2010 and bonjour & hola to 2011. I plan on making this year a great one!

The Reverb Project - Day 17 - 31

This is the second half of my Reverb10 Project.

December 17th - Lesson Learned - What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

The most important thing I learned about myself this year is that I can allow myself to be open again. For almost a year and a half, I was very closed off. I was not in the mood or position to let someone into my life or into my heart. I just didn’t want to deal with that. But, I’m in a much better place now. My heart is def open now. I will continue to follow this path of openness, of allowing myself to feel. That is all I can do. And, I know that it will be the best thing ever.

December 18th - Try - What do you wanna try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did or didn’t go for it?

In the following year, I would like to try to write something every day. I am committed to writing because in the words of dream hampton, “writers write.” I wanted to try a few things in 2010. Some of them worked out really well, others not so much. But, either way, I’m thankful for the experience.

December 19th - Healing - What healed you this year? Was it sudden or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

I realized that there was still hope. I had lost that feeling for a while. So, in a way, I was healed by the possibility of hope. It was def a drip-by-drip evolution. It was a slow and steady process. It was def needed in my life this year. In 2011, I would like to be healed of any negative thoughts or actions. I would love to eliminate them totally. that would be quite great to me.

December 20th - Beyond Avoidance - What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? Bonus: Will you do it?

The one thing I should’ve done was just to go. Take the trip I have to take. I was stopped by my fear. I will do it and soon. Because I know its the pathway to my future.

December 21st - Letter To Your Future Self - I blogged about this already here

December 22nd -Travel - How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

In 2010, I did not travel enough. That was not the highlight of 2010. I need to travel internationally. It’s a definite must for 2011. I am craving an island vacation, somewhere exotic though. There are a few places I would to vacation in the next year. Mykonos Island, Greece; Fiji; Belize; Turks and Caicos; Dubai, Ochos Rios, Jamaica; Capri, Italy; and St. Thomas just to name a few. I’ve also never been to NYC or Miami or Vegas. So they are on my must see list as well. I’m just ready to go.

December 23rd - New Name - Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

If I had to pick a new name, of would be Kelsi. I’ve been in love with this name for a while now. When I have a daughter, I’m sure this will be her name. I think its a very cute name. And, I just really like it

December 24th - Everything’s OK - What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

The best moment that I can think is New Year’s Day. I just kinda had an epiphany while talking to some family members. I felt lighter as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I just knew that I would be just fine. That my life was changing. I’ve used that feeling to drive me through this year and will continue to use it in 2011

December 25th – Photo – A present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

This picture best captures who I am. This was snapped on my way to my best friends wedding. It was taken by my cousin. It best reveals about me that I am genuinely happy about my life & those that I love. This was a very wonderful day.

December 26th - Soul Food -What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

The one meal that I remember the most was crab cakes and salad from Semolinas. It has become my new favorite dish. I need to get the recipe. I can’t say it touched my soul though.

December 27th - Ordinary Joy - Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

Simply seeing my youngest nephew Kole light up when he sees me. He is very attached to his parents and very spoiled. But finally he has warmed up to other people and his recognition and acknowledgement of me was my one joyful ordinary moment of this year.

December 28th - Achieve - What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

The one thing I want to achieve the most next year is conquering my fear and living the life I love and deserve. I’m sure I will feel happy and free and loved and complete and totally blissful. I know the steps I need to take to get me to there. It’s all about stepping out on faith which is huge. But I see my destiny within my grasp.

December 29th - Defining Moment - Describe a defining moment that has affected your life this year.

At the beginning of the year, while having lunch with my cousin and my brother, I had a lightbulb moment. I felt whatever had been wearing me down lift off me. I just knew that everything that I was carrying from 2009 was over. That I would be perfectly fine. And, I was so right. Things I never expected have transpired this year. 30 was a good look.

December 30th - Gift - This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

The best and most unexpected gift I received this year had to be love. You cannot measure it or quantify it or see it. But, I feel it deep inside of me. It was a gift because I didn't know I needed it, deserved it, desired it until it presented itself to me. Isn't that the ultimate gifft?

December 31st - Core Story - What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?.

I think my core story is one of love. Because when I love, I love hard and with every thing in me. This is a no brained when it comes to my family. But, what I've realized is that this is also true about me when it comes to the people I let into my life. Once you're in my heart, you're in. This year, I found myself in a situation where I had no choice but to open my heart. Love has a way of doing that. I didn't know I needed it, wasn't even looking for it. I cannot wait to see how my core story grows in the new year.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Reverb Project - Day 1 - 16

Reverb 10 (#reverb10) is now an annual event, an inspired response to (and evolution of) #best09. It’s an open online initiative that encourages participants to reflect on this year and manifest what’s next. It’s an opportunity to retreat and consider the reverberations of your year past, and those that you’d like to create in the year ahead.

December 1st - One Word - Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you.

My word is “brand-new.” I am choosing this word because it fully explains this year. I’ve experienced some brand-new feelings and thoughts this year. I’m more than happy about that. One year from today, I would love for the word to be “blissful.” I’m def working towards that.

December 2nd - Writing - What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

The thing I do most that doesn’t contribute to my writing is procrastinating. I freewrite alot. But, I never really write with focus. I can def eliminate this. I just have to work on it.

December 3rd - Moment - Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

This is actually an easy question to answer. A week ago, I had the deepest, most emotional and adult conversation with literally the best man I know. I have never been that open and honest with a man about the way I feel. And, I’ve never had a man be so free with me. I felt every word that he spoke. They made me feel all pink and extremely girly. I was delighted and amazed. I was overcome with emotion. But, I was never afraid or ashamed of that. This is only because of him. His voice speaking those words are still on a constant loop in my mind.

December 4th - Wonder - How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year.

Wonder is not an easy thing to capture. But, somehow, I did. In every phone call and email and text from HIM, I held a small piece of wonderful in my hands and in my heart.

December 5th - Let Go - What (or whom) did you let go off this year? Why?

I let go off a girl I used to be the best of friends with. I outgrew the friendship. It was just that’s simple. We’re still cool but I wouldn’t call her my friend. Hey, it is what it is.

December 6th - Make - What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something that you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

I haven’t made anything in a while. I would love to sit and create a Jackson Pollack-inspired painting one day when I’m free. He’s one of my favorite artists. I will use bright paint colors and a nice sized piece of drawing paper.

December 7th - Community - Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create, or more deeply connect with in 2011?

The place that I’ve found community in 2010 has been on Twitter and Tumblr. I’ve had the funniest, thought provoking and funny conversations on these two sites. In 2011, I think I need to focus on an actual community.

December 8th - Beautifully Different - Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on the things that make you different - you’ll find that they are what make you beautiful.

What makes me different? I am a nurturer. I love to take care of people.I’m a great listener and have been told that I give great advice. I tend to remember very specific things about people and always remember birthdays. I think its the little things that count when it comes to family and friends. My heart makes me beautifully different.

December 9th - Party - What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drinks, clothes and shenanigans.

My little cousins high school graduation party in May. It was filled with family and friends. There was bbq and a seafood boil. We (the of age people) drank daiquiri’s and Grey Goose. The weather was sunny and then rainy and back to sunny in a 6 hour period. It was hot, very hot. There was some music from the radio. I enjoyed seeing everyone. We laughed all day. It was a great celebration

December 10th - Wisdom - What was the wisest decision you made this year and how did it play out for you?

The wisest decision I made this year was to allow myself to feel. That’s a huge deal to me because I’d put up this wall. It has played out in many unexpected ways, all incredible positive. I am so full and happy :)

December 11th - Things - What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

My 11 things are fear, loss, procrastination, drama, despair, sadness, heartbreak, anti-social attitude, distance, emo moments, and anger.

I am making a conscious effort to stay away from these elements. I try not to engage in or succumb to them. I believe that with prayer, I can continue down this path. Getting rid of these things will ultimately lead me to my own idea of contentment.

December 12th - Body Integration - This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

I always feel most integrated with my body. I’m very conscious of my body & my self image. I have been this way since I was about 17. I went from being very thin to very curvy. I like me and that is the next thing ever.

December 13th - Action - When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

My next step is actually writing this book. I mean sitting still long enough to flesh out my ideas and bring these characters to life. My procrastinating has to end.

December 14th (MY BDAY)- Appreciate - What’s the one thing/person you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude about it?

The one person that I’ve come to appreciate most in 2010 has to be KJB. There is nothing or no one who has meant more to me in the past year. I express my gratitude to him with my words. I let him know how much I appreciate him all the time with my laughter, conversations, texts, words (spoken & written) amongst other things. I’m sure he knows exactly where I stand at this point ;)

December 15th - 5 Minutes - Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in 5minutes. Set an alarm and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

I want to remember my growth this year. And all of the heart to hearts I had with each of my siblings separately this year. I would record any time I hung out with my fave cousin. I def would record the Saints epic Superbowl win and the party that I was @ when it happened. And, hanging with my other fam that weekend in March. I wanna remember the moment that he came back into my life. I def wanna remember the most important conversation and best birthday present from yesterday. All of the conversations I’ve had with my nephews and nieces, my Mom’s 50th birthday and all of the great music and literature that I’ve discovered this year. I think that about fills up my 5 minutes.

December 16th - Friendship - How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

I was given a little more insight into the life of a Muslim woman in Saudi Arabia by a friend. It really opened my eyes. This was a gradual change.

My Year in Review: Life

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - Soren Kierkegaard

That quote personifies how I've felt about the past year. It's the end of the year & its always a time of reflection. 2010 was a pretty good year. Especially compared to the colossal downpour that 2009 was. I am hopeful looking ahead to 2011. That is the word that I'm using going forward.

Life has a funny way of giving you just what you need when you aren't even looking for it. This let's me know that God has an ill sense of humor. I spent most of 2009 being very introspective. I was trying to get down to the very essence of who I was. Beginning in 2010, I decided that I was ok. That I was lovable. Situations in 2008 made me doubt myself.

In 2010, I got myself back. I lost sight of who I truly was for a while. This year, I laughed more, stressed less, and made a conscious effort to just live life. I'm not exactly where I want to be yet. I feel like I'm well on my way there. I weeded out some bad friends and tightened my friendships with some great people. I'm writing more which is a great thing. I've found more ways to making my own happiness. That has been the key. I embarked on a personal religious journey to get a better, deeper understanding of the Bible. I've read books that are of a more varied genres.

Life has been quite extraordinary this year. I believe that it will get even better going forward. I am trying to turn myself from an often pessimist to a daily optimist. It's not easy but by changing the way I think, I will change the way I see things. Life in 2010 was one for the books. I have no doubt that 2011 will be as well.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Get Into It: The iPad

I like gadgets. And, the iPad is the ultimate gadget. What doesn't it do? It's a great toy. There will be a new 2.0 version of the iPad availiable in April 2011. Retails for $499.00. Get Into It!

My Year in Review: Family

Family for me can easily defined by blood and the people you surround yourself with. I love my family. No, we aren't perfect, but we always love. In the past year, my family has been a huge part of who I am.

I grew closer to my sisters this year. That was the best thing ever. My relationship with my brother changed. I strengthen my relationship with my cousins. I stayed out of the drama that family some time causes. I've learned that I do not have to engage in every family issue. I plan on continuing this in the future. I will fight for them when they need me to. I am here for support for all of them and vice versa. There is nothing better than that love.

At the end of the day, family is what really matters. No, we aren't perfect. And, I wouldn't change that or them. I love these people. They are the backbone to who I am. That is love.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Ms K From A-Z

A - Asshole: Sometimes *shrugs*
B - Best Friend: Ty, Chuck, Niaga, Tell.
C - Cant Tolerate: Ignorance.
D - Determined: To NEVER settle.
E - Easiest Person To Talk To: Kristopher.
F - Favorite Food: Pasta.
G - Gangsta: Far from it.
H - Hate: Beans.
I - Instrument: Piano.
J - Job: On To The Next One.
K - Kids: Most the next few years.
L - Longest Car Ride: Shrewsbury to Galveston, Katrina evacuation.
M - Milk Flavor: Strawberry.
N - Number Of Siblings: Five.
O - One Wish: Seeing my dreams become reality.
P - Phobias: Spiders & snakes.
Q - Quote: Sometimes, its not the destination but the journey that makes it worthwhile.
R - Reason To Smile: I woke up this morning to his voice :)
S - Song You Last Heard: "Young Love" - Teena Marie
T - Time You Woke Up: 6: 50 am.
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I prefer to sit in a dark house.
V - Vegetable: Carrots.
W - Worst Habits: Sarcasm.
X - X-Rays You’ve Had: Right Foot, Left Knee, Breasts.
Y - Your Favorite Pastime: Music, Reading & talking to HIM.
Z - Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius (I'm such a Sag!!)

My Year in Review: Love

"I am ready for love" - India.Aire

Love was the absolute last thing on my mind and in my heart at the beginning of the year. It was not even an option for me. I was working on me. I was finally over the last heartbreak when this year began. I was focused and it wasn't love. I didn't think I would be able to love again. Or that a man would love me again. Yes, I was down on everything related to love.

But, as the old saying goes, love finds you when you least expect it. That is clearly what happened to me. I woke up one day in love. Just like that. Simple but true. Ok, not that simple. I met a man who was basically the ying to my yang. From the beginning, we were fast friends. We bonded over music and poetry, two of my favorite things. There was light flirting between us. But he was dealing with a situation as was I. He was my friend. Life happened and we stopped talking for a while. And then just as quickly, he was back in my life.

This time was different. It was as if this was meant to be. It began slowly with texts and all night conversations. I had my friend back. I was beyond ecstatic about that. The flirting was at 100 this time around. We were actively pursuing each other. We had the best conversations about everything. His intellect matches mine. His sense of humor and quick wit were in line with my own. I was shocked at how much we had in common. He complements me and vice versa. He makes me think and laugh and blush. My voice becomes so light and sweet when I'm speaking to him. He just does something to me.

I started to fall for him. I was cautious though. I didn't wanna fall without knowing if he'd be there to catch me. He was under my skin and deep inside my heart. There aren't enough words for me to describe how I feel about him.This man's voice makes my heart smile. His laughter makes me happy. When my cell rings & it plays India.Aire's "The Truth" or Algebra Blesett's "At This Time," I light up because I know that its him calling. I've never been loved like this. This is something totally new. I think this is what poets mean when they write about true love. I just love KJB so much. This is the way love has presented itself to me in 2010. If 2011 is anything like this year, I know that I will be loved like never before. I'm ready for that.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Remembering My Favorite Singer, Teena Marie

I was so saddened to hear that my favorite singer, Teena Marie, passed yesterday. This woman's voice is pure silk. I have been a fan since I was a little girl. My Dad introduced me to her. These are just a few of my favorite songs by her. R.I.P. LAdy T, you will be missed.

My Year In Review: Spirituality

I used to be big on church. That has not been the case lately. I've become disillusioned with organized religion. I deceided to take things into my own hands for a while. This year I've been exploring my spirituality on my own. It has been a rather interesting journey thus far.

I've taken on the task of reading the Bible. I invested in a study Bible that has been a great help. I've been able to garner a deeper understanding of the words and stories in the Bible. I would like to think that reading these words have given me some patience and peace. It's amazing how much I've retained from childhood sermons. I love when I get to a story I know in the Bible. It really touches me.

So far, Matthew and Romans are by far my two favorite books. I've been enthralled by the story aspects of these books. I will not say that I read the Bible everyday. But, I am reading it alot more than I ever have before. Some chapters are more interesting than others. This makes for fast reading for me.

I am completely committed to reading all of it. I'm no where near completing the Bible. And, for the first time when it comes to reading, I'm not on a rush to finish it either. I'm enjoying this process and can't wait to continue it into the new year.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

My Year in Review: Myself

This has been a very interesting year. I can say that I'm better at the end of it than I was at the beginning of it. It was a learning year for me. 30 was a wonderful age for me.

I've become comfortable enough to voice my true feelings about certain things. Things I never have admitted to anyone before. I used to be very guarded before this year. I made myself believe that I was guarding my heart from any impending pain or hurt. In actuality, I was stopping myself from feeling anything. That part of the story is over.

I did not cut my hair once this year. That's a big deal for me. I am usually changing my hair style and color constantly. I let that go this year. My hair has grown to about shoulder-length and its still jet black. I can't say that this will be the case in 2011. It probably will be cut soon. But, the jet black will be here to stay. I love it a lot.

I've learned to let go and worry less in the latter half of 2010. Taking on the worries of others is something I've done all my life. I decided that it will not be a part of my future. I read so many great books this year. And, from them I learned so much. I think that is when I'm at my best, when I'm learning. I love to learn.

I let go of some toxic and dead friendships. Friends grow and that's what happened. I re-established some major friendships as well. I will not dwell on those who've lost me. I'm focused on strengthening the friendships that I hold dear to my heart. That's what's important to me. It's what I've learned this year. Life is for the living. And, I plan on living every moment to the fullest from here on out. This is my introspective year in review.

Interesting Information

* The “you are here” arrow on maps is called an "ideo locator."

* Four is the only number that has the same amount of letters as its actual value.

* When you french kiss someone, you both use all the muscles in your face!

* In New York it was once against the law to flirt. The penalty was $25 fine.

* Your brain is more active when you're sleeping.

* Singing keeps you healthy, exercises your heart and lungs, & releases endorphins that make you feel good!

* Monday is named after & pays tribute to the MOON. (Origin Moons-day).

* In 1907, Oklahoma became the last US state to declare Christmas a legal holiday.

* "Dysania" is the state of finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning.

* Every time you speak, you use 75 muscles within your body.

* A person takes over 23,000 breaths everyday.

* The twists ties on your bread have a meaning! The color of the tie indicates the day it was delivered.

~ via

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Moment of Music: My Fave Christmas Songs

A little holiday cheer! Enjoy!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from me to you!

Friday, December 24, 2010

My Year in Review: Favorite Songs of the 2010

Here are a few favorite songs from this year.

Get Into It: Nikon CoolPix P7000

I am in love with this camera. I love to take pictures but am by no means a photographer. A great camera can change all of that. I will be watching this one for a while. It's just so nice. It retails for about $500 but seems to be well worth the cash. These are the specs of the camera as well. Get into it, people!

10.1 megapixels
7.1X Zoom
3" Display
HD movie 720p

Thursday, December 23, 2010

In Hindsight

There are always things and situations which I sit and ponder the what ifs. I don't do it often. Because I try to live my life with no real regrets. But, in hindsight, aren't things so much clear than they were when you were going through it? I sometimes let my feelings for someone or something cloud my thinking. It's a small character flaw.

I had a conversation with someone that led me to this topic. It's funny how two people in the same situation can remember things totally different. The years may have distorted both of our memories. Both parties involved were hurt in the end. Neither of us willing to stand up for our own wrong doings. That was years ago. It was finally time to just let go of it all. The resentment, the hurt, the pain, the guilt and the disdain. I apologized for the hurt I caused. And I finally got an apology as well. I didn't realize I still needed it. It was time to close that chapter of my life. It's all in my past now. In hindsight, maybe it wasn't all bad. There were some good things that came from this situation.

I try to be as objective as I can be when it comes to my life. But I can't help but sit and wonder sometimes. I'm not perfect nor do I claim to be. I'm not without fault. I try to be the best me I can be. Try not to do wrong to anyone because I'm a give believer in karma. But I haven't always been so enlightened. I've done wrong. I've prayed about my past as I forge my way into my future. All I can do is continue to be a better me. And hopefully, in hindsight, I'll see myself clearly.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Quite Randomly...

* I'm not big on long hair. It just doesn't phase me much. That being said, I am ready to cut my shoulder length hair. I don't know how short. I just know I'm over it.

* There is still something about old school shows that make me happy. The Cosby Show, A Different World, Martin, Living Single, NY Undercover, and The Fresh Prince will never get old. I watch the reruns whenever I catch them.

* I finally copped my white HTC Evo 4g and I couldn't be happier. I love it!! Love, love, love it.

* I'm not in the holiday spirit at all. This has become a trend in the last few years of my life. I don't know if I will ever get that feeling back.

* My favorite makeup essential, Burt's Bee's Strawberry Lip Gloss, is becoming harder and harder to find. This makes me sad. It's been my stable beauty product & secret for almost 10 years. Now, I'm on the hunt for a new gloss.

* I'm 31 now. I still feel like I'm 25. Turning 31 was easier than turning 30. Approaching 30, I was apprehensive and freaked out. 31 was met with enthusiasm and hope. I guess I finally realized that what God has for me is for me. No one can take what belongs to me away from me. It's my destiny, no one else's.

* I've been really anti-social this year. I think I just needed me back. It gets to be a bit much when you're always giving yourself to everyone around with no reciprocity in sight. I rectified that to some degree this year.

* Music has def been the soundtrack of my life lately. Well, even more so than usual. Great music makes my soul happy.

* Some days, I don't wanna be bothered. Some days I just miss my father. I just need ten minutes alone...

* I've read some pretty awesome books lately. They've all put a lot of things on my mind. I love to think so this is a great thing.

* LAst night I cried tears of blissful joy. I received some words designed specifically for me. They touched my heart so deeply. This man makes me smile with my heart.

* I'm excited about a plethora of things. I don't think I've smiled this much in a very long time. It feels really good :)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Traces of My Lipstick

I've been thinking alot about kisses. I'm not sure why but this has been the theme of my not so random thoughts for a few days now. Especially first kisses. The anticipation, the initial feeling of his lips pressed against mine, the butterflies in my tummy, that undeniable spark. Kissing is just about the best thing. There is nothing better than leaving the traces of one's lipstick on the cheek and mouth of the one you love. Kisses are a woman's signature.

"When you kiss me, without uttering a word,
you speak to my soul." ~ Unknown

"For twas not into my ear you whispered
But into my heart
Twas not my lips you kissed
But my soul." ~ Judy Garland

"Kiss: The anatomical juxtaposition
of two orbicularis oris muscles in
a state of contraction." ~ Henry Gibbons

Letter to My Future Self (5 years from today)

The task - Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?

Dear Me,

In 2011, you will have a year like no other. You opened your heart & will receive the love & life you deserve. Be prepared to reach your idea of total contentment. By December 2015, your life will be complete. By then, your dream of writing that book will have been realized. You will be married to your best friend, your partner, the love of your life. The two of you will be the parents of a son, two girls and you will be pregnant again. Happiness is found for you in the family and life you've created. Life, in general, will be good for you. This all comes to fruition because you let down your walls and let go of fear to embrace your destiny. Enjoy the ride because its about to get to the good part. Love, live, and laugh more than you ever have. These are the times that memories are made. I love the woman you are and the woman you will be on five years.

Love always,
Kenda Calandra!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

This Reader's Review: Part I "Decoded," "Chasing Harry Winston," "Platinum," & "Getting to Happy"

There is just something about books that makes me happy. It could be the fact that I love words. Or that a great journey in a book can take me far. Or it could just be my love for libraries as well. A good day will always involve a great book for me. It's my happy place. I read really fast. As if I'm in a rush to live through it. I get a rush from reading, same feeling I get when I write. There is nothing that comes close to that feeling. I just love books. They are just about my favorite thing since I am big on words. I've read some really great books this year. thought I would share them with you. Enjoy!

* "Decoded" - Jay-Z & dream hampton

An amazingly in depth look at Jay-Z's lyrics and aspects of his life. I love the way dream was able to pull such intimate stories from Jay. The book is a great read. It made me a bigger fan of Jay as an artist and as a man. dream worded the book wonderfully. This is a must read for any true Hip-Hop fan such as myself.

* "Chasing Harry Winston" - Lauren Weisberger

This was a whimsical tale of a group of women trying to get to their happily ever afters. It is witty and comical and honest. I love the author's point of view of the characters and their individual stories. I am a fan of Lauren's work. Her books always make me happy though from beginning to end.

* "Platinum" - Aliya S. King

Probably the best peek behind the Hip-Hop elite's curtains. Aliya spins a great tale of these great Hip-Hop artists and the women who love and put up with them. The author has a way of writing that makes you root for even the most awful of characters. I saw a lot of characteristics of real life big time artists within the pages of this novel. The viewpoint of this novel is that of the wives, girlfriends, fiancees, and side chicks. She is currently working on the follow up to this novel. It is entitled "Diamond Life" and its written from the viewpoint of the men in the first book. I cannot wait to catch up with these characters that I love.

* "Getting to Happy" - Terry McMillan

This is the follow up to "Waiting to Exhale." We get to see what has become of our favorite women. There is a lot of bitterness and sadness in this book. It was a great read but I felt conflicted. In a book entitled "Getting to Happy," one would think that there would be a whole lot of happiness in it. That is not the race for the most part. It was nice to find out what happen after WTE and there is supposedly a movie in the works. I will go see it.

This is just a short review of the things that I have read recently. Peep them out. Let me know what you think as well.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Christmas Spirit?!

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. The light, the decorations, the music, the vacation from school, the sometimes cold N.O. weather. There was no better holiday in my mind. I felt this way for a really long time. As a kid, it was all about the gifts. As an adult, it was about family & fun. And, maybe a little about the gifts still. Somewhere along the way, my feelings changed.

Since 2006, Christmas has been losing its sparkle to me. I know that's the year it felt different to me. I wasn't with most of my family & I didn't do much. It just wasn't a good year. Ever since that year, I've been less & less enthused with the holiday. Christmas just isn't the same for me anymore.

My only enjoyment during this time of year is because of my two nieces & four nephews. They are all under seven so the sparkle is still bright to them. I love that. They always make me smile. I look forward to their faces more than anything on Christmas. I know that its not about gifts and gadgets. Christmas is & always will be about family to me. That's what & who I chose to focus on.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

What's Happy To You?

We are all trying to get to happy. That is the struggle everyday. Happiness is defined differently for everyone. Webster's defines happy as "delighted, pleased, or glad; as over a particular thing; characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment or joy." All of this got me to pondering about personal happiness."What's happy for me may not even rate on the scale of happy for the next (wo)man. Someone asked me if I was happy recently. At that very moment, all I could hear in my head was the last few spoken lines of T.I.'s hit song "Why You Wanna." T.I. poses the question to his ex "Is ya happy?" That little three word sentence packs a big punch.

Sometimes we forget to just be happy. It's easy to do so with all of the day to day things that pull us in a thousand different directions. I know I tend to get so caught up in my head and worrying about everyone else that I forget about me. that is the number one issue I am weeding out of my life. I've decided that my happiness comes first as it should. I don't wanna miss any other moment of my life because I'm worried about someone else. This hasn't been an easy notion for me to totally embrace. But, I will not continue to sacrifice my piece of happy to engage in the drama of others any longer. That just won't do going forth.

That question made me start thinking about my idea of happiness. For me, it could be something very simple or something extremely extravagant. I've never left my happiness up to anyone else. I feel like my true happiness only resides in my heart. I responded to the original question with a resounding "Yes, I'm very happy." I truly meant it because I truly feel it. I am at a place in life that I'm happy with me. My personal happiness comes from me no one else. I'm learning to take the time to smell the roses and enjoy my happiness. It's quite an awesome feeling too. I wonder if you have gotten to your personal happiness yet?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Quintessential December Baby

Today is Tuesday, December 14, 2010. 31 years ago on this day @ 2:39am, I was born.

On this day, I am just thankful for life, grateful for waking up to see another day. I have been overwhelmed with the amount of birthday wishes via texts, calls, and FB postings. I am forever grateful for the love. There is no other way to express that. I am humbled. I don't feel all that well today but I will smile in spite of that. Why shouldn't I?


Sunday, December 12, 2010

Moment of Music

What My Heart Wants

I'm spoiled. I know this & accept it. I want what I want when I want it. Simple as that. There were a few things that I have never voiced that I really wanted until now. I was never comfortable voicing this intense want. Thought it would make me look and seem a certain way. Recently I've shed that feeling.

I grew up completely shunning the idea of marriage and children. I was the older sister and played mom to everyone. So I was not sold on the whole husband, 2.5 kids, dog and white picket fence. That dream was a fallacy that did not exist in my world. I just didn't see none of that for me. I was told on numerous occasions by multiple family members that "I would change my mind when I grew up." The ages of 18 and 21 came and went without any change. I just wasn't that concerned with that life.

Then, a beautiful little girl was born in 2001. She is my God-daughter. I felt this pull in my heart when I first saw her, first held her on my arms. I harbored that feeling deep within myself. I wasn't in the right place or right relationship to become a Mom. So, I buried it. I gave all of that love to my God-kids. Their love, in return, filled me up. I decided I didn't need to be Mommie because Nanna was just as great. That thought sufficed for years.

But, one can only deny their true feelings for so long. This realization came to me the year I turned 30. This intense need to have kids creeped back to the forefront of my heart. The ironic part of this is that I wasn't in a relationship at all this time. I always thought the whole biological clock ticking thing was a myth. I was dead wrong. I try my best not to mention every baby related thought that crosses my mind. I simply cannot wait to have my own brown babies. I'm completely enthralled with that idea. And, furthermore, I want the great marriage too. I guess in that way, I'm more traditional than I believed. I just know that my heart yearns for this life. I know that it's my destiny.

Friday, December 10, 2010

My Ten Things

10 Things I wish I could say to 10 people right now.

10. So I played you. Now you know how it feels. Deal or don't. I don't care anymore.
9. Lmao...seriously??
8. You aren't the brightest crayon in the box.
7. I don't like to be used. That's why "no" is the only word you'll hear from now on..
6. Stop bragging. It's annoying & mad childish. News flash, no one cares, hon.
5. I miss you, my friend. But this is the way it has to be.
4. When are you going get it?
3. I attempted to give a f- ck & failed miserably.
2. Yes, I know I'm smarter than you. So stop talking to me b/c I think I'm gonna catch stupidity from you.
1. I think....Te amo.

9 Things about me.

9. I'm a reluctant romantic.
8. I'm all about spa pedicures.
7. Reading a great book & a glass of wine will always be my definition of a good night alone.
6. I wanna get pierced & soon.
5. I would love to live abroad.
4. I love shrimp even though I'm allergic.
3. Music is e-very-thing.
2. I listen as well as hear what's said & unsaid.
1. I people watch.

8 Ways to win my friendship.

8. Be yourself.
7. Realize that I'm always in my head.
6. Get & accept my off the wall sense of humor & special brand of sarcasm.
5. Realize that sometimes I need to be the one who needs encouragement & to be held.
4. Have my back @ all times.
3. Laugh a lot.
2. Talk as well as listen.
1. Love me for me.

7 Things that cross my mind.

7. What's next?
6. I'm so over this & here.
5. I need to write more.
4. Is my Daddy proud of me?
3. I really need to get my Masters.
2. Am I really ready for what's being offered?
1. Really?

6 Things I do before bed.

6. Take a bath.
5. Brush my teeth.
4. Check alarm.
3. Set the air/heat to auto.
2. Watch HH on HGTV.
1. Talk to HIM.

5 People who mean a lot.

5. BFF's.
4. HIM.
3. Siblings.
2. Mom.
1. God.

4 Things I'm wearing right now.

4. Wife Beater & some socks :)
3. Strawberry Lip Gloss.
2. Silk Head Scarf.
1. Headphones.

3 Songs I listen to often.

3. Algebra " At This Time"
2. India.Aire "Beautiful Surprise" & "The Truth"
1. Jay-Z "Never Change"

2 Things I want to do before I die.

2. Write that book.
1. Explore every possible avenue with HIM.

1 Confession.

1. I've never been this excited about something...ever!

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

What's In A Name?

Baby. Sweetheart. Honey. Boo. Pumpkin. Sweetie. Love. All terms of endearment. When said by the right person, they can make one's heart swell and plaster the biggest grin on one's face as well. So exactly what's in a name?? It's something special between two people in a relationship. Its private and can be their secret.

I was never fond of cutesy nicknames. However, I had an epiphany the other day. I wasn't particularly fond of them because they never felt real to me until now. I guess its true what they say. It takes the right person to say that one word to you and you just feel it. It's akin to hearing the words for the first time. Mushy? Yes. Truthful? Undeniably. But, again it's something so special between two people who feel deeply for each other. That is a great thing to me.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Get Into It: Amazon Kindle

The literature lover inside of me wants, desires, needs this now. I want a Kindle. It's Amazon's e-reader. It is the perfect accessory for a woman like me. A woman who reads just about as much as she listens to music. I can carry my library with me every where I go. How great is that?!? The price of the Kindle has dropped considerably since the release of the iPad. Which, for me, works out well. They are priced at $139 and $189. Much more affordable than they once were. If you are a reader like me, it's a great investment. One I know I will reap the rewards for a long time to come. So, take a look at it and get into the Kindle, people!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Music Matters

Music matters. It's just that simple. Music is essential to my life. I love it. I breath it. I need it. It can almost fix any situation to me. Old music is the best. The kind that transports me back to the first itme I heard it. I can remember where I was, who I was with and exactly what I felt when I heard it. Music moves me. It makes me happy.

New music is good as well. I love to hear it and feel it. There is nothing better than hearing a new song. Here's just a few artist, old and new, who have moved me.

  • Jay-Z (will never ever get old to me)
  • Beyonce
  • Kanye
  • Drake
  • J. Cole
  • Big Sean
  • Ne-yo
  • Monica
  • Corinne Bailey Rae
  • Chrisette Michele
  • Marsha Ambrosius
  • Nicki Minaj
  • The Foreign Exchange
  • Algebra Bassett
  • Erin Christine
  • Mylah
  • Jazmine Sullivan
  • Teedra Moses
  • Brian McKnight

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Moment of Music

Excuse me, I'm having a musical moment. I will be in my feelings for a few minutes. Enjoy!

Destiny's Child's "FTSWID" is about as girly as a song can get when it comes to fully expressing the way females feel when they are laying their heart on the table. I will always feel connected to this track.

Teedra Moses, a fave of mine, has a new song entitled "R U 4 Real?" The lyrics kinda stayed with me since I heard the song last week. I love it cause I get it. We've all been here. Love, feelings, emotions, lust, and like takes us there. In the end, we all just want to know if the person standing in front of us is for real. If he/she is the one. It's hard to sift through all the fake ones to find the man/woman who has your best interest @ heart.

Floetry's "Feelings" is so real. I remember the first time I heard this. I was in Baltimore for my 26th birthday. It felt like something that I could've written. The poetry of it still is so personal.

Jill Scott's "The Way" is a classic track. Is it the way? Lawd, this song!

India Arie's "Beautiful Surprise" is it! I cannot express how much I love this song. The lyrics are wonderful. And, who doesn't love a beautiful surprise in the form of a nice guy ;)

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Thanksgiving can mean a lot of different things to people. To me, it's always about family and being thankful for what I have. So, I make sure to remain mindful that no matter what is going on with me, there is someone who has it worse. This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my family and friends and the love of them all. That's what's real and what matters the most to me. Be thankful people! Enjoy your families and Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Get Into It: Jay Z & dream hampton's "Decoded"

I am an uber Shawn Corey Carter aka Jay-Z fan. That is the only way to describe me. I have been a fan since the first day I heard "Feeling It." I was drawn in by the beat and completely moved by his voice and words. I was sold from that point on. I have every cd he has ever dropped. And, no I don't bootleg Mr. Carter. Nope, not ever lol. 

So, when I heard that he was finally releasing a book, I was ready. I was a happy as a kid with a new toy when I purchased this book. dream hampton is essentially his ghostwriter for "Decoded." This was another plus in my book. I am a fan of her writing. "Decoded" is a look into one of the best lyrical minds ever. Jay breaks down some of his best songs as well as a few relatively unknown tracks (to some). There are a few personal stories included in the book as well. I have about 50 pages left to read in the book.

I can honestly say that I like Jay even more after getting into his book. And, yes, I am way biased when it comes to him. I mean he is my favorite rapper, number one in my book. My #2 rapper is a far and distant second. I believe any one who is a fan of Hip-Hop in general could get alot of insight into the business from this book. So, get into "Decoded."

Monday, November 22, 2010

Reason, Season, Lifetime...

It's amazing to me the way things change. I know that the only constant thing is change. It's evolutionary. It is what keeps us going & growing. Some times I forget that. It's been said that people come into your life for one of three reasons: reason, season or lifetime. I've definitely gotten people wrong a few times. The adolescent mistake of trying to make a season person into a lifetime mate. But, what's for you is for you & nothing can change that.

A few years ago, there were people, places, & things, I loved & cherished so deeply. And, today, they basically mean nothing to me. I'm guessing that they all fell into the "reason & season" category of my life. Losing those people hurt me deeply. The memories of those past friends are kinda distorted in my mind. I can hardly remember their voices or laughter. What I distinctively remember are their words. Their words have lasted throughout the years. This, I'm sure, is why they were sent to my life.

I really hope that my words have stuck with them as well. That's a part of the legacy that I'm creating. I don't regret any person that I've encountered good or bad. All of that helped make me into the woman I am. Being a reason or season person serves a great purpose. It may just give purpose to someone. Being a lifetime person is the ultimate gift to both parties. A lifetime of memories, laughter and love sounds like a great journey to take with the right people.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Day 9: Two Movies You Absolutely Love

02) "Clueless"

01) "Beaches"

Monday, November 15, 2010

Day 8: Three Favorite Cartoon Characters

03) Jem
02) Rainbow Brite
01) Strawberry Shortcake

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Day 7: Four Songs That Describe Your Life Right Now

04) Kanye West & Jay-Z "The Joy"
03) Nicki Minaj "Right Thru Me" (the lyrics are dead on!!)
02) Charlie Wilson "You Are"
01) Brian McKnight "What I've Been Looking For"

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Day 6: Five Things You Can Eat Everyday

05) Chipotle wings.
04) Crab and corn bisque.
03) Pasta.
02) Strawberries.
01) Shrimps...even though I'm allergic lol.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Day 5: Six of Your Favorite Books

06) "The Coldest Winter Ever" - Sister Souljah
05) "Flyy Girl" - Omar Tyree
04) "The Red Tent" - Anita Diamant
03) "The Autobiography of Malcolm X"
02) "The Enormous Egg" - Oliver Butterworth
01) "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" - Dr. Seuss

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Day 4: Seven People Who Inspire You?

07) Shawn Carter
06) Nikki Giovanni
05) Barack Obama
04) Myself :)
03) My nieces & nephews
02) My Aunt Gina
01) My Mom

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Day 3: Eight Places You Want To Visit

08) New York City
07) Belize
06) Las Vegas, NV
05) Turks & Caicos
04) Venice, Italy
03) Fiji
02) Mykonos Island, Greece
01) A city I used to live in so I can see it through different eyes.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Day 2: Nine People/Places/Things You Can’t Live Without

09) My great sense of humor :)
08) Right now, the guy who's always on the other end of the line & text messages :))
07) Spa pedicures.
06) My personality & individual beliefs & morals.
05) My love of the arts (music, poetry, literature, paintings).
04) My ability to express myself through words.
03) My friends.
02) My family.
01) Most importantly, my relationship & faith in God.

Monday, November 08, 2010

Day 1: Ten Things You Wanted/Want To Be When You’re Older

Just came across this 10 day challenge. I think I will do it. Get ready!!

Day 1: Ten Things You Wanted/Want To Be When You’re Older
Day 2: Nine People/Places/Things You Can’t Live Without
Day 3: Eight Places You Want To Visit
Day 4: Seven People Who Inspire You?
Day 5: Six of Your Favorite Books
Day 6: Five Things You Can Eat Everyday
Day 7: Four Songs That Describe Your Life Right Now
Day 8: Three favorite Cartoon Characters
Day 9: Two Movies You Absolutely Love
Day 10: One Quote That Describes Your Life Right Now

As a child, I wanted to be:

10) a singer (in a group with my two cousins)
09) an iceskater (though I've never ice skated)
08) a writer (this one is still in me)
07) a lawyer (lasted as well)
06) to work as an executive in the entertainment industry

As I grow older and hopefully wiser, I would like to be:

05) a person who knows how to live outside of her box
04) a linguist ( I want to learn French and Italian)
03) a published author/poet (still working on this)
02) a woman who is well traveled
01) a happy woman (simple as that)

Black Girls Rock

"Black girls rock because we have no other choice." - Iyanla Vanzant

Last night, BET got something so right. They showcase Beverly Bond's "Black Girls Rock." This was big on so many levels. I've been familiar with this movement for about 3 years now. It's a great organization dedicated to teaching Black girls self confidence and self worth. It's an awesome organization.

The show was amazing to me. Nia Long held the hosting duties. She was perfect. It honored Raven-Symone, Missy Elliot, Keke Palmer, Iyanla Vanzant and Ruby Dee. They were performances by Jill Scott, Monica, Keyshia Cole, VV Brown, Shontelle, and Fantasia. The best perfomance of the night was a great cover of Nina Simones "Four Women." It was performed by Jill Scott, Kelly Price, Marsha Ambrosious, and Ledisi.

This show was perfect from beginning to end. I love anything that showcases my people and empowers us. Black Girls Rock does that and so much more. I cannot find any fault with Debra Lee, Viacom or the show last night. It's not often I have that thought when it comes to any BET production.

“BLACK GIRLS ROCK because their possibilities are more powerful than their pain!!” ~ Michaela Angela Davis

“I rock because there’s joy in every breath even when it hurts.” ~ Anika Noni Rose

Nina Simone's "Four Women" performed by Kelly Price, Marsha Ambrosius, Jill Scott, & Ledisi @ Black Girls Rock 2010!

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Frozen Fear

Fear. A word I despise. An emotion that I feel makes me weak & takes away from the woman I am. There isn't much I fear. But, the ones I do have are pretty big. So much so that I feel like one in particular is preventing me from moving forward. That fear is failure. Failure in love to be specific. I think that would be the most tragic thing of all.

I'm afraid of failing at the one thing I know I need. I feel as if I will mess up love the next time it comes my way. The reason why I feel this way is because I feel like I messed it up the last time. I've only been in love once. And, it ended badly on all accounts. I was good & I was bad in that situation. I can't blame everything on him. Thus, being why I'm scared to open myself up to a new situation. I don't wanna hurt someone else. Because you know "hurt people hurt people." I'm to the point that I actually tense up @ the mere thought of it. This isn't good or healthy. Nor is it the life I want for me.

This fear is preventing me from getting to my future, from getting to my happy. I don't want to be the woman with regrets. That's not a life. In ten years, I don't want to look back & wonder what if. I want to be married with kids and enjoying my life. And, not embracing my fear. I know that I'm the only person who can get me from under the weight of my fear. I'm working on it. It's not going away as fast as I would like though. That frustrates me on some level. But, I refuse to give up. Al I can do is pray & push forward. I just hope that the person I'm sure my future lies with is still standing there with his arms open for me when I finally breakthrough. *fingers crossed & paryers sent up*

"The only thing we need to fear is fear itself, nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." - President Franklin D. Roosevelt

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

For Colored Girls

I discovered and fell in love with Ntozake Shange's "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf" in high school. The poetry spoke to my soul. The hurt, pain, misery, love, life and resiliency jumped off the pages to me. I've seen it performed on stage a few times as well. Each time, it brings me back to the first moment I read it. I stay in love with it. The words and emotions are so raw and untouched and just real. When I heard that it was being optioned for a film,I was excited. When it was revealed that Tyler Perry would be directing it, I wasn't as thrilled. I like Tyler Perry but was skeptical about his take on something so precious and revered by Black women.

As a woman who is completely invested in Ntozake Shange's "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf," I have conflicting opinions about Tyler's film. He got some points completely correct. In other areas, he dropped the cinematic ball. It was good and it was not so good. After seeing the film, I think I can say I enjoyed it. I did not love it as much as I did the choreopoem when I first read it though.

I loved Kimberly Elise & Michael Ealy's story. It was lifted straight from the choreopoem. They were both exactly their characters. The storyline of Tessa Thompson & Macy Gray didn't really make sense in 2010. Both were good in their roles but the storyline is from 1975 and would be totally different in 2010. I think Tyler could have reworked that some. Phylicia Rashad's talents were wasted in this film to me. Her greatest scene was with Thandie Newton and she completely blew it out of the water. Whoopi's character was insane but she had to be. Whoopi played crazy very well. Janet was stoic and stiff just the way she was supposed to be. I'm not that big of a fan of Janet, the actress. She has this way of smiling when she is crying that disturbs me. Her final scene with her husband, Omari Hardwick was completely unrealistic to me. Her calmness and lack of emotion in her face was counterproductive to the words coming out of her mouth. That scene should have been bigger. Janet's character never broke when a normal person would have.

Anika Noni Rose and Khalil Kain's story was awesome. It felt like the original work. Anika's color was yellow and she was as bright and sunny as the color she portrayed. Khali's character was charming and witty and then completely despicable. The standout character to me was Thandie Newton. She was excellent in her role. From her walk, talk and style of dress, she nailed it. She was the character you wanted to hate but couldn't. Loretta Devine was great in her role as well. She was the character that pulled off the poetry pieces the best. Ntozake's words just came out of her mouth like air. Perfection on that point. Kerry Washington and Hill Harper were great as well in their storyline. The scene where Kerry helps Kimberly scrub the sidewalk was powerful.

I hated that I could tell where Ntozake's original words ended and Tyler's began. There was some disconnect between the authors. It was obvious to me because I am so familiar with the original work. So, it wasn't a great film but there were moments of sheer genius. Tyler, in my opinion, did not do the choreopoem justice. People who aren't familiar with the choreopoem will no doubt love this movie. I can't knock that experience for them. Maybe I am too biased, too vested into the poem. I will probably have to watch it again to see if my feelings will change. I still think people should see and support this film. the good outweighs the bad.

"& this is for colored girls who have considered suicide/but are movin to the ends of their own rainbows" - Ntozake Shange

Thursday, October 28, 2010

What's Wrong?

That's the question I've been asking myself for the last 2 weeks. What's wrong? I really don't know. Maybe it's a little bit of everything. Stress. Fear. Lack of many things. Overindulgence in everything. It's as if my problem is everything and nothing at the same time. I'm very tense these days. No easy and quick way to solve them either.

I'm not a woman who cries. It's just not what I do. I hate it to be honest. So, imagine my surprise, when crying has been my only viable outlet for the last two weeks. I mean what is this about?!? I cried a total of 5 times in 2 days last week. That's beyond abnormal for me. It was weird. I literally sat in the tub & cried for 20 minutes. It was a deep, body shaking, shortness of breath, quiet cry. I couldn't stop myself. And when I was done, I felt a little better. But, I think my biggest issue is the fact that I'm the person people tell their problems to. I'm not the woman who shares her issues with others. I internalize everything. I deal with me because it's the way I've been all my life. It's hard to let people inside of my head & heart. I know that's fear. I also know I'm protecting myself from pain.

I think that I needed to cry. I needed to release all of that from inside of me. By holding so much inside of me, I was hurting me. I'm trying to find a way to stop carrying the world on my shoulders. It's not an easy feat. But, I'm confident that I can do it. I don't wanna have any more tear filled baths. It takes too much out of me. Crying is a normal bodily function. Not crying is not. I know this. I'm still a work in progress. Constantly working on becoming the best me I can be....tears and all lol.