Thursday, March 31, 2011

In Between Thoughts & Thanks

I changed the name of my blog a week or so ago. I think this title "In Between Thoughts" was more creative. It's also a better fit. This blog is about me and my life and everything else that crosses my mind. I'm usually in between a million thoughts when I sit and attempt to blog. The title is catchy an descriptive of me and what mind state I'm usually in. Sometimes I have a topic in mind when I blog. Other times, it's whatever pops in between my thoughts.

My focus is still the same. I'm just here, laying my heart and soul on the proverbial page. It's sort of therapeutic for me to get out my thoughts and feelings. If I can help another on my journey, how wonderful would that be? I'm just a woman writing my way through it all. Thank you guys for sharing my world. Thank you for reading, thank you for commenting. It means the world to me.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Hello, I'm a Logophile!!

As far back as I can remember, I've been enamored with words. I talked early and read early. Words were and still are my thing. I also believe that it was predestined that I would find my voice through the written word. I didn't know as a kid you important and special my love of words would end up being.

I am a logophile. The word is defined as a person who loves words. That is definitely me. I also find it ironic that the most perfect to define myself love of words is of Greek origin. I am slightly obsessed with the country of Greece and Greek mythology. But, I digress. As a child, I used to read the dictionary. I wanted, needed, desired to know what words meant. I still love learning new words. The act of working them into my daily vernacular excites me. In that way, I think I'm very weird. I'm very comfortable in my weirdness though.

This insatiable love of words feed right into my reading habit. I read everything and anything. I had an incredible library in my own home as a kid. Soon, I began writing short stories and poems. This was my secret. I kept a notebook with my writings and my running tab of new words I loved. This was a habit I kept well into college.

My love of words also has influenced my extreme love of music. Yes, I love a great beat but I enjoy great lyrics the most. It's what draws me to a song. I like lyrics that I can relate to. That's what defines a great song for me. It's always about the words with me. I believe I am good at expressing myself verbally. But I will always be great at expressing myself through the written word. It's my niche. I excel in it. I thrive through words.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Ladies Love Lyrics: "Lose Myself"

I don't know why but for the last few days I've been more into lyrics than normal. The lyrics have been speaking to a deep space in my soul. I think some things I just needed to hear. The latest song that touched me was Marsha Ambrosius' "Lose Myself." I loved this song from my first listen. However, earlier today, the lyrics stood out to me. The idea of losing yourself to learn to love someone better is crazy but genius. Because sometimes you have to let go to hold on. The poet in me was pleased immensely by that. Just wanted to share what was on my musical mind with you guys.

(chorus) I had to lose myself so I could love you better
I had to lose myself, had to lose myself so I could
Love you better, lose myself in love
And that’s just the way it is?

Couldn’t tell me I was in love when I needed it
When all I ever wanted was love.
Should a told me I was worth receiving it
But all I ever wanted was love
There’s something awkward about the selflessness it
takes to give love and the good that it makes you!
True love can never really forsake you
But it took a little while just for me to see!


I had a paralyzing fear of facing failure
and I couldn’t love you perfectly with that fear in my head
So I perilously had to face the danger
So I could come back and love you whole instead
All of your soul I said!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

My 2nd Favorite Poem

"kidnap poem"
by Nikki Giovanni

ever been kidnapped
by a poet

if i were a poet
i'd kidnap you
put you in my phrases and meter
you to jones beach

or maybe coney island
or maybe just to my house
lyric you in lilacs
dash you in the rain

blend into the beach
to complement my see
play the lyre for you
ode you with my love song
anything to win you

wrap you in the red Black green
show you off to mama
yeah if i were a poet
i'd kidnap you

Saturday, March 26, 2011

My Favorite Poem

"Woman" Nikki Giovanni

she wanted to be a blade
of grass amid the fields
but he wouldn't agree
to be the dandelion

she wanted to be a robin singing
through the leaves
but he refused to be
her tree

she spun herself into a web
and looking for a place to rest
turned to him
but he stood straight
declining to be her corner

she tried to be a book
but he wouldn't read

she turned herself into a bulb
but he wouldn't let her grow

she decided to become
a woman
and though he still refused
to be a man
she decided it was all

Friday, March 25, 2011

In Need Of Therapy

Therapy saves lives. That is a known fact. Sometimes we all need it. Growing up, I always heard that "Black people don't go to therapy, we go to church." So this mantra was planted deep in my brain. I believed this to be true. I grew up in and around church as a kid. Therapy was a foreign concept to me in my world. I never thought there would be anything that would happen in my life that would require me to go to see a psychiatrist. I however would be wrong. How does one even know that they need therapy? I didn't know I needed it until it hit me in the face.

Fast forward to my sophomore year in undergrad. My world was rocked and shattered in an instant. My Dad was killed on September 23, 1998. I will never forget the phone call I received with that news. I literally blacked out. I felt cheated. I had just gotten my Dad back. We were re-establishing a relationship. We had a good summer. I had just saw him two weeks before he was murdered. I really don't have any words to truly describe how I actually felt back then. I swear I felt as if I was having an out of body experience from the day my Dad was killed until the day after his funeral. Nothing felt real. I didn't sleep or really eat. I had conversations with many family members that I cannot recall. The world was moving around me but I felt like I was standing still.

After returning to school after his funeral, my life was still an out of body experience. I could not sleep at night. I was having nightmares. I was angry, sleep deprived, and short with people. I wasn't happy. I started drinking more, just to do it. I didn't want to feel anything because everything hurt me at that point. I picked up a habit that I regret to this day. I started smoking. It was just something to do. I wasn't living. I was screaming for help and no one saw the signs. I could not verbalize my pain for anyone. I wrote alot. All dark and disturbing poetry. I actually threw all of that material away. In hindsight, it wasn't me. It wasn't the me I wanted the world to see. If I didn't get it together then, I would not be the woman I am today. I just didn't know what or who could help save me from myself.

During the Fall 1999 semester, I was on my way to the Yearbook office where I worked. I somehow went into the wrong hallway and found myself in the exact spot that I needed to be. I was standing in the Student Mental Health office. Therapy for students were free. It was literally divine intervention. I had been a part of the yearbook staff for a year. The office was in the same spot. I knew then what I needed to do to get through this. I needed to seek a psychiatrist. This Black woman needed some help. Admitting that to myself was a huge accomplishment. And it was also scary as hell too. I could not breath while standing in this office making my appointment. All week I contemplated not going. I didn't want to go because therapy was for crazy people. I was not crazy. Up until the moment I walked into Dr. Clark's office, I was not sure that I was going to keep the appointment.

I was very apprehensive about my first appointment. I also did not tell a soul that I was seeing her. I had a standing weekly appointment. This went on for about a year. Week by week, this doctor peeled back layers in me. She helped me deal with my Dad's murder, my anger about it, and all of my pain. During therapy, I was able to be open, vulnerable, weak and honest. I didn't have to be the strong one. I wasn't worried about her judging me or viewing me differently. She did not know me. She was able to get me in a way that my family and friends could not. I always felt relieved after I attended therapy. This was the best experience of my life. I loved the exercises that we worked on together. I kept a journal because of her suggestions. That was also therapeutic for me.

There was, however, still a stigma associated with this. I was ashamed to tell anyone that I was in therapy. I mean, I was the one everyone came to for help and advice. It was hard for me, even then, to admit that I needed help. It was actually years before I would even admit this to anyone I knew. It was like my little deep dark secret. And, that is still crazy to me. Something that helped me so much was a secret. This doctor saved me from drowning. I was really just adrift in life. I didn't know how to get back to me. Dr. Clark saved my life. I will forever be thankful for her. I have since changed my mind on therapy. I am an advocate for mental therapy. If you need it, go get it. It could save your life.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Ladies Love Lyrics: "I'm Not Afraid"

I just discovered this track by Ms. Jilly from Philly. The words are deep and amazing. I'm digging it. I just felt like sharing it. As a poet, I'm always about the words. They move me. So, upon reading the words, I had to YouTube the track. I was sold. I'm also kind of biased because I am a fan. She was the highlight of Essence Festival 2010 for me. Jill Scott gives a great show because she has great material, great voice and is just all around awesome personified.

The lyrics:
"I'm not afraid, to be your lady
I'm not afraid, to be your whore
I'm not afraid, to be your future
I'm not afraid, to be your soil
In which you plant your seed
Flowers, they sprout for me
My fragrance in the breeze
You must nurture me please

I'm not afraid, to be your baby
I'm not afraid, to be your strength
I'm not afraid, to be open wide
I'm not afraid, to be gluttonous."

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Used & Abused

There's a saying that everyone uses everyone. I think that saying and act sucks. I don't think I necessarily believe in that. I despise being used. I truly hate when I know I'm being used. It's a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm not sure how people who use other people can live with their actions. It's a bad way to live ones life in my opinion.

I do not like fairweather people. You know the type. They only come around or call when they need you. I personally believe that if you don't have the decency to seem how I'm doing once in s while then you don't care about me. I'm not the best at calling people all the time. But I'm definitely known for sending a text or an email. I try my best to keep in contact with those I love and care about. It burns me up when I feel like someone is using me. It's an insult to my intelligence and compassion.

I also find it ironic and sad when someone who is clearly attempting to use me cops an attitude when I say no. No is a powerful word."No, you will not use me." "No, you will not walk all over me." "No, you will not take my kindness for weakness." When I say no, I mean it. It took me a long time to get assertive and comfortable enough to say no. To not allow my people to use me. I may have ruffled some feathers along the way but I did what was best for me. It take a lot to get under my skin. This issue does it easily.

It's funny that recently this refers more to family than anyone else. Just because I'm free doesn't mean I have to do anything for anyone. It's the beauty of not being a parent yet. I'm not responsible for anyone nor do I have to answer to anyone. Some people may not like it. But for my sanity, I have to come from a place of no where they are concerned. I'm out of the being used business. I cannot continue to let people use me. It's not for me. So I'm done. Over it. Guess they will have to find someone else to use.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Just One Word

Where is your cell phone - Table
Your hair - Black
Your father - Gone
Your favorite thing - Music
Your dream last night - Random
Your favorite drink - Merlot
Your dream/goal - Contentment
The room you are in - Bedroom
Your fear - Failure
Where do you want to be in 6 years - There
Muffins - Blueberry
One of your wish list items - Overseas
Where you grew up - Berwick
The last thing you did - Text
What are you wearing - Clothes
Your TV - On
Your pets - Nada
Your life - Promising
Your mood - Sleepy
Missing someone - Always
Favorite store - Target
Your winter - Long
Your favorite color - Azul
When is the last time you laughed - Minutes
Last time you cried - Sunday

Monday, March 21, 2011

Outside (My) Movie Box: Part 2

I can honestly say that it took me a very long time to sit and watch this movie. I had my reasons for not watching it. None of them religious or anti-Mel Gibson. But, this weekend, after some pushing from HIM, I watched "The Passion of the Christ." Can I just say that I am amazed and a fan now. It was really great. I think Mel Gibson and his cast and crew did an excellent job at portraying the words of the Bible onto the screen. The film is as great as so many of my friends have said. I wasn't a skeptic of that. I just had my own reasons for avoiding viewing it. I can say that I was wrong for doing so for so long.

First off, the fact that the movie is entirely spoken in Aramaic and Latin did not diminish the experience for me. I am a reader as you all know, so subtitles are my friend. The authenticity of this film astounds me. I was just simply amazed by the way everything came together in this film. The darkness of some scenes played well with the lightness of others. It was just a very fluid film. I was not fully prepared for how brutal the beating scene would be. It was hard to watch and digest. It made me sad and angry and caused me to cry. It was just so inhumane.

Although I am not completely sold on the entire idea that Jesus was a white man, I do loved that Mel Gibson did go against the perceived norm. He did not cast a blond hair, blue eyed man to play the role. I love the fact that Jim Caviezel had dark hair and strange brownish, orange colored eyes. The portrayal of Lucifer was so epic. The fact that I really couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman, the extreme paleness/lack of any color, and the really black robes all played into the darkness that is Satan. The scenes in the woods were poignant to me as well. The darkness of it just meshed so well.

The scene that remains with me the most from this film is the very last 10 seconds of it. The resurrection scene is so poignant and great. I love the way it was filmed. To see Jesus resurrected with holes in his hand walking out of the temple is so strong and spiritual. This scene made me cry again. I also believe that the movie had a greater impact on me since I am currently reading the Bible. The stories that I have read were ultimately brought to life in this film. I love when a filmmaker gets it right. Mel Gibson, in my eyes, did just that. "The Passion of the Christ" moved me. I loved it more than I thought was possible. I am so glad that I finally sat still for a while and took it in.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Get Into It: the Boston Celtics

Boston Celtics. Team Green. 17 Championship wins. The best in the East right now. Their record is 49-19 as of today. I am a fan. Have been for years. Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Rajon Rondo, Shaq O'neal, Glen Davis are the heart of this team. I am still a little salty about the trading of Nate Robinson and Kendrick Perkins a few weeks ago. I do believe that my team will not only make it to the finals but they will also win it all this year. The 18th banner will be back in Boston where it belongs. I am a NBA and basketball fanatic. I love to watch the season but live for the Playoffs. Boston Celtics...Get Into It!!!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

My Sign

Sagittarius! The archer. The centuar. Half man, half animal. This is my sign. I am a Sag. I don't follow astrology deeply but I do identify with my sign. I am, at my very essence, a true Sagittarius. I don't think I could be any other sign. I also get along greatly with other Sags. I am blunt and knowledge seeking and loyal. Sags are commonly good humored, intelligent, philosophical and straight forward. All traits I possess and hold near and dear to me. Sags can also, however, be tactless, restless and impulsively angry. I admit I can be those things as well, of a situation warrants it. Sags are strong, proud people. I just felt like speaking on another part of me. These are some other the Sagittarian traits.

* A mutable sign.
* Generally very adaptable philosophically.
* Seeks to understand the world from a higher perspective.
* Tend to be optimistic and have a great capacity for faith.* They are not usually known for their reliability.
* A fire sign, which imparts a fiery enthusiasm that shows through their (blunt) sincerity, honest convictions, and drive for independence.
* Enjoy adventures and are partial to the great outdoors.
* Generally, they are considered to be compatible with the natives of the other fire signs, Aries and Leo the natives of the air signs, Gemini, Libra and Aquarius.
* Has a lively & inquiring mind and will always be asking questions about everything.
* The Sagittarius woman is versatile and exceedingly charming and enjoys every experience that comes her way.
* Loves compainonship and wants a friend who can share their love for knowledge and truth.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Randomly Random

* I'm gonna be an Auntie again!!!! I'm so excited!! Cannot wait to met the new addition in October.

*This up and down weather is wrecking havoc on my sinuses. Me no likey.

* I'm concerned about my mouth. Sometimes, I just need to shut up. It's a hard lesson to learn. But, I will get it.

* Just started reading the book of Hebrews. Very interesting to me.

* Sleep is alluding me for some reason these days. Im changing that asap though.

* I really need to hear some spoken word soon. I need to be motivated by words in the worst way. Blogging is way easier than poetry. But poetry eases my mind & soothes my soul.

* I swear I'm gonna start telling my brother no. I'm not helping him. I've got to shake this big sister syndrome.

* I've become addicted to yellow cake batter frozen yogurt topped with strawberries. It's quite awesome.

* I don't feel like going out anymore. Haven't for a while now. Some of my friends don't get that. I can't explain it fully to them. I'm just over the club scene.

* I want to cut my hair. I don't know how short though.

* I've never felt like this before. I cannot fully explain it. It's more than I ever imagined it could be. I'm so loved. Amazing.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Want Versus Need

I consider myself to be a very independent woman. I was raised to do things for myself. I'm good at that. But, I also know that I can bend and let down my guard for the right person. I love to be wanted and needed. It makes me feel alive and vibrant. Why wouldn't I want to be wanted and needed? Love is a verb, an action word. It's more than a feeling. It just is. And to be wanted by someone who loves you is virtually unexplainable.

I've never said I didn't need a man. Who doesn't want to feel needed? That's a part of love being needed. I am mature enough to realize that women need men and vice versa. God created Eve from Adam. To me that implies that men and women are meant for each other. I'm very traditional when it comes to certain things. This whole "I'm too independent so I don't need a man" movement is dumb. I don't get it. I can't condone it or readily stand behind it. Once I realized that I wanted to get married and have kids, I knew I needed a man. I also knew I wanted a good man. I did not look for him. I know enough to know that God would not create my soulmate and not allow me to meet him. I had faith in my faith. Whatever that God has for me, is for me.

I don't need a man for financial reasons or to just share my bed. I need my man to love me, to share my life with, to complement me, to have my back and be my friend. I need that. I want that. I deserve that. And, I want my man to want me in the same ways. That is the lifelong partner that I desired. I've received that love. He is all of that to me and more. I hope he knows how much he is wanted as well as needed. I cherish this love because its precious and its all ours. It does not show a sign of weakness to admit that you want and need someone. It shows that you are alive and living. We all want and need others. It's just that simple to me.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Outside of My (Movie) Box: Part 1

Movies, like books, take me on a journey. I love movies. Its a good way to spend a day. I really enjoy Black movies, romantic comedies, musicals, and documentaries the most. I don't really stray from those genres. Hey, I like what I like. I am a (reluctant) romantic and a self proclaimed music fanatic. Those genres feed that side of me. I wasn't necessarily open to different genres. I was ok with that or so I thought. My baby, however, had other ideas. He began suggesting movies outside the norm to me.

There is someone in my life who has opened my eyes to many new things. He's got me watching movies I have avoided for years. All because they didn't fit into my box of movies that I like. He suggested "300" last year. I reluctantly agreed to watch it. I did not believe that I would like it at all. Boy, was I ever wrong. I loved it!!! From beginning to the end, I was caught up in it. The intensity of the fighting scenes, the acting, all of it was amazing to me. "300" was a great and amazing film. I know that the movie is old. But, it's new to me. I would even say that its a favorite of mine now. I have HIM to thank for that.

The next movie we watched was "Robin Hood." Another amazing film. It is also in the same vein as "300." The struggle, the fight of good versus evil and a great lead character. And, deep within the plot is a buried love story. That made it even more enjoyable. Russell Crowe is a beast. I never really got the appeal of him. I so get it now. I do. He is so amazing and convincing in these type of roles. I enjoyed the retelling of the "Robin Hood" tale. It was new and exciting to watch. I love the fight in Russell's character. He did not and would not give up. He fought for all that was right. I loved it. My baby was right again. He was two for two.

And, finally we have "Gladiator." This movie solidified my appreciation of Russell Crowe. He was great in this as well. He was enslaved and sold off. He had to right for survival and also to avenge the murder of his family. He became the savior of Rome. The aerial and architectural shots of Rome were beautifully breathtaking. It makes me want to visit there. The movie was very, very good. My baby is now three for three. Seems like he can't pick a bad one. I am glad that he convinced me to watch these films. I love the things he is showing me. It feeds into my need for knowledge about everything. I know these are just movies but they symbolize so much more. I'm looking forward to all the rest of my baby's movie picks, amongst other things.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

My Poetry Corner V: "While You Were Sleeping"

So I got inspired since I was up...alone.

You've just fallen asleep tonight
I listen to you as I try to do the same.
I wonder what you dream about
and if I'm involved
I'm curious of the way your subconscious works
Pondering on the thoughts running through your brain
It's insane how I cannot sleep peacefully without you
I dream about you when I'm still awake
I love waking you up from a deep sleep
Because I love the way you say my name in the early morning hours.
I should be asleep as well
Bit I'm too busy thinking about you
while you were sleeping, Love....

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

This Reader's Review: Part II "Aspire" & "The Travelers Gift: Seven Decision that Determine Personal Success"

I am an avid reader. I absolutely love a good book. The world of literature has to be the best gift my Mother ever gave me. Through books, I was able to expand my mind and my world. I was able to submerge myself into various experiences that were way different than my real life. Reading a book has always been my favorite pastime. So I decided to share my love of literature with you. I still make time to read as much as possible.

One of the last books I just completed was "Aspire" by Kevin Hall. My baby recommended this book to me. We also read it together nightly. This is another reason why I enjoyed this book. This book spoke to my soul."Aspire" is a book about words. Or rather the origin of words and their power. As a poet and a writer, I loved the premise of this book. Kevin Hall is an exceptional writer. His ability to weave a story is impeccable. I had forgotten how different the etymology of word can be. Words change throughout time. Hall takes the reader on a intellectual journey about words through his words. This book has strengthen my respect for words. Especially the word passion. Hall dedicated a whole chapter to the word. Being passionate about something means a lot more to me now. Suffering for your passion is an incredible thing. This book inspired me on so many levels. After I finished it, I felt renewed in my love of words. I also passed this book along to my cousin who is now enjoying it as well. Reading is one of my favorite things to do. I love sharing my live of books with the people I love. I recommend this book to everyone. It's a great, insightful read.

The second book I've recently finished is "The Travelers Gift: Seven Decision that Determine Personal Success" by Andy Andrews. This book literally blew my mind. It's essentially the story of a man who was at his wits end. He had lost all hope, faith, and focus. He had basically given up when an accident changeable the course of his life. He goes on a journey where he discovers the seven decisions that will determine his success. The people he encounters on this journey are surprising and enlightening. The main character is a guy named David. The story of David's journey was completely amazing to me. I was enthralled from the first page with this book. The seven decisions that David discovers throughout this book are essential to every day life. They are mantra that I intend to work into my life. There are mini stories within this story. It's just amazing how simple the decisions are in this book. I'm sure that people overlook them for that reason. I would definitely recommend this book as well.

As you can see, I'm getting into the motivational/life coach books. It's part of my new years resolution. I am making a conscious effort to only take in positive things into my life. These books are helping me achieve my goal. I am going to start reading "The Choice" by OG Mandino. It looks like it will be just as great of a read as the previous two. I'll be sure to let you guys know how it was. Reading is my thing. I absolutely love it. It also feeds my intense need for knowledge. I'm sure that need won't ever die. What have you been reading? I'm open to any suggestions.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

It's Raining

"Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear."

It's raining here today. I'm not a big fan of being in the rain. but, I absolutely love listening to the rain. Hearing it hit the window pane is intoxicating. It is calming to my spirit. I love the fact that the rain cleanses the Earth. I love the smell of the rain approaching. Also the feel of wet grass under my feet reminds me of being a kid. I think my fascintaion with rain stems for my love of water. I am a big fan of ridiculously long, hot showers and equally as long baths. I, however, cannot swim but love to be in a pool. Crazy but so very true.

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

So, as I sit here listening to the soundtrack that this storm is providing, I begin to think about songs about rain. There are some classic tracks that come to mind. I think I love songs about rain as much as hearing the rain. The rain calms me. It seems to make everything around me peaceful. I am not a fan of thunder and lightning. That is never a good time for me. But, just rain is beyond blissful. I think I have waxed philosophically enough about my love for the sound of rain. So, enjoy the music while I finish enjoying this rain.

"A poet is someone who stands outside in the rain hoping to be struck by lightning." - James Dickey

Friday, March 04, 2011

Believing in the Impossible

"They believed what everyone else thought was impossible." - Trevor "Journey To The Center Of The Earth"

While watching the above quoted movie for the first time tonight, that one line stuck with me. How awesome is it to believe in something wholeheartedly when no one else does? And to also find out your belief is the truth. It's vindication at its best. I think too many people doubt our beliefs because they just cannot see things the way others do.

I'm my biggest fan, my own personal cheerleader. I believe in my own ideas, abilities, and thoughts. I don't get caught up in what others think. I forge ahead when I see my vision clearly. It's awesome when your team fully supports you. It's a great feeling. But, in actuality, I've learned that I don't need it to believe. What I see in my mind may never be viewed by others as enthusiastically as I would. People sometimes need to physically see your plan. That's ok. I love to prove them wrong.

My confidence in myself pushes me to accomplish things. I like to cross the finish line. There are certainly times when I need a helping hand. Now, if someone offers, I will accept. I'm getting much better with asking for help. It's really a foreign concept to me. I fix things. I complete stuff on my own. That's the way I've been for 31 years. But I am changing, evolving, and growing.

Believing in impossible things keeps one sharp and young. In the movie, Max believed that a another world existed inside of our world at the center of the Earth. He didn't stop until he proved his theory to be true. That's perseverance. That takes heart and determination. I will always believe in myself and in impossible things. How else will I figure out how far I can climb? Dream big. Believe in the impossible.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Dear Diary (II)

Being able to be the bigger person comes with age & maturity. There will always be someone who will push your buttons. This person knows how to get under your skin. It's an irritating habit that they have perfected. These people live for the drama. They clearly have nothing else going on in their lives. People who are drawn to drama and/or feel the need to create it are sad individuals.

Being the bigger person is hard. It just is. Sometimes its the last thing I want to do. But, I've matured enough to know that its my best option. The reality is if I react then I'm giving the instigator exactly what they wanted. I've perfected the best response. It comes in two forms. They are the giggle and the ultimate ignore. If I am face to face with the person, I will giggle. It infuriates them deep inside. It's always an unexpected response as well. The ignore is awesome. It take all power away from the person. It gives it all back to me. The ignore, in my opinion, is the ultimate mindgame. It is the perfect ending to that situation.

I have not always been this person. It took me a while to get here. I have a smart ass mouth. I'm blunt, have a temper that has thankfully been tamed and blessed with quick wit. And, I'm intelligent to boot. So , it was nothing for me to verbally dead a confrontation. I wasn't going to let anyone try me. I have never had an issue standing up for myself or standing my ground. Anything less was never even an option. I've learned to bite my tongue and hold things in a bit more. Maturity is a wonderful gift that I appreciate every single day.

There was a situation this week that prompted this blog. I am so proud of myself for not following my first mind. I did not do or say anything out of character. So this is me patting myself on the back. I don't think I've ever uses so much restraint. I was the bigger person. What a great feeling it was!!!

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Some Days

I'm supposed to be writing every day. That was the mantra I said I was going to live by this year. Some days are much better than others. Some days the words just flow from my soul. On those days, I am the best writer. I am a fountain of inexplicable bliss when it comes to words. I live for those days. And, then there are the days that I cannot formulate an interesting paragraph. I get stuck from the first sentence. I abhor those days. Those days, I chose not to share the less than stellar writing I do with the other writers, poets and readers I know. Those days I am ashamed of me squandering my gift.

There are things I feel I cannot write yet because I haven't experienced enough. I write from my heart and that leaves me very vulnerable. Whenever I write, I am laying my heart bare on the page. That takes guts. Some days I am entirely gutless. There are things I write that I won't post or blog or share because it is too personal. I don't feel ready to share all of me. I am getting better at this though. This blog is a great testament to that. I love to write. It is my passion. Some days. like today, I just have to sit with some topics before I can get into it. This writer has a headache now. I'm done. I'll write to you guys later! <3