Tuesday, September 08, 2015

Lately I've Been In My Feelings

I've been avoiding writing this blog for days, weeks even.  I don't want to write but I need to get it off my heart. I am tired of thinking of it, wrestling with it. The topic du jour is babies. I am at the age that every single time I'm at a family function two topics come up: babies & marriage. The marriage one is easy to shut down. Whenever I'm asked about a husband, I just respond with "He hasn't found me yet." That's easier than saying "I no longer believe in the whole happily ever after fairytale." That's not my issue here. Babies are. I've been telling people that I no longer want children. That is the biggest lie I've ever told. For longer than I want to admit, I've had a dream of being a Mom. I have names picked it. I know what kind of Mother I wanted to be. I was looking forward to pregnancy and childbirth. I wanted to watch my kids grow up and become great people. I wanted to teach them everything I knew and give them the world. I met someone who made me want to be his wife and the mother of his kids. Then, it all fell apart. I was left heartbroken and disillusioned with a lot of things. The biggest being trust, love and family. Because of all of that, my dreams of being a Mom have gotten so far out of my reach. 

In the last few weeks, I have had two super uncomfortable conversations about babies. Both caught me off guard and left me disoriented. Randomly, my supervisor asked me, in front of people, if I was EVER going to have kids. I said no because that is my default answer. I think I've reverted to this response because if I say it enough maybe one day I'll believe it. She went on to say that she thought I would be a great Mom and that she could see me with a little natural haired little girl. I almost cried in public when she said that. She isn't the first person to say this to me. It hurts because I believe it too. I also do not believe that it will happen. She had no idea that she had stumbled upon a seriously sore subject for me. The other conversation bothered me even more. I made a statement to a friend and his response bothered me. I said that "the moment had passed on me wanting a baby." Which by all accounts is not the truth at all. He basically agreed with me. I was annoyed for days behind it. I also have another lifelong friend who always talks down on being a parent even though he is a damn good father to his kid. He says that I have it good being childless. He also doesn't realize how much that hurts me. 

When it comes to this subject, I am so angry with myself for still being affected by it. People always say you can never miss what you never had. That is a bold face lie from the pits of hell. Not being a Mom is a huge ache in my core. It's a real and tangible emptiness I feel. I wish that I would have never admitted that I wanted to be a Mom. Maybe then this wouldn't hurt so much. I am literally surrounded by babies all the time. Nieces and nephews and cousins and godchildren. I  am the only one of my friends who hasn't had a baby. I hate that I allowed myself to believe in the Mom and wife and family dream. I hate that it was taken from me. I hate that I feel anything about this. But, here I am, with this hole in my heart that cannot be filled in any other way. I feel like this is an ache that I will just learn to live with. Just like I've done with my Dad's murder and my last heartbreak. I dealt with them as much as I could and then I just suppress the residuals. I don't know how long this ache will last or how long before the words "I don't want to have kids" actually feel like the truth to me. But, I will keep saying them until they do. I'm not expecting anyone to tell me that it will be ok because it won't. I wanted something so badly and I cannot have it. That hurts and it sucks. But, I know I'll survive it. I have no other choice. I hate that I'm  writing this, hate even more that I'm feeling this way. But, it's my truth. And, I'm going to stand in it.