Thursday, May 10, 2012

The First Time...

I Love You. Three little words that mean so much. Eight little letters that can virtually change lives. It's something that until I was in my late 20's that I truly understood the true meaning of it. Yes, I've said it before then. Once to someone I didn't love at all. I only said it because he said it. Sad but true. I said it to my first love as well. But, we weren't the saying I love you all the time types. That should've been the biggest red flag. I conveniently missed it. I remember that before I only said it as a response. I never was the person who initiated the love conversation. I didn't think a girl was supposed to say it first. Then, I grew up and left that little girl behind. I became a woman who had to get those words out someway. Because I felt them and they needed to be said. But, luckily, I found my way back to love again. This time, it was different.

I was completely surprised to find myself in love again. I wasn't looking for it. Actually, I had decided that my life would be better without it. I was in a weird emotional space then. I remembering dreaming that I told him I loved him. I woke up and my first thought was "Oh my God, I'm in love with him! When did it happen?" I also remember smiling about that thought. When I realized I was falling in love when seeing his name on my cell conjured up the butterflies. I tried to deny it because I was sure I wasn't worthy of it. I pushed it way down deep inside. Little did I know that it doesn't work like that.

I remember the exact moment I wanted to say "I love you" to him. It was the Saturday after Thanksgiving 2010. I stopped myself. I literally ate those words because I was scared that he wouldn't know what to do with them. Or that he didn't feel the same so he wouldn't reciprocate. I knew he like me a lot and that he cared about me. But we were talking about love. This was huge and new for me and him too. I was a mess emotionally that day. I was crying and couldn't get my thoughts together. I held it in for about two weeks. I actually wrote it in Spanish on a blog. He saw and of course my guy asked me what it meant. I knew then that he felt the same. We finally said those words to each other. And, once they were out, we've never stopped saying them.

Yes, I was afraid of his response. But, I also knew that I loved him enough to handle it. There comes a lot of responsibility with those words. People shouldn't say them if they don't mean it. I tell my nieces and nephews I love them all the time. Because I want that to be a big part of their memories of me. As far as romantically, I've not been a woman who's loved a lot. But, I love hard and deep. And, I always mean it when I say it now. There is no other way to say that. I Love You. Three little words. Eight little letters. Mean it when you say it. Tell me your first time I love you stories. I want to know.

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