A Moment of Truth

Fears. We all have them. We all live with them or conquer them. But, they are a part of life. My fears have changed since I was a kid. They've gotten bigger and also more specific. My biggest fear is an all encompassing one. It has evolved. My fear is now multifaceted. I fear that I will end up alone and childless. And, even more, I fear that there will never be another man who will look at me and truly see me and love me and more importantly, make the choice to stay while choosing me every day. It's what keeps me up at night. Has for months now. It is the reason why I haven't dated anyone else. I know for a fact that I couldn't survive another heartbreak. So, it's easier to be alone, to cut myself off from people. Because the reality is, I'm the only person who isn't capable of hurting me. It's easier not to feel or engage or pursue those avenues. It's better to stay behind this brick wall I've built back up around me. I'm smart enough to know that this isn't healthy and that my thoughts are a tad bit irrational. But, I'm also smart enough to know that I feel what I feel for a reason. Everything comes back to our personal experiences. 

Family and friends alike have told me that I shouldn't feel this way. Excuse me? No one can tell me how I should feel. And, the reality is that I feel like this. These are my thoughts, my feelings. They are real and they matter. If only because I felt them. I have stopped talking to them about this issue because no one really gets it. And, I don't fault them for it. This is my issue, my concern, my messed up emotional issues. I am praying that one day I'll be able to go to sleep without thinking about this fear. That I will wake up and it will have disappeared. Here's hoping that despair can be replaced with optimism. I do not want the things that have happened to me to determine what will happen for me. That is my definition of hell. My life being a series of reactions instead of actions. I'm way too headstrong and strong willed for that. That's not the woman I am or aspire to be. So, I'm on a journey to defeat this fear and way of thinking. There can only be one outcome: me winning. I am posting this to give myself a mirror to look in. I need to be accountable to myself. I'm ashamed of myself for letting this fear paralyze me. They say if you change your way of thinking, you can change your life. That is my motto now. 

Facing It

Fear is a powerful emotion. It can literally stop anyone in their tracks. It is the force that will prevent a person from moving forward. FEAR is an acronym for "false evidence appearing real." I do not really believe that. Fear is real. I know how it grips my heart, the way it makes me feel and the doubts that it plants in my mind. Growing up, I had one MAJOR fear. That fear was being a single parent. My fear was not in the fact that I could/would be a great parent. It laid more in the fact of doing it alone. I watched my Mom break her back for me and my brother. She worked two sometimes three jobs to provide for us. She was the epitome of a great Mom to us. But, for years, my Mom was always so overworked and exhausted. There were so many things she missed out on in my life because she had to work. My Dad had his faults, mainly not being there and not paying child support. I didn't want to live that life. I wanted more, better. My Mom wanted this for me as well.

Now, that I am heading quickly towards 35, my fear has changed. The thing I fear the most is twofold. I fear being alone and never being a parent. Those are real, tangible, accessible fears. I do not know how to shake these fears. I cannot figure out how to get past it. I feel silly still wanting that elusive dream of marriage and babies. But, I do. I've tried so many ways to not worry about it but it's hard. It's difficult waiting around for something you want so bad that may never happen.People say that you have to face your fears but I have no clue how to do that now. This isn't like my fear of heights. I've faced it by riding roller coasters and flying. Or my fear of spiders. I survived having a tarantula crawl up my thighs. Or my fear of snakes. I didn't freak out being near one a few weeks back. This fear isn't one I can face truly yet. I do not have a solution. But, it's something that has been on my mind a lot lately. All I do know is that I cannot let these fears prevent me from living my life. I know that whatever God has for me is for me. Believe that. 

Fear Assuaged

 

I've been tortured by one singular thought lately. I've had nightmares about it. It's been on my mind constantly. That issue has been children & the probability of me ever having any. It's no secret that I'm 33. I believed that my window of opportunity was fast lying closing. And, that frightened me. Then, there was a moment of divine intervention. The latest issue of Glamour magazine had been collecting dust on my coffee table for a week. I didn't have any real intention of reading it. But, I picked it up and flipped through it. As I was oohing and aahing over the fashions and perfumes, I came across an article that made me stop. The article was about women freezing their eggs. The article was enlightening. But, there was a graph in the corner of the 3rd page that held my interest. It broke down fertility rates in women over 30. It calmed down my fears. Fears that even my doctor couldn't stop me from having. The graph was extremely detailed. I have no idea what my future holds. I'm no longer apprehensive of it never happening. I still dream about that little brown girl and boy. I already know their names. Maybe one day my dream will come to fruition. For now, I have let this fear go. I've prayed about it. And I know whatever is for me, will always be for me.

#30in30: Defining My Literary Voice

"Do you have a 5, 10 year plan?" he quietly asked. That question used to cripple me. Only because I never knew exactly what the right answer was supposed to be. It's like the "describe yourself in 5 words" question. Such a hard question to fully answer. This time, I had an answer. Because the older I get, the more focused I am becoming. My ultimate goal is to write a novel. That's the easy part, proclaiming my future. The hard part deciding what to write, what particular story to tell. In college, I started working on a novel. I was heavily influenced by the literature that I was taking in. I was all about the urban lit genre. I gobbled it up. I read just about every highly praised street lit book. The story lines were new and exciting to me. Mainly because they were all so foreign to my life. 

I grew up in the hood but I was never a street chick. I was enthralled with that lifestyle in the pages of those books. My first attempt at writing my novel was unauthentic to me. It wasn't my voice or my story to tell. So I destroyed it. I sent all of those words to a fiery death. I didn't want anyone to read them. They were awful. Now, I am more focused on telling a story that speaks of my heart. I know that I want to create great characters who have depth that just happen to be Black. My plot and story have to be awesome. I am leaning more towards a romantic comedy edge. That is what piques my interest. I want people to get so lost in my world that the race of my characters means nothing. I just want to write a beautiful moving piece of work. It's easier said than done. 

Anyone who proclaims to be a writer knows how hard it is to share your art with the world. My words are like my babies. It's hard to give the world your heart because everyone isn't going to love what you do. I have tough skin but my heart is fairly fragile. It's the one thing hindering me. I have decided to just do it. Just go for it. I have to know if I have the literary chops to make it. I feel it deep in my heart that I do. I know once I have my work published, I am opening ng myself up to the criticism of the world. People will have their strong opinions about it. Some will love it, others will hate it. I have to accept that fact. I know I won't be able to satisfy all of the readers with my work. I have to accept that fact. 

Finding and perfecting my literary voice has been a tedious task. I do not want to tell a story that has already been told. I cannot be a carbon copy of the writers I love. It's one of the main reason I love my blog. I get to write my story in my voice here. Writing is a skill that needs to be sharpened. It can only be accomplished by writing in mass quantity with mass quality. I pour my heart out here. I'm hoping that I can translate that passion into my novel. I am putting it out into the universe that I will write that special piece of literary gold. I'm focused on doing the work to achieve that. My mind, heart and literary voice are all in sync. Remember my name and this particular post. I know what my future holds.

The Father Files: Part I "Lack of a Father"

For the last month or so, I have been trying to get this blog down. Since I could not figure which way to go with it, I decided to scrap it. This took a lot out of me to write this. The topic was about the lack of fathers in families and/or single parent homes. Most of the people I know either grew up with their father in and out of their lives or with their dad never being involved. It's also as if that has become the new norm. I don't like that stigma. The lack of my father not being a prominent figure in my life has definitely shaped me and my outlook.

Because of my upbringing in a single parent home with a father who was more out than in my life, I'm sure that has influenced many of my decisions. I never had a positive look on marriage, parenthood and more importantly, single parenthood. My Mom did a great job raising my brother and I. but, I watched her work two and three jobs and sacrifice it all for us. I know she doesn't regret it because we are her greatest accomplishment. I hated that we had to struggle and that my father did not seem to care enough to provide for us. As much as I loved him, I hated him for that. So I decided as a teen that I was never getting married or having kids. I was deathly afraid of having to raise a child by myself.

The more I played around with topic, the more I realized something about myself. I stayed in my last relationship because I was afraid to be alone. The relationship was dysfunctional. I took his shit because I did not know how to function without him. Strangely enough, he was eerily like my Dad. We were both young and broken. Both grew up with no Fathers in our life. It was puppy love that never grew up. We were playing at an adult love. In hindsight, I see that I held on to the idea of the boy I once knew. I was too blinded to see that the boy I once loved did not reside inside this man who I was with on and off. When I finally had a light bulb moment, I got it. I truly got it. I walked away without looking back. It was over. I was free from it.

But, this is where the real work started. I had to find my way out of that dark place. I believed that I wasn't lovable. That there had to be something wrong with me. I was not in a good place. I had to deal with the fact that I had to fix some things. My childish out look on love for one. And, my issue with needing security in the form of a man. Otherwise known as Daddy issues. I was that woman. So, I wrote a lot. I prayed, I read the Bible. I got back to me. I did not call, text or email my ex. I had no reason to. He was finally out of my system and out of my life. It's crazy how clear things become when you are not in them anymore.

I hope that my Dad is proud of me. That he is happy with the woman I am. He is no longer here, I am no longer angry at him. I'm just his daughter. I finally realized that I deserve love. But, he was only going to come when it was time. I swear that God has an intense sense of humor and timing. I always wondered if the lack of my Father not being in my life would help or harm me. I have come to the conclusion that it was a little bit of both. I do know that I will do everything in my power to make sure my future kids get the American dream. A happy, functioning household with two parents who are married and who love each other. That's my biggest dream. If I don't do anything else, that is the one goal I am determined to reach and conquer.

Right About Now...

When I started this blog, my purpose was just get myself writing again. It has since become about more than just writing for me. It's like an online journal of my life now. My happiness, my sadness, my trials and tribulations are all bared here on my blog for the world to see. Writing keeps me accountable for my actions. So with that thought in mind, I decided to blog about the things I cannot shake no matter how right and good my life is. These are the things I fear the most about the uncertainty of life and the unknown. I don't know if this is courageous or crazy at this point. But, in all honesty, it's what's on my heart at this moment. So I'm going with it. i think that maybe if I write about it, I can abolish or alleviate them. either way, here I go.

My Fears:

* Writing this blog right now.

* That despite my best efforts that I will end up alone. Being alone is my biggest deepest fear. I am sure this stems from the people I've loved the most leaving.

* That I will never live up to my full potential.

* That I will hurt those who love me and that I love.

* That I will squander my God given talent away.

* That I will never have children. I mean, I am almost 31 1/2 years old. I hear my biological clock ticking LOUDLY.

* And on the other side of the above, I have long feared that I would be a single parent. I'm guessing that is why I have been so diligent with birth control methods. I did not think I was strong enough to raise a child on my own.

* That in the end, none of it will matter anyway.

(this list will grow and shrink depending on my mood...which sucks by the way right now)

Frozen Fear

Fear. A word I despise. An emotion that I feel makes me weak & takes away from the woman I am. There isn't much I fear. But, the ones I do have are pretty big. So much so that I feel like one in particular is preventing me from moving forward. That fear is failure. Failure in love to be specific. I think that would be the most tragic thing of all.

I'm afraid of failing at the one thing I know I need. I feel as if I will mess up love the next time it comes my way. The reason why I feel this way is because I feel like I messed it up the last time. I've only been in love once. And, it ended badly on all accounts. I was good & I was bad in that situation. I can't blame everything on him. Thus, being why I'm scared to open myself up to a new situation. I don't wanna hurt someone else. Because you know "hurt people hurt people." I'm to the point that I actually tense up @ the mere thought of it. This isn't good or healthy. Nor is it the life I want for me.

This fear is preventing me from getting to my future, from getting to my happy. I don't want to be the woman with regrets. That's not a life. In ten years, I don't want to look back & wonder what if. I want to be married with kids and enjoying my life. And, not embracing my fear. I know that I'm the only person who can get me from under the weight of my fear. I'm working on it. It's not going away as fast as I would like though. That frustrates me on some level. But, I refuse to give up. Al I can do is pray & push forward. I just hope that the person I'm sure my future lies with is still standing there with his arms open for me when I finally breakthrough. *fingers crossed & paryers sent up*


"The only thing we need to fear is fear itself, nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." - President Franklin D. Roosevelt

Day 26: My Fears

My fears are simple:

* failure
* snakes
* spiders
* being alone forever