What My Heart Wants

I'm spoiled. I know this & accept it. I want what I want when I want it. Simple as that. There were a few things that I have never voiced that I really wanted until now. I was never comfortable voicing this intense want. Thought it would make me look and seem a certain way. Recently I've shed that feeling.

I grew up completely shunning the idea of marriage and children. I was the older sister and played mom to everyone. So I was not sold on the whole husband, 2.5 kids, dog and white picket fence. That dream was a fallacy that did not exist in my world. I just didn't see none of that for me. I was told on numerous occasions by multiple family members that "I would change my mind when I grew up." The ages of 18 and 21 came and went without any change. I just wasn't that concerned with that life.

Then, a beautiful little girl was born in 2001. She is my God-daughter. I felt this pull in my heart when I first saw her, first held her on my arms. I harbored that feeling deep within myself. I wasn't in the right place or right relationship to become a Mom. So, I buried it. I gave all of that love to my God-kids. Their love, in return, filled me up. I decided I didn't need to be Mommie because Nanna was just as great. That thought sufficed for years.

But, one can only deny their true feelings for so long. This realization came to me the year I turned 30. This intense need to have kids creeped back to the forefront of my heart. The ironic part of this is that I wasn't in a relationship at all this time. I always thought the whole biological clock ticking thing was a myth. I was dead wrong. I try my best not to mention every baby related thought that crosses my mind. I simply cannot wait to have my own brown babies. I'm completely enthralled with that idea. And, furthermore, I want the great marriage too. I guess in that way, I'm more traditional than I believed. I just know that my heart yearns for this life. I know that it's my destiny.