Power is defined as "the ability to act or do; capability of doing or accomplishing; the possession of control or command over others. Authority." Power can be intoxicating. For the purpose of this blog, I am looking at power as exchangeable. If a person, place or thing can make you act outside of your morn then you are giving them your power. That person or situation now has control of you and your emotions. When you're in the midst of a situation, you can lose sight of this. It's not easy to calm yourself down once you've become emotional. Emotions can be a nuisance. They betray our rational minds. I am a lot of things, powerful is one of them. I do not like to feel like I'm not in control of my life or what's going on. Any situation like that makes me feel unbalanced and weird. I don't feel like myself because I am not myself. This exchange of power is always negative. I do not care to be in any situation that takes me out of my element.
The reality is that I keep giving away my power willingly. Every single time I give into my emotions and engage in the same cyclical conversation. I am searching for answers and explanations from someone who decided months ago that I wasn't worth them. Every time I act outside of myself, I am giving this person the power over me, my emotions. Why would a smart woman keep doing such insane things? One word, four letters is the only reason. L-O-V-E. It's also the reason that I cannot go any further down this road. I'm tired of doing the same thing and expecting different results. I am sick of feeling less than. That's what love has done to me. It has changed me, for better or worse. I don't want to be powerless. But, this situation keeps bringing me back to the same results. So, I quit. I give up. I concede to the fact that I will never get the answers that I need. So, I'm going to mentally put a top on this box and kick it to the deepest, darkest corner of my mind. I have to. Power is freedom. Power is knowledge. I need more of it. The road back to me isn't that long. I know who I am. Strong, intelligent and thoughtful. I've been powerful before. I will be again. Because it's a part of who I am.
Love is not the enemy you're hurt because the vision in your head doesn't line up with the reality. Love didn't cause this pain it was an individual that claimed to love you that caused this pain. You continue to chase after what you think you lost, you can't see it now but there is a lesson and a blessing in this. The person that walked away from you did you a favor. TD Jakes say's that your destiny is never tied to anyone that left. If that person loved you and wanted to be with you then they would be in the trenches fighting to make things work not just throwing their hands up and walking away. Don't let a break up break you down this is not the end this is the beginning.
ReplyDeleteMs. J - Wow. You truly spoke a word to my heart. I know that everything that you're saying is true. But, in this moment, I cannot separate the sct from the man. The man who said he loved me hurt me more than anyone else in my life ever has. It's a lot to take in and get over. I haven't figured out how to pick up and move on from it...yet. I know I will. I'm hoping that day will come sooner than later. Thank you for reading and commenting. I needed to read this.
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