Saturday, August 03, 2013

#31WriteNow: The Kenda Project

I am in transition. That is the only way to describe my life currently. I've spent my life helping others fix their problems and situations. What I haven't done is allowed anyone to return the favor. Why? I'm not that type of girl. I have oldest sibling syndrome. I am the Olivia Pope of my circle, the fixer. It's what I do. But, that hasn't worked out the way I hoped it would. I am left here with the most important person in my life broken. There are so many things that I feel need to change. I went to a movie premiere the other night ("Battle of the Year") and one quote stuck out. "Change your mind, change your life." Simple but true. I can't move forward with the thoughts I've been thinking. So, change is the word of the moment. It's my only option. I cannot continue to live the way I have. It's not what I was destined to be or do. I am the only project I am working on right now.  It's the most important one. It may sound selfish but I have to do it. I've given parts of myself to others to my own detriment. Those days are over. It's time to look out for number one.

I have to guard my feelings and my heart. I've been mulling over going back to school. I just need to do it. I have to decide what route is best for me. Either getting a Master's in Education to teach English or taking the LSAT to head to law school. I've also put out some pitches for online publications. I feel like my literary voice needs to heard on a grander scale. I've wasted too much time this year thinking about what I felt I've lost. That won't do any longer. I have so much to be thankful for. I also need to accept what is. The world will continue to spin either way. I haven't had fun or been any fun for a while. That's over as well because it isn't me. I know it as do my friends. They've mentioned it. No more anti-social Kenda. I have too much life left in me to live to not do anything. My smile above needs to be permanent. No more numbing the pain with vices. The Kenda Project is in full effect. And I couldn't be more excited about my life, my future. What's done is done. I will leave all of my past behind me. If it doesn't help me, it cannot move forward with me. No one else can do it for me. It's that simple. I decided."Change your mind, change your life." Indeed. 

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