I wish I was one of those women who believed that aging was a graceful art. One who welcomed aging with open arms. I am a not that woman. Getting older is not something I look forward to. In a little bit over four months, I will be 34. Thirty freaking four! What?!? When did this happen? Where has the time gone? How is it possible for me to be 34? Not to sound conceited but I don't look 33. In the last week alone, three separate people had be pegged as a 24/25 year old. I was, of course, flattered. I mean that's an enormous compliment. I don't feel like a woman who's almost 34. They say you're only as old as you feel. And, I don't feel a day over 30.
I remember being 16 and thinking that 30 was old. I used to believe that my life would be completely mapped out by 30. What a damn joke! Do you know what I figured out at 30? That I didn't want any if the things I coveted in my 20's. I changed my thoughts on marriage and kids and where I wanted to live. Now, almost four years later, I've changed my mind again about most things. What I know to be true is that my birthday is fast approaching. I want to accept the fact that although I don't feel old, I'm getting older. I want to welcome my 34th year with happiness. I owe that to myself to be happy about making it through another year. Especially a year like this one. If I can survive this, I will be smiling every single day.
What I've learned in my 33 years is there is always more to learn. I've made plan after plan. God has laughed at most of them. I've succumbed to the fact that his plan is bigger and better than my own. I've prayed for clarity and direction. It's what I need most. My plans don't matter. I just know that God will order my steps. Anything that hasn't worked out before is because it wasn't supposed to. I've tried too hard to make reason/season people into lifetime people to no avail. It hurts to recognize that I was wrong. Incredibly, stupidly wrong about so much. But, life is all about lessons learned. If we're lucky, with age cones maturity. I've definitely matured this year. I can't pretend that any of this has been easy. I've learned the true definition of growing pains. Thirty four years of wisdom and knowledge. I'm thankful and grateful for every single day of those years. Isn't that what it's really all about? Growing gracefully. Age ain't nothing but a number. I'm glad to be alive to greet a new age soon.