Thursday, August 22, 2013

#31WriteNow: In My Mind

I've had a lot of time to think the last few months. My mind is full of so many thoughts. Most are things I will never verbalize. Could never say. Others are fears that have somehow found their way back to the forefront. I've always been an "in my head" type of person. Thinking & over thinking are two things I have mastered. This is the gift and the curse. Always has been. Especially when it comes to things I don't want to face. Life doesn't have a pause button or a time out option. Things happen, fall apart or go awry daily. The only option is to deal. Find some way to get through that moment.

That's what I've been faced with lately. And, I haven't dealt with things in the best way. I've drank way too much wine and Ciroc. I've cried so much that I feel like my tear ducts should be empty. Sleep no longer knows my name. I've written so many letters that I'll never send. And the worst thing I've done is keep my problems to myself. I can't bring myself to truly talk about what's really bothering me. Because of all the things that life has thrown my way lately, I am not myself. I don't feel like I'm being me. And the reality is how could I? I am different. I am broken in places I can't reach or fix. I feel like I'm standing still, stuck to this spot and the world is on fast forward around me. Everybody is moving, doing, growing. And I'm not doing anything but watching.

I know that things will get better. That there will come a moment where I can feel like I can truly breathe again. When I see that the world is a bright, sunny place again. I know all of that. But, right now, that seems so far away that I can barely imagine it. My heart is heavy. My head hurts. I need a moment. Give me a moment please. A minute to get it together again. I know I'll be just fine one day. I mean, I'm Yolanda's daughter & she did not raise a quitter or a weakling. These are just some of the thoughts floating through my crowded mind. I needed to share it.

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