Monday, August 05, 2013

#31WriteNow: "And Our Feelings Just Aren't Feelings Anymore."

Feelings. Emotions. I've spent most of the year analyzing mine. Why I feel what I feel. What to do about what I feel. How to act on those feelings. It's all a balancing act. The one thing I will never do is apologize about how I feel or why I feel that way. Why do you ask? Because no matter what, what I feel is real to me. My feelings are just that, mine. I will no longer apologize to anyone about the way I feel. You say something that hurts me? I will speak on it. You do something that bothers me? You're going to know about it. Why? Because my feelings matter. I've spent far too long holding my tongue in order to not hurt others. But, what does that solve if in turn I am hurting myself? I am my number one priority. It's been proven that no one will ever be as conscious of my feelings as I am. I have to look out for myself. 

Emotions can be a funny thing. They can take us out of character. That has been my biggest issue with really showing my emotions. But, I'm human and I can break. I try very hard to not react to folks. Sometimes I fail. I either will cuss you the hell out which can be deadly. I have a really slick mouth and smart brain. It's a deadly combo when I'm angry. OR I will break down and cry. That's the worse to me. I hate that reaction the most. Because it shows that I was so upset and I didn't have a rational solution. Crying is still the worse thing ever in my world. I hate it. It drains me mentally. And, once I start to cry, it takes forever for me to calm down. I'm totally inconsolable most o f the time. It's why I don't like to cry in front of people. I write when I feel too emotional. It's my creative outlet. I have to write to get it all out. I've learned how to channel my emotions into something productive. In that way, I've been really lucky. I have over 1000 blogs in draft mode right now. They may never see the light of day. But, they were written to save me. In the end, I had to learn to not let my emotions control me. That was a great lesson to learn. 

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