Thursday, November 03, 2011

Getting That Feeling Again

I do not know if its an age thing. I will be 32 this year in December. Or if it's the fact that I just recently became an Aunt for the 7th time last week. Or if its that babies just smell so incredibly good. But, thoughts of babies have clouded my thoughts a lot lately. It's amazing to me how this happened. I used to be the girl who swore I would never have kids. I've played the "Mommy" role since as far back as I could remember. I am the oldest and I am the boss. But, now I want babies. My own. I want to be pregnant I want to watch my body grow and carry a child. I want to feel him/her kick for the first time. I want to be able to feel my baby move within my tummy. I crave these things.

I used to have an intense fear of parenthood. I realized that what I feared the most was single parenthood. I watched my Mom go above and beyond to provide for me and Kendrick. She worked so hard. I did not want that for me. I did not want to raise a child without the Father in the house. I needed my Dad so much growing up. I yearned for him. That was an ache, a hole my Mom could not fill. She was and still is amazing in my eyes. But, there are some things a woman cannot teach her daughter about men or teach her son about becoming a man. Kids need both parents. So I convinced myself that I didn't want kids because I wasn't too sold on the idea of marriage.

And, now, I feel differently. I think about what my kids will look like, who they will be, when I will meet them. I feel like they are my destiny. I think I would be a great Mom because I am aware of myself. I feel my heart swell when I'm around kids. Especially when they tell me they love me. I cannot wait to hear my babies call me "Mommie." I am overcome with emotions when I think of it. Babies are a beautiful thing. I also realize that I wasn't mentally or emotionally ready for a baby in my 20's. I did not know that then. But, I am fully aware of it now.

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