Sunday, September 16, 2012

Shining Star

I'm going to tell you a story. It's an all actual factual tale of something that has been following me for almost fourteen years now. On September 23, 1998, my father, Kenneth J. Hawkins Sr. was brutally murdered. I've touched on this subject here, here, and here. Because I've discussed it significantly in the past, this post is not about that. It's about something that happened the night of his murder. That Wednesday was a blur of people, places, and things. I remember walking from my house to my Grandmother's house. she lived around the corner from me. I was angry, confused and on edge. People were talking to me, giving me their condolences. I, however, was out of it. It was all a lot of white noise. I responded automatically to the questions. I was literally having an out of body experience. I kept walking from my house to my Grandmother's house. It was on one of these walks that night that I noticed this extremely bright twinkling star in the sky. It was very weird because besides this one star the sky was perfectly clear. It was there the entire time I was outside that night.

This could have been a fluke. Except that Thursday night, it was back. Friday night it was there again. In a strange way, the presence of this star calmed me. I was a bundle of emotions and nerves but this star quieted all of this. That Saturday, we buried my Dad. It was one of the worst days of my life. That day made it real to me. And, all I wanted to do was crumble. But, that was a luxury I could not afford at the moment. My brother, three cousins, and a cousin in law were sitting/laying in the bed of an uncle's truck that night. I was staring at this star that was brighter than it had been all week. I closed my eyes and prayed to God that I would always feel my Dad's spirit around me. Directly after I finished this prayer, that star twinkled really fast and then it started raining. Everybody got up to run inside. I took my time. This is big because anyone who knows me knows I hate to get caught in the rain. I cannot explain what I felt but the rain wasn't bothering me. I finally felt the need to tell someone what I suspected. I chose my brother Kendrick. And, to my surprise, he noticed it too. I was relieved that I wasn't losing it. We talked about this a lot over the years.

I still see this star sometimes. I know scientific minds will say that this isn't possible. That there is no way that a star is the spirit of my Dad. But, I know what my heart feels. I know that I still see this brightly twinkling star, especially when I'm feeling down. It could be nothing or it could be everything. I just know what I feel. I also know that there are so many things that aren't logical in this world. This is one of those things for me. Up until this moment, Kendrick is the only other person who knew this. I saw this star the other night. It made me smile. I feel like my Dad is still watching over me, his first born. I needed that thought then, I still need it now. It's ironic, my Dad was a star in his own right while he was here. So, why shouldn't he be a star in his afterlife?

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