Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Father Files: Part I "Lack of a Father"

For the last month or so, I have been trying to get this blog down. Since I could not figure which way to go with it, I decided to scrap it. This took a lot out of me to write this. The topic was about the lack of fathers in families and/or single parent homes. Most of the people I know either grew up with their father in and out of their lives or with their dad never being involved. It's also as if that has become the new norm. I don't like that stigma. The lack of my father not being a prominent figure in my life has definitely shaped me and my outlook.

Because of my upbringing in a single parent home with a father who was more out than in my life, I'm sure that has influenced many of my decisions. I never had a positive look on marriage, parenthood and more importantly, single parenthood. My Mom did a great job raising my brother and I. but, I watched her work two and three jobs and sacrifice it all for us. I know she doesn't regret it because we are her greatest accomplishment. I hated that we had to struggle and that my father did not seem to care enough to provide for us. As much as I loved him, I hated him for that. So I decided as a teen that I was never getting married or having kids. I was deathly afraid of having to raise a child by myself.

The more I played around with topic, the more I realized something about myself. I stayed in my last relationship because I was afraid to be alone. The relationship was dysfunctional. I took his shit because I did not know how to function without him. Strangely enough, he was eerily like my Dad. We were both young and broken. Both grew up with no Fathers in our life. It was puppy love that never grew up. We were playing at an adult love. In hindsight, I see that I held on to the idea of the boy I once knew. I was too blinded to see that the boy I once loved did not reside inside this man who I was with on and off. When I finally had a light bulb moment, I got it. I truly got it. I walked away without looking back. It was over. I was free from it.

But, this is where the real work started. I had to find my way out of that dark place. I believed that I wasn't lovable. That there had to be something wrong with me. I was not in a good place. I had to deal with the fact that I had to fix some things. My childish out look on love for one. And, my issue with needing security in the form of a man. Otherwise known as Daddy issues. I was that woman. So, I wrote a lot. I prayed, I read the Bible. I got back to me. I did not call, text or email my ex. I had no reason to. He was finally out of my system and out of my life. It's crazy how clear things become when you are not in them anymore.

I hope that my Dad is proud of me. That he is happy with the woman I am. He is no longer here, I am no longer angry at him. I'm just his daughter. I finally realized that I deserve love. But, he was only going to come when it was time. I swear that God has an intense sense of humor and timing. I always wondered if the lack of my Father not being in my life would help or harm me. I have come to the conclusion that it was a little bit of both. I do know that I will do everything in my power to make sure my future kids get the American dream. A happy, functioning household with two parents who are married and who love each other. That's my biggest dream. If I don't do anything else, that is the one goal I am determined to reach and conquer.

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