Really?

This blog is a labor of love and struggle. I did not want to write this. I had to write this. I have been searching for the words for this blog all week. I still don't know if this will sum up all of my feelings on the subject. Babies or rather the lack of them in my life. I have been disturbed for the last 6 years about family and friends questioning me about them. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be a Mom. I think I would be great at it. I've had more than enough practice.

I can't believe that some folks would have the audacity to question my choices. It's as if me not having children makes me less of a woman. Or that a life without children, if I chose that, would be unfulfilled or not worth living. I hate that I allow the people I love to make me feel that way. I also hate that they feel the need to even go there. I have a family member who shall remain nameless who asked me "So, Kenda, when are you gonna have a baby? You know you're getting up there in age." The look on my face was priceless. What I wanted to say was so to the point but what have ended in me calling her a bitch. However, I refrained and responded "I guess that will happen after I get a husband. Seeing as though I've waited this long, I might as well do things in the right order." That was a dog but it was justified. Clearly, she pissed me off!! My response was indeed how I feel.

Maybe loved ones should think before they speak. It's just rude. I know that my age has a lot to do with their questioning. But I'm not ancient. Hell, I'm only 31 years old. I've never been pregnant. Only thought I really was once before. I was relieved when the test was negative. I was 22 and didn't want any part of motherhood. Now almost 10 years later, that feeling is totally opposite of what I feel now. I don't express that thought with many. I don't think I can. Yes, I know I'm blogging about it. But this is different. This is for me and my readers.

I don't think that my existence will only be validated if and when I have a child. I cannot let myself believe that. I don't think I've ever been pregnant because it wasn't time. I wasn't ready before. I wasn't in the right relationship before. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe this. I love kids. My nephews, nieces and Godchildren all hold special spots in my heart. I think it will happen when it's supposed to. And, in the event that it doesn't happen naturally, I will have to be ok with it. Adoption or surrogacy are both viable options. I just know that my children are a part of my future. I already have them named.