Thursday, July 10, 2014

Facing It

Fear is a powerful emotion. It can literally stop anyone in their tracks. It is the force that will prevent a person from moving forward. FEAR is an acronym for "false evidence appearing real." I do not really believe that. Fear is real. I know how it grips my heart, the way it makes me feel and the doubts that it plants in my mind. Growing up, I had one MAJOR fear. That fear was being a single parent. My fear was not in the fact that I could/would be a great parent. It laid more in the fact of doing it alone. I watched my Mom break her back for me and my brother. She worked two sometimes three jobs to provide for us. She was the epitome of a great Mom to us. But, for years, my Mom was always so overworked and exhausted. There were so many things she missed out on in my life because she had to work. My Dad had his faults, mainly not being there and not paying child support. I didn't want to live that life. I wanted more, better. My Mom wanted this for me as well.

Now, that I am heading quickly towards 35, my fear has changed. The thing I fear the most is twofold. I fear being alone and never being a parent. Those are real, tangible, accessible fears. I do not know how to shake these fears. I cannot figure out how to get past it. I feel silly still wanting that elusive dream of marriage and babies. But, I do. I've tried so many ways to not worry about it but it's hard. It's difficult waiting around for something you want so bad that may never happen.People say that you have to face your fears but I have no clue how to do that now. This isn't like my fear of heights. I've faced it by riding roller coasters and flying. Or my fear of spiders. I survived having a tarantula crawl up my thighs. Or my fear of snakes. I didn't freak out being near one a few weeks back. This fear isn't one I can face truly yet. I do not have a solution. But, it's something that has been on my mind a lot lately. All I do know is that I cannot let these fears prevent me from living my life. I know that whatever God has for me is for me. Believe that. 

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