In many aspects, I can be completely fearless. I joined the Speech & Debate team in middle school on a whim. Got up and performed oratory, poetry, and prose with no problem. I was an anchor on my middle school's morning tv program. I am not opposed to public speaking. As a matter of fact, I love it. I love to command people's attention when I have to say. I do not need to be the center of attention or the life of the party. That's never been me. But, I also know I can play that role need be. So, why is it that little things freak the hell out of me?
I sing all the time. Mostly when I'm alone. But, ask me to sing in front of you and I freeze. I don't think that it has anything to do with being judged. I'm wise enough to know that on some level I'm being judged every day by any one. I can't sing. I'm no Patti, Beyoncé or Anita. I sound ok. But I also know it isn't my forté. It literally freaks me out to be put on the spot to sing for someone. I know its silly. It's just how I feel. I don't know of something happened to me as a kid that prevents me from being fearless at this.
There was a time when I did everything in my power to hide my breasts. It took a lot of effort on my part. The twins, as I affectionately refer to them, have been huge for a while. People have made them the topic of conversation. It embarrassed me for years. It took me a while to be comfortable with them. Also, I had to realize that I can't hide them. It's ridiculous on so many levels. I was self conscious about them. I blushed when my friends would speak about the twins as if I wasn't standing right there. I had to embrace that I had something God given that women will pay good money for. I had it naturally. The embarrassment died down. My maturity kicked in & I embraced myself. There has not been one moment since then where I've felt self conscious about them.
Even now, I have moments where the doubts of the younger version of me peeks in. I try not to fall back in to old habits. Being fearless is less about doing and more about existing. That is something I'm always working on. I'm not striving for perfection though. I just want to be the best version of me that I can be. I owe that to myself and to those who love me. I don't like when things/people rattle me. I like to be on top of things in all aspects of my life. That's my ultimate goal. I am always analyzing myself so that I can weed out the bad and work harder on the good of me. What can I say? I am a constant work in progress. Stay with me as I work!
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