Saturday, July 27, 2013
I have a problem. It's serious. When I'm going through conflict with another person, I always wonder what I did wrong. Even when the other person is dead wrong, I will find a way to blame myself. My reasoning is it must have been something about me or something I did to cause their action. I didn't do enough. I wasn't enough. Let me tell you how stressful it is shouldering the responsibility of the world on your shoulders. I've been this way since I was a kid. If someone did me wrong or hurt my feelings, I internalize it in a way that isn't healthy. I obsess over what could have possibly gone wrong more than I should. And, especially more than the other party. Why do I do that to myself? I have no clue. I have oldest old syndrome. I hate losing people. I've learned recently that my fear of abandonment issues lie at my father's feet. That truly explains why I hold on so tight to people, even when they are no good for me. I believe that if you love someone you should stay. That isn't the way life happens.
Realistically, I know it's not always my fault. I didn't make person A lie to me. Nor did I make person B hurt me. People are who they are. Me blaming myself for things I cannot control won't help or solve the issue. I'm very good at looking inside of me. I know who I am. I know that, for some, I'm too much and others, not enough. For the people who stay in my life, I know they see me accurately. Even the parts of me I desperately want to hide. They accept me for exactly who I am. That's unconditional love. Sometimes that's all you need. The people who love you stay because of that. They won't ask you to bend or break for them. They won't ask you to change in a way you're uncomfortable with. I'm not perfect. But, I am working on me for me. Self realization is a big thing for me. I am always defining myself for myself. No other opinion of me matters more than my own. I need to be able to be proud of the woman I see in the mirror. She's the most important person in my life now. I have to make myself proud first.