Do You Still Believe In Love?

Short answer: No. 
Negative. 
Nope. 
Nah. 

The long answer is complex. I do not believe in love for myself anymore. I tried. I failed. I'm done. I'm very in touch with my feelings. I don't personally think I could handle being in love again. Being in love is great when you're in it with someone who loves you back. Staying in love is dope. Learning how to cope after the person you're in love with decides not to love you anymore is akin to purgatory. I'm not built for that. The possibility of it ending frightens me too much. I can't deal. 

Love shouldn't bring out fear. But, in my mind, the two are closely related. I can't willingly be open to an emotion that keeps hurting me. And, maybe I wasn't meant for this particular life. Maybe I'm not that girl. As I'm writing this, the tears are flowing. I swear I've never been the weepy one. But, this year & the actuality of losing love has turned me into her. Love doesn't hurt. I know this. But, the person you love can. And, that's the part I won't ever be ok with. I don't want to take a chance anymore. I don't want to talk to you on the phone or text with you. I don't need to get to know you. I won't be having sex with you. Just no. Do. Not. Want. I'm decidedly single for these reasons.

I am keenly aware of the fact that I am broken. Also, that my brokenness is speaking here. People say once your heart has been broken that time will heal you. That, quite frankly, is a load of crap. Once any person has been broken, they are forever broken. They may heal and move on. But, that broken part of them is still there. They learn how to live with the ache. Nothing broken is every put back together the same way. It's not possible. My own views of being in love are warped. I see it through broken lenses. It's tainted and skewed and wrong. But, it's mine, nonetheless. I stand behind my word and my feelings, no matter how offcentered they may be.

I cannot dream of being in love again because I can't get over the love I'm in now. It's been months and I'm still in love with the man who hurt me the most, the man who broke me. So, here I am, a brokenhearted fool who cannot stomach the idea of love. I'm very anti-love, anti-feelings these days. It took me forever to admit how much I really wanted certain things. I really wish I would not have done so. I'm old enough to know some things. And, maybe what I've learned thus far is that love isn't for me. I never dreamed I'd be almost 34 and alone. I just figured that I'd be a wife and a mom by now. Maybe none of that is part of my destiny. Maybe it was never my dream to begin with. Silly me. So, anony, there is your long answer to a short question.