Friday, November 07, 2014
A Moment of Truth
Fears. We all have them. We all live with them or conquer them. But, they are a part of life. My fears have changed since I was a kid. They've gotten bigger and also more specific. My biggest fear is an all encompassing one. It has evolved. My fear is now multifaceted. I fear that I will end up alone and childless. And, even more, I fear that there will never be another man who will look at me and truly see me and love me and more importantly, make the choice to stay while choosing me every day. It's what keeps me up at night. Has for months now. It is the reason why I haven't dated anyone else. I know for a fact that I couldn't survive another heartbreak. So, it's easier to be alone, to cut myself off from people. Because the reality is, I'm the only person who isn't capable of hurting me. It's easier not to feel or engage or pursue those avenues. It's better to stay behind this brick wall I've built back up around me. I'm smart enough to know that this isn't healthy and that my thoughts are a tad bit irrational. But, I'm also smart enough to know that I feel what I feel for a reason. Everything comes back to our personal experiences.
Family and friends alike have told me that I shouldn't feel this way. Excuse me? No one can tell me how I should feel. And, the reality is that I feel like this. These are my thoughts, my feelings. They are real and they matter. If only because I felt them. I have stopped talking to them about this issue because no one really gets it. And, I don't fault them for it. This is my issue, my concern, my messed up emotional issues. I am praying that one day I'll be able to go to sleep without thinking about this fear. That I will wake up and it will have disappeared. Here's hoping that despair can be replaced with optimism. I do not want the things that have happened to me to determine what will happen for me. That is my definition of hell. My life being a series of reactions instead of actions. I'm way too headstrong and strong willed for that. That's not the woman I am or aspire to be. So, I'm on a journey to defeat this fear and way of thinking. There can only be one outcome: me winning. I am posting this to give myself a mirror to look in. I need to be accountable to myself. I'm ashamed of myself for letting this fear paralyze me. They say if you change your way of thinking, you can change your life. That is my motto now.