Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The Father Files: Part III "Presence & Absence"

So, I am up wrestling with insomnia. Again. Which is the norm these days. Browsing Tumblr and I read something that literally makes my heart stop. The above poem did it. I could not breathe. Thise few words had a deep impact on me. My father is a topic I've explored before here and here. I've also thought of myself as a woman who wasn't that deeply affected by my Father's absence in my life. He was never truly absent in the fact that I always knew where he was and how to contact him. He just wasn't a constant daily figure in my life. I never wondered who my Father was. My parents married before I was born. I carry his last name. He just was not a hands on Father. He never came to my school plays or saw me perform with the Pep Squad or any of the debates for the Speech and Debate Club. He probably could only name one of my ex boyfriends. He didn't know that I hated pink as a teen. The little things that my Mom could rattle off in her sleep, he did not know.

But, it is quite possible that his presence would have been as damaging as his absence. Either way, I was slighted. His absence may be the reason that I'm not married or that I don't have my own family. His spotty presence and often absence affects me to this day. I am guarded in ways I shouldn't be. In the back of my mind, I am always afraid that if I let someone get close to me that they will leave. This is a middle of the night, self actualization moment. My Father decided to be a visitor in my life. I have had to work out some issues because of it. I wish I could've had one last heart to heart with him. Just so he could know how much little girls need their Dads. I became tough because of it. I used my sarcastic wit and intelligence as a shield to hide from the absence of him. I know that I've grown since then. Even now, I feel the remnants of who I used to be. She still has an affect on who I'm becoming. In closing, I'd just like to say that fathers matter. Their presence or absence will always cast a wide shadow. This is just food for thought.

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