Wednesday, February 20, 2013

I've Decided...

^^^^ This gif is my new personal mantra. Being sad sucks. It solves nothing, changes nothing. My situation is still the same. No amount of tears or stressing or being sad will change any of it. Being sad is time consuming, life consuming. It has taken over every aspect of my personality, of my life, and my body. And, I am so tired. Tired of feeling this sadness, tired of carrying this heaviness around daily in my heart. I have decided that I can't bear this weight any longer. It's suffocating me. I've been drowning in my own sea of sadness. And, then I finally had a light bulb moment. I am my own savior from this. No one else can save me from these feelings. So, I became my own life boat.

I am thankful for the site Penzu. It is an online journal site. It has saved me. I've written so much there. It has given me a place to get out all of my sadness, anger, questions, concerns, thoughts and ramblings. I have never been the woman who shared everything. I solve my own problems. I'm the one everyone comes to for advice. So, now that I am in a position where I really need to talk, I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to. So, I vent online under a very securely protected account. It's my solace through this. I was writing multiply times a day on Penzu. Now, I am down to just once a day. I give myself one moment to feel all the sadness my heart holds, to think all the thoughts and get them all out in one sitting. During the day, I have found ways to get out of my own head. The nights are still torture, still the hardest part of my day. Writing helps this writer. Also, so does my Tumblr page. I deleted my old one but I'm back on it. I post songs, quotes and photos that express whatever is on my mind. That may not be a good thing, but I do it anyway.

It's strange how one moment can make you question everything. That's what I've been dealing with. The "what ifs" and the "how comes." They run rampant in my head. And, they keep me up all hours of the night. I haven't really figured out how to prevent this. I've tried ZZZquil and sometimes it works. Meditation does not because I can't clear my mind to do it. But, I am working through it. But, I feel like I am on the mend. I do not know how long it will be before I am back to myself. I am holding on to that hope. I am still sad. I am just not allowing myself to wallow in it. I have been doing that for almost a month now. No good has come of it. Actually, I've made myself feel worse. So, I'm done with that. I'm over that phase. I have to be. There is no other choice to be made.

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