Thursday, February 14, 2013

Anti-Valentine's Day: Out of Control

This gif accurately describes my life. I am def on an emotional rollercoaster. Extreme highs and the lowest of lows. I do not like when things in my life are out of control. That is when I am the most unlike myself. I feel frazzled. I like to be in control. Like things to go a certain way. Emotions are not like that. They aren't easily controlled. And, once something gets your emotions out of whack, there is nothing you can do. That is where I am. And, I'm truly not happy about it. It's not true to who I am in general. It is, however, true to what I am feeling. I am emotional more than I care to truly admit. It is seeping out of my pores every time I walk into a room. And, falling freely from my eyes and mouth as soon as I say a word. It is not the representation I want the world to see. But, I'm too tired to fight it. I'm too hurt to try to fake it for anyone. I am hurting. The world will deal. Also, screw Valentine's Day. I cannot deal with that today. 


People always say that women are so emotional. I have tried my best to not show many that side of me. I am passionate about many things. But, that really emotional side of myself is reserved for a select few. And, even then, I try to keep it under wraps. I just don't like to react or cry in private. I don't really like that my usual tactics aren't working. Or that my emotions are slipping through. I know it's a process that I have to go through. That doesn't mean I have to like it or even appreciate it. I am looking forward to the total numbness. I don't want to feel anything. That would make me feel better. Yes, I know that won't give me closure nor will it mean that I'm over it, but at least then I could deal. I could sorta return to my normal self. That is what I miss: normality. I have lost sight of that version of me. This overly emotional version has got to go. She is bringing me down. Well, farther than I already am. I need a reprieve, por favor.


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