Loving Black Love

I truly believe in Black love. It's something that I think need to be protected and projected onto the world. I haven't been that big on love these days. But, that has more to do with my personal issues than the overall idea. This weekend, my love for love was restored in a HUGE way. My little cousin got married Saturday. Her wedding was a great display of true love. Everything about it was wonderful. The setting was the gorgeous Benachi House in New Orleans. It was first time being there and I am in love with it. The ceremony and reception were outside. I literally cried from the moment the happy couple started saying their vows. They have been together a while. I've always known how much they love each other. But, something about the act of getting married made it that much more real. They were glowing and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. The groom even wrote a poem as his vows to his bride. They were amazing. I had the best time with them and the rest of our family. Love is great but there is something so incredible about Black love to me. 

What I have learned is that it's not about wanting him back because the reality is we can't ever go back. We are no longer those two people. There has been too much space and time and hurt between us to return. I do not know what the future holds but I know I cannot be bitter about a love lost. The reality is maybe what I thought was a forever love wasn't. Forever does not have an expiration date on it. Love is a beautiful thing. I want to be able to look back on the love I had with a smile. Because the love was amazing. I was changed by it. I loved who I was because of him and love. No one can take that away from me. My issue is with how it ended and the fact that I still do not have a comprehensive reasoning as to why it ended. I guess it will be one of those things I won't ever fully understand. I have given it to God because I cannot figure it out. What I do know is that my thoughts on love and marriage were restored this weekend by my cousin and her husband. I thought I would be sad and a bit envious at the wedding. I was dead wrong. I was so happy and tearful during the ceremony. True love really does conquer all. That is the thought I left with. I was full on love. I'm even open to the possibility of love again. However, I am still not ready to date just yet. I'm too busy loving me all over again. When the day comes, I'll know it. But, until then, I will continue to live vicariously through all of the Black love around me. Black love is e-very-thing!! Congrats again to my cousins!!

Just A Thought

Silence can be a double edged sword. It could be solace when you most need it or it could be deafening. I deal with this a lot. Sometimes I want nothing more than the solitude that silence affords me. Other times, I crave people and noise and anything that gets me out of my head. Silence is a gift when the world gets to be too much. But, it can also be the curse when you desire to hear something from someone. I was searching for quotes about silence and found a few that jumped out at me. Along with the picture above, they have been the underlying theme of my life today. It was even mentioned in my horoscope. So, I should've saw it coming. Anyway, just thought I would share all of this with all of you,

• "After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music." - Aldous Huxley
• "Silence is argument carrout by other means." - Che Guevara.
• "He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words." - Elbert Hubbard
• "Absolute silence leads to sadness. It is the image of death." - Jean-Jacques Rousseau
• "After an argument, silence may mean acceptance or the continuation of resistance by other means." - Mason Cooley

I've Decided...

^^^^ This gif is my new personal mantra. Being sad sucks. It solves nothing, changes nothing. My situation is still the same. No amount of tears or stressing or being sad will change any of it. Being sad is time consuming, life consuming. It has taken over every aspect of my personality, of my life, and my body. And, I am so tired. Tired of feeling this sadness, tired of carrying this heaviness around daily in my heart. I have decided that I can't bear this weight any longer. It's suffocating me. I've been drowning in my own sea of sadness. And, then I finally had a light bulb moment. I am my own savior from this. No one else can save me from these feelings. So, I became my own life boat.



I am thankful for the site Penzu. It is an online journal site. It has saved me. I've written so much there. It has given me a place to get out all of my sadness, anger, questions, concerns, thoughts and ramblings. I have never been the woman who shared everything. I solve my own problems. I'm the one everyone comes to for advice. So, now that I am in a position where I really need to talk, I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to. So, I vent online under a very securely protected account. It's my solace through this. I was writing multiply times a day on Penzu. Now, I am down to just once a day. I give myself one moment to feel all the sadness my heart holds, to think all the thoughts and get them all out in one sitting. During the day, I have found ways to get out of my own head. The nights are still torture, still the hardest part of my day. Writing helps this writer. Also, so does my Tumblr page. I deleted my old one but I'm back on it. I post songs, quotes and photos that express whatever is on my mind. That may not be a good thing, but I do it anyway.



It's strange how one moment can make you question everything. That's what I've been dealing with. The "what ifs" and the "how comes." They run rampant in my head. And, they keep me up all hours of the night. I haven't really figured out how to prevent this. I've tried ZZZquil and sometimes it works. Meditation does not because I can't clear my mind to do it. But, I am working through it. But, I feel like I am on the mend. I do not know how long it will be before I am back to myself. I am holding on to that hope. I am still sad. I am just not allowing myself to wallow in it. I have been doing that for almost a month now. No good has come of it. Actually, I've made myself feel worse. So, I'm done with that. I'm over that phase. I have to be. There is no other choice to be made.

Food For Thought

I am inspired easily sometimes. These images have done that for me. The first one describes me perfectly. I have never been one to act my age. I really don't even know what that means. I don't necessarily act younger or older. I'm just me. Sometimes serious, sometimes silly, always myself though. I don't know how a 32-almost-33 year old is supposed to act. But, if it's any way other than my current state of mind then I'll pass. I happen to like the way I act. Everyone else should too.

"Alice In Wonderland" has long been a favorite of mine. I loved the book as a kid and enjoyed the movies as an adult. There are a ton of quotable moments in the story. One of my favorites being "I've sometimes believed almost 6 impossible things before breakfast." Another being the passage below. It's still true to my life. When you have a decision to make and you don't really know where you're going or what you want, then the road you choose really doesn't matter. I think people forget this. It is a quote that I will always carry with me.

I love this image. I've seen it multiple times with certain words being added or deleted. I love the overall message of it that simply means "enjoy your life." It is a reminder to live life while you can. Because in the end, worrying, stressing, over-thinking will not make you enjoy your life any more. I always need this reminder. I need to remember to simply be in the moment. To exist right now without thinking ahead so much. It is one of my bad habits. I am an over-thinker. Have been for as long as I can remember. And, the reality is it's too much weight for me to bear most days. I need to be more and think less. I know some say that less is more but in the case of this image it's the other way around. I need more, deserve more. And, I've decided to grab my more and leave the less behind. I have to. Theses images gave me food for thought. And allowed me to take my mind off of the other things consuming my mind and life. This is just a little food for thought. Take with you what you need. Leave the rest for someone else. Feed your mind!

These Are Just My Thoughts...

- Twitter is the source of pure entertainment. The other night was one of those nights. Brian McKnight posted this gem. The ridiculousness that are the lyrics are only trumped by the creepy smile on his face. Brian, sir, really? You are 42. I'm gonna need you to stick to your earlier material. Leave the raunchy R&B to Trey, Chris, Usher and the rest of the youngsters. This song comes off very pedophile-ish to me. I giggle everything I hear it.

- I've been enjoying some really good R&B lately. I'm loving Monica, SWV, & Melanie Fiona's cds. They are all so good for different reasons. Oh & the "Think Like A Man" soundtrack is pretty awesome as well.

- I finished "The Hunger Games" trilogy. It was so good. I loved all three books. But, by far, my favorite was "The Hunger Games." To me, it was the most detailed oriented. Hopefully, I will see the movie as well.

- I love stumbling across great websites. I've discovered a few in the last week that have made me very happy.

- I am ready for he NBA Playoffs to begin. The shortened season has been nightly underwhelming.

- Politics have been really dirty lately. I'm over the Republicans mudslinging, namecalling and downright childish behavior. Come on, November. I'm ready to re-elect my President.

- I'm beginning to have a really bad feeling about this Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman upcoming trial. I want justice for the Fulton/Martin family. I pray that they get it.

- Since I've started drinking water more exclusively, whenever I drink something sugary it makes my tummy hurt. I used to love Cane's Sweet Iced Tea & now I have to water it down. I actually crave water now. It's amazing how quickly my body has adapted to such a big change.

- Acne Sucks! Yeah, that's about it. Ugh!

- I've just started "Fifty Shades of Grey." I'm slightly intrigued by this storyline. It's supposed to be an erótica that delves into BDSM, a lifestyle I know nothing about. I hear this trilogy is all the rage. It's also getting the movie treatment. So, I wanna know what all the hype is about.

- I am such a need. Reading makes me so happy. I love to get lost in the authors world.

- Cheers to the freaking weekend. I needed it.

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

I spotted this picture on my Tumblr earlier. It caught my eye as I read all of the sayings that made up the two entwined hands. Communication is key to every situation and relationship. We all need to talk things out so that our actions and words are not misconstrued. Our conversations are two fold: verbal and non-verbal. All of this factors into every conversation. Sometimes I can say more with a look in my eyes than any words I could come up with. I think that I sometimes get so caught up in my mind formulating my words, sentences, thoughts that my delivery isn't exactly where I want it to be. That is a character flaw that I have been addressing lately.

Conversations warm my heart. I love to talk to my people. The topic doesn't always have to be serious or thought provoking. Sometimes we just clown because we all could use an extra laugh or three. Life can be hard. Words don't have to be. We, as humans, tend to complicate them. Our conversations can save us, restore our spirits, or just make us smile. We live for interaction, validation, acknowledgement. Conversations give us all of this and more. I know that the right words at the right moment from that special someone can make all the difference. They can literally change a bad day into a good one. That's how important that words can be. After seeing the above picture, the below videos came to mind. Let's have a little musical conversation.







"...every time our eyes meet, be talking, talking, talking talking to me. Ain't no need for words to speak..."