Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Dear Diary (I) What If???

The "What if's" are a strange game I sometimes play in my head. I'm not a woman who suffers from insecurity normally. I am very comfortable with me and confident in me. but, we all have those fleeting moments when we think the worst of ourselves. The question that always comes to me doing these moments is "What if I'm not enough?" That statement is frightening to me. My self worth means everything to me. I do think very highly of myself. It's not about me being conceited, I'm just confident in myself. I thank my mother for that.

I know alot but I don't know everything. It's possibly woven into my DNA to take care of people, to mother situations. However, the converse side of this is the fact that I have an issue with letting others take care of me. I do not know how to relax enough to allow this. I will say that I am getting much better in this aspect. But, I think I let others expectations of me weigh too heavily on me. When I sit and think of all the things that I haven't done or haven't experienced, it becomes overwhelming. The crazy thing is I'm my own toughest critic. I know this. No one in my life can be harder on me than I will ever be. I know for the people in my life who love me I'm enough. Logically, I know this. They love me for me and in spite of my shortcomings. They made a conscious choice to love me. That is a great feeling. Sometimes I get myself so worked up over things in life that I have no control over.

There are days when I want to do nothing more than snuggle deeper into the comforter while closing the world out. I have so many questions about everything. I know that I will never know the answers to them all. I struggle with choices endlessly until I make them. I don't want to be hurt nor do I want to hurt anyone in this process. It literally breaks my heart when I feel as though I've caused someone I love pain. I've been on the receiving end of that and it wasn't a great feeling. I always remember that. I believe it makes me more conscious of that behavior.

So what about these fleeting moments of self doubt that I have? I know that its something that comes and goes. I don't dwell on them too much. I can't. I would never get anything else done. I just calm myself down with these few thoughts. I am the best me that I can be right now. I am working on getting to my greatest self. Everything I've done or not done has made me into the woman I am right now. I know that things in my life could've gone all the way left but I made the right decisions. I cannot change my past but my future lies only within me. I think that is a great thing. Sometimes we all have to just look in the mirror and say "I Love Me for me" and just believe in that thought.

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