I've been contemplating the idea of well everything. At 35 years old, I thought I would have so many more things figured out in my life. Love being the one I just knew I would have down. But, life has a way of throwing curve balls fast in your direction. The older I get, the more I realize that there is always something new to learn. When I write about love now, I always type it out like this "love?" The question mark is important. The question mark symbolizes all that I do not know or understand. I thought falling in love this last time was the beginning of the rest of my life. That has been bugging me for almost two years now. The fact that I was so incredibly wrong about love. I know what I know and that is a lot of things. But, I'm wise enough to admit that I have so much more knowledge to gain.
Being in love was an amazing experience. It was the sudden absence of that love which led to me spiraling. That love walking away without rhyme or reason messed me up emotionally. I used to say I love you all the time. Now, I hardly ever do. I’m afraid of love because I’ve been hurt. That is the reality of where I am right now. I do not want that heartbreak to steal another moment from me. It's been too long. I’m over being that version of me. What I've had to admit to myself is that it wasn't meant to be. The future I was planning with the man I love didn't belong to us. It wasn't part of God's plan. I am still very unclear about where I am headed or if marriage and children are even in my cards. There is a saying that "you're either a lesson or a blessing" and I think it applies here. Maybe me loving my ex was both. During, it felt like every blessing I could imagine. Afterwards, it serves as merely a lesson. One I have yet to truly figure out. I do not know what I was supposed to learn from loving someone that much and losing them. I am working my way through this and trying to get a better understanding of what love is. How does it look and how does it feel are important for my future development Right now, I am treating it as an abstract thought. So, it's still love? to me. And, I'm ok with that.