Saturday, June 01, 2013

Dear Diary (VI)

"They" say you should live life with no regrets. I have failed on epic levels with that this year. Living with no regrets used to be my mantra. But, all of that has changed. 2013 has ushered in some new practices that I don't necessarily care for. I did not sign up for the change but it's here anyway. Now, I have to adjust. I clearly feel like the universe is trying to tell me so many things. I am listening...noow. I am open to it. Because the regrets and the waht if's and the doubts are killing a sister. I do not like them living in my head and heart. It just isn't the way I live my life. I need something to shake and soon.

The above quote is from "Regrets" by my favorite rapper. And. it's my truth. I regret all the words I didn't say, all the risks I didn't take, the leaps I was too afraid to take. I am learning to live with the regrets. Learning to live with the reality that maybe certain things were not meant to be. It is clear that I have no clue what my future holds. I have come to accept certain truths. I cannot control the actions of others. I cannot make things be the way I want them to be. I  thought I was very secure in the woman I was. I was wrong. I've been shaken to the core this year. I've doubted myself so much, challenged everything I thought I knew about myself. I feel like a caterpillar going through the transformation to being a butterfly. I am changing but not necessarily by choice. By circumstance, I have to be different than I was last year. I regret a few things. I'll learn to live with them. They will make me better.

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