Saturday, October 11, 2014

I Am...

Anaïs Nin speaks to my soul. My friend Joey posted this earlier and even though I've seen it before, today it stuck with me. It describes my current situation perfectly. Months ago, I made this huge proclamation that I was done with love and dating and dealing. It was true...then. I'm starting to change my mind on a few of those. I've had to face some very hard truths lately. I had a conversation that was like taking a bullet to the face. It was one I needed to have. It was one I should have had a while ago. Did it hurt hearing those words come from the mouth of someone I love? Hell yes. But, it always does when it comes to him. Love isn't as complicated as we make it. I deserve someone who actively chooses me every day and tells me so every night. My love is that big, that special, that deep. I crave reciprocity and I know there is someone out there who will look at me like I hung the sun again. 

I am tired of being the sad, broken version of myself. I've looked into the mirror and seen her for far too long. I am over that reflection and this feeling. I am done with it. I refuse to be her anymore. Especially since she is not me. Let me toot my own horn for a moment. I am a great woman. No, I am a helluva woman. And, if anyone doesn't see that and voluntarily exits my life, then that is their loss. I can no longer focus on or trip on anything that's behind me. I refuse to believe that it is my destiny to not be loved completely or that I am going to always be alone. My God has already decided what is for me is for me. I still want to get married and still want to have kids. And, even though my family may not include the person I thought I was going to live happily ever after with, it will be mine. I've already proclaimed it. So, I am giving up on the old me and looking towards a new me. I smiled today and I felt it in my soul. It's been far too long since that has happened. I am back on my pursuit of happiness trail. There can be no other outcome for be but that. Because I said so!

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