Saturday, August 02, 2014

I Was Reborn, When I Was Broken

 This line from Maxwell's song "Lifetime" has been stuck in my head all week. I know it's because it seems essential to my life. For the last 18 months, I have been living in a state of brokenness. And, for a long time, I let my broken heart define who and what I was. I was sad and angry and confused. I shrunk away from the world because I didn't want anyone to really know what was going on with me. I have a problem with accepting help from others. I am not good at asking for it or even admitting that I need it. There is no other way to describe how terrible it is to getting your heart broken. It's the worst thing ever. When you are in it, you feel like you won't ever feel whole again. It feels like you're drowning in the emotions. I don't remember the sun shining or laughing or feeling happy for at least a year. 

And, then, one day, I woke up and I felt better, lighter. I wasn't whole again or healed. But, it felt like I was on the road there. So, this is why that particular Maxwell line resonates with me. I feel like I've been reborn through the fire that was my broken heart. Now, I wouldn't wish my last 18 months on my worst enemy. There were days when I felt like living with a broken heart wasn't living at all. For far too long, I was only existing. I didn't know how to pick myself up from my pain. How I made it through, I'm really not sure. But, I was reborn in a way. I am a different woman today that I was on January 27, 2013. I lost a special part of me and I am certain that I won't ever get it back. I've grown in ways I wasn't sure I could. There are things about myself that I do not understand. Things I won't ever comprehend. But, for better or worse, I am me. And, that makes it all worth it in the end. 

1 comment:

  1. I get you.
    It's not a beginning, nor is it an end - but birth seems like progress.
    Tell you what I have come to find - beauty requires alternative thinking. A smile is deeper when the observer understands its presence.

    Best line in a song by far.