Wednesday, June 25, 2014
My life is in transition. Transitioning into what? I'm not entirely sure. There was a time when I knew what I wanted and who I wanted to become. But, things have changed drastically. There are moments when I actually have no clue as to what's going on. There are days when I don't feel pretty or smart or together or focused. And, these are things I cannot lean on others for. Yes, accolades and compliments are great. But, if I don't believe them then they don't mean as much. My life has been spiraling for some time now. I have no destination and that scares the hell out of me. My reaction to a certain situation has caused me to cut people out. I am not as open with my friends as I used to be. I'm not as available either. I know this isn't the right course of action but it's the only way I know to protect all I hold dear. If I don't let anyone in, then no one can hurt me. This makes me a little colder I know. But, it's a practice that I've adapted.
I can no longer hold onto the woman I was because, sadly, she no longer exists. But, I am apprehensive about the woman I am becoming because I do not know her yet. What my future holds? I really do not know. I want a few things that I have no clue how to achieve them but I will. I really thought I wanted to write but I've changed my mind about that. I've spent too much time feeling adrift in the last year and a half. I honestly don't have the luxury of time on my side. I will be 35 soon. It's the age I just knew I would have it all together. You know the marriage, the kids, the house and the career. I am so far removed from that ideal. I almost feel like this is my mid life crisis. I used to have the answers and I swear I do not anymore. I know that I'm not supposed to have it all figured out but I'd feel more secure if I knew more. Or if the answers were simpler. Transitioning is a must in life. It's just my season. A season of uncertainty and restructuring. Fingers crossed and prayers sent up that I end up exactly where I am supposed to be: in the middle of my own future. A future I can be proud of and exist happily in. I couldn't ask for anything more.