I was planning on breaking for a while. I had my hiatus blog all wrote up and scheduled. Then , I saw Luvvie's post on FB and Twitter this morning. And, just like that, I got pulled back in. I haven't consistently blogged this year. I think there have only been 2 months that I blogged daily. I'm disappointed with myself about that. Especially because I did such a great job of it last year. No worries, I am committed to this blogging challenge. There are rules. I have to post every day. I can determine the topic and length. And, if I post a link, I have to use the #31WriteNow hashtag. Simple. I do not want to blog about anything that I've already said this year, especially about one major subject. This will help. So, here I go again. Ironically, I did a similar challenge last August. I loved it. Fingers crossed for the same outcome!!! now, let me get to it #31WriteNow!!
There is absolutley no reason for this post other than the fact that this gif is my spirit animal. Especailly when she does the stripper kicks. That's my favorite move ever. And, since I have decided that the rest of this year will be a positive one, dancing plays a big part. Also, included one of my favorite unofficial remixes as well. Now, watch the girl dance as Beyonce' and T.I. flow for us.
This quote couldn't be any truer. I'm certainly no longer the innocent, naive girl next door type. I used to be her. I loved her. She wasn't built for this insane world. I've seen too much, lived too much to be her. Innocence was lost long ago. Naivety got knocked down as well. I couldn't live life like that anymore. I wanted to experience things. And, I did. Some good, real good. Some down right terrible. But, I did it & I survived it. It's been said that "writers become better once they've been hurt." The older I get, the more I realize how true it is. My best work comes from a place of pain. It's therapeutic. The girl next door doesn't exist in that world. It's because she isn't supposed to. I'm the woman who that girl grew to be. Happy or sad, I'm always me. And, I know that I'm enough. If anyone doesn't see or know that, it's their loss. A great one at that. This quote really stayed with me. Thought I'd pass this wisdom on.
It's been three years. Three long years since I embarked on this blogging adventure. A lot has changed in that time. I've felt a lot of emotions. Many of them have prevented me from writing the way I wanted to. I set out to find my writing voice and I have. I know exactly what I want to portray here. I just want to write my truth. That's what my blog allows me to do. When things are great and happy, I blog. When things aren's so great and less than happy, I blog. It's a form of therapy for me. I need to write. It helps me. And, hopefully, it helps someon reading this blog. Three years of pouring my heart out here and I couldn't be more prouder of myself. My life may not be exactly what I thought it would be right now but my blog is. This is my writing baby. It puts a smile on my heart everytime I read my work. I am thankful for this space, especailly this year. Thank you for reading my work.
I have a problem. It's serious. When I'm going through conflict with another person, I always wonder what I did wrong. Even when the other person is dead wrong, I will find a way to blame myself. My reasoning is it must have been something about me or something I did to cause their action. I didn't do enough. I wasn't enough. Let me tell you how stressful it is shouldering the responsibility of the world on your shoulders. I've been this way since I was a kid. If someone did me wrong or hurt my feelings, I internalize it in a way that isn't healthy. I obsess over what could have possibly gone wrong more than I should. And, especially more than the other party. Why do I do that to myself? I have no clue. I have oldest old syndrome. I hate losing people. I've learned recently that my fear of abandonment issues lie at my father's feet. That truly explains why I hold on so tight to people, even when they are no good for me. I believe that if you love someone you should stay. That isn't the way life happens.
Realistically, I know it's not always my fault. I didn't make person A lie to me. Nor did I make person B hurt me. People are who they are. Me blaming myself for things I cannot control won't help or solve the issue. I'm very good at looking inside of me. I know who I am. I know that, for some, I'm too much and others, not enough. For the people who stay in my life, I know they see me accurately. Even the parts of me I desperately want to hide. They accept me for exactly who I am. That's unconditional love. Sometimes that's all you need. The people who love you stay because of that. They won't ask you to bend or break for them. They won't ask you to change in a way you're uncomfortable with. I'm not perfect. But, I am working on me for me. Self realization is a big thing for me. I am always defining myself for myself. No other opinion of me matters more than my own. I need to be able to be proud of the woman I see in the mirror. She's the most important person in my life now. I have to make myself proud first.
I'm in a mood. A bad one. So, as per the usual, music is needed. Here are a few songs that have been played tonight. Get into them and the lyrics.
"Just because I love you
Doesn't mean I don't get mad It just means I won't stay mad for long Just because I love you Doesn't mean I don't have bad days Sometimes I wanna be alone Just because I love you Doesn't mean I don't want that I am a human being with feelings Oh, let me get this straight You got an attitude 'cause I don't wanna do things your way I can't believe this, I don't need this I'm a find somebody else who'll let me And I'm pretty when I don't look my best And I don't feel like I gotta have an S on my chest Have an S on my chest Yes yes, on my chest I can't be supa all the time
Sup so so supa Sup so so supa
Sup so so, sup so so, sup so so supa..."
"I was looking for a cure to pull me through Try to decide which medicine to use And every bottle has your name on the label Doctor said you keep me stable So now, I’m taking three a day to help me smile They said I should wait and try it for a while So I’ve been ignoring my symptoms And the small print on the back of my prescription
What I’m gonna do is Fever over 98, you hold me and my body shakes See nobody told me, nobody told me The side effects of you Losing balance, falling down Sleepless nights whenever you’re around Nobody told me, nobody told me The side effects of you The side effects of you
I double checked the recommended dose Cause recently my headaches getting worse Sometimes every part of me is shaking Is this the right pill that I’m taking."
"But when my tears dropped, where the hell were you? It's okay, boy I've changed and I ain't been here waiting
So I won't pretend to feel bad for you 'Cause since you left I ain't cried since And boy I like it that way
I can say I'm done in a million ways But let's not beat around the bush Let's cut to the chase You changed, I changed but it's too late, Now I'm so through, too cool, oh yeah And if our love was a game, you just lost You changed, I changed but it's too late
I know you hate to see this look on my face I'm sure that you can see real clear a little lying goes a long way And if you think I'd waste more tears, boy you're crazy And maybe you should get yourself a minute, don't delay But you let the ball drop, too bad for you
But it's okay, boy I'm straight, my whole life's amazing"
"You steady telling lies I stayed and pacified While I kept denying the truth You always here and there Finally I don't care I'm going to keep it real with you
[Chorus] Ain't no feeling like being free When your mind's made up And your hearts in the right place, yeah Ain't no feeling like being free When you've done all you could But what's misunderstood (It's all good, it's all good) Ain't no feeling like being free I'm like an eagle set free And finally I'm looking out for me Ain't no feeling like being free Cause my mind's made up And my heart is in the right place, yeah Hold 'em up, wait a second I got to get something off my chest My happiness was our happiness, I lived and (breathed) You and all your needs Let me speak, it's best I do what's best for me Now ladies, (ladies) I got my mind back I been there and done that (no looking back no) Oh, this time is for me If you been doing you I'm going to do me I'm free"
I feel like I've been listening to Stacy Barthe for years now. Her voice and lyrics make me happy. I haven't heard a song by her that I haven't loved. This one was featured last night on a show I was watching. I decided that it was a perfect LLL feature piece. I love this track. I'm sure you will as well. If you haven't heard of Stacy, check her out.
"Sometimes we're insecure We're fragile sometimes We laugh at each other To make ourselves feel better
Sometimes we laugh Sometimes we say things That we really don't mean But in the moment Seems like the thing to do
[Chorus] We're all flawed beautiful people We're all flawed beautiful creatures We're all flawed beautiful people We're all flawed beautiful creatures
Is it a crime if a man kills To protect his own from harm's way Who are we to judge anyway What have you have done If the gun was in your hands
Your feet were in his shoes Guess you'll never know what you'll do 'Cause in the moment Might seem like the thing to do
[Chorus] We're all flawed beautiful people We're all flawed beautiful creatures We're all flawed beautiful people We're all flawed beautiful creatures
Sometimes we gotta lose it to find it We gotta lose sometimes We win, we live then we gotta die."
° I HATE that I'm still sad. HATE that my heart was broken by the person I trusted the most. HATE that the entire situation makes me question my own judgment (I mean, how could I be so wrong?). HATE that I carry these feelings, this burden around with me. But, most of all, I don't hate the person who did this to me, who caused me to doubt so much, especially the existence of love. And, this is why I feel stupid. I'm not accustomed to that feeling. It's foreign and uncomfortable.
° The Trayvon Martin rallies I've attended the last two weekends have given me something to set my mind on. The verdict was wrong. I will do what I can to effect change. It's needed. From the "Stand Your Ground" law to gun control laws, they all need to be reevaluated.
° I had a dream about my future daughter. That's significant because I haven't dreamed about kids this year. It made me smile. Even if it was just a dream, for that moment little Ms. YK_ existed.
° My sister and my cousin are both pregnant. Both were surprise announcements. Babies make me happy. Happiness is needed in my life.
° I'm thinking about unplugging for a while. No Twitter or Tumblr or Blogger or Facebook. Just no contact for a moment. A break is needed. I'm really thinking about that. It's all too easily accessible.
° I really hate hearing songs that bring me back to a specific moment. I heard "At This Time" by Algebra followed by MJ's "Heaven Can Wait" and literally broke down crying. I forgot I still had that playlist. I deleted it swiftly. ¡No más!
° I did something huge the other day. I deleted my online journal. Every single post. I was up to 200 posts for the year. I just didn't see where it was helping instead of harming. I need to focus on what's in front of me and stop questioning what's behind me. The journal is no more. And I'm ok with that.
° It's Sunday & it's rainy. So, I'm going to watch episodes of "The Newsroom" while eating kettle corn popcorn & sea salt caramel Gelato. I'll enjoy every moment of it
I've spent the last two weekends at #JusticeForTrayvon rallies. The first was not as well attended as the second. The second one, which was today, was a huge success. So many people came out to support. I was excited to see that people really do care. We are upset. We are outraged. We will be moved to action. Trayvon's life will not be lost in vain. From the home made signs and t-shirts to the hundreds of people in hoodies. everyone was there for the same cause. It was peaceful and well orchestrated. The former mayor, Marc Morial, spoke. I was always a fan of him and his politics. I'm still angry about the verdict. I'm still so sad for Sybrina and Tracy. The judicial system failed their son, failed them. And, we were all witness to it. We need a huge change to come. The "Stand Your Ground" laws need to be either abolished or severely revised. I truly hope all this movement pushes the Department of Justice to do the right thing and charge Trayvon's killer with a civil rights case. I feel like I have to show up to these rallies because I care. I hope you all did the same. No Justice, No Peace.
This weekend was an emotional one with the verdict coming down. So, I had to find a way to get out of my feelings. I did that in two ways: a peaceful rally and movies. The first documentary I watched was "Love, Marilyn." I can honestly say that I did not know much about her. And, my opinion of her was very low because of the whole sleeping with the married John F. Kennedy and his brother, Robert Kennedy. Someone mentioned it on Twitter. I learned so much about this woman. I am glad that I did. I learned so much about this woman. She wasn't who she portrayed herself to be. She wasn't the dumb blonde I thought she was. It was very interesting that they touched on all of her love affairs except the Kennedy ones. I do believe that she didn't just die. I think she was killed. Anywho, if you're a Marilyn fan or not, this was a very informative documentary. I truly enjoyed it.
Next, I was dragged to go see the new Superman film, "Man of Steel." I wasn't that hyped to see it because I haven't been a Superman fan since the days of Christopher Reeves/Dean Cain. But, I went anyway. It was a pretty good movie. I think it was too long though. Especially the fight scene. That could have definitely been cut down. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. I don't give away spoilers but I really loved the ending. Also, I've just read that there is already a Superman 2 in the works. And, that Batman will be a part of it as well. That sounds super interesting. I would probably go see that film. If you're a fan, you'll dig this one.
I have been hearing about the HBO show "The Newsroom" for a while now. I just never took the time to get into it. That was the case until last weekend. I started watching season 1 via On Demand. I went into it with an open mind. By the middle of the first episode, I was hooked. The show is based on a CNN anchor type called Will McAvoy. He is the best and worst character ever. I love and hate him just about the same. I love the fact that the show is about actual journalism. It's a behind the scenes look at what goes on in a newsroom. The cast is great as well as the writing on this show. I love Maggie and M and Sloan and Charlie. I finished the whole first season in a week's time. The second season just started last Sunday. The first episode of the second season was amazing. It was unexpected but still great. I do not know where this season will go but I am all the way here for it. If you love CNN and MSNBC shows, you will love this show. You should just def get into it. It's worth it!!
My heart refuses to listen to my head My heart wants the same thing it has for years It wants you Your voice, your laughter, your smile It craves even the way you used to say my name My heart is stupid and foolish because it desires who hurt it longs for the person who broke it My heart does not make sense My head knows better It speaks reality to my unwavering heart It recalls the words that hurt that broke us that you said My head remembers everything and forgets nothing when it comes to loving you My head relives those last moments often And it kills me My head and my heart don't or can't see eye to eye loving you was a gift losing you felt like a death That's the only thing that they can agree on. ******************************************** "All I Am" Being friends with someone you’re still in love with is a farce. It’s not possible. I don’t want to be just your friend. Not when I know the way my name sounds coming from your mouth dripping in love. I could never accept to hear my name said any other way. I never wanted half of you And that’s what being your friend means It means suppressing the love I feel every time I hear your voice I couldn’t fake it anymore I had to love me more Had to walk away from the deepest love I’ve ever know And now everything I write is about you or for you In some way or another It’s the saddest thing Loving you from here Alone I couldn’t deal So I had to do what you couldn’t Leave when love wasn’t on the table You offered friendship as a consolation prize And, I couldn’t accept those terms and conditions I’m an all or nothing type of girl You used to know that. So now we’re nothing No one And love is what we used to have All I am is sad.
Some days, I just need to be recentered and refocused. Lately those days have been outweighing the rest. There are two song that helps me get there. I've been playing them a lot. They are both inspirational and uplifting. They tap into a part of me that desperately needs it. Inspiration can come in many forms. This time, it came in music form. My spirituality means the world to me. Without it, I am nothing. I just wanted to share these two tracks with those that may not have heard them before. Enjoy.
"Take me to the King I don't have much to bring My heart is torn in pieces It's my offering Take me to the King
Truth is I'm tired Options are few I'm trying to pray But where are you? I'm all churched out Hurt and abused I can't fake What's left to do?
Truth is I'm weak No strength to fight No tears to cry Even if I tried But still my soul Refuses to die One touch will change my life
Take me to the King I don't have much to bring My heart's torn in pieces It's my offering
Lay me at the throne Leave me there alone To gaze upon Your glory And sing to You this song Please Take Me To The King
Truth is it's time To stop playing these games We need a word For the people's pain
So Lord speak right now Let it fall like rain We're desperate We're chasing after you"
"I know you’re praying for a change
To see a sunny day Nothing good has come your way for so long You need someone to understand this place your heart is in You just want to dream again and believe
Your skies may look dim and grey But know your breakthrough’s not far away So hold on You are too close to give up now You have so much to live for Remember what you prayed for Hold on, please don’t let go in this season Know that flowers bloom when rain falls You just hold on You ask when will this go away Know that God can feel your pain Believe He’ll never fall short of His word Sometimes we forget that He holds us His hands
Natural Hair Rant: DO NOT TOUCH MY HAIR. DO NOT ASK TO TOUCH MY HAIR. NATURAL OR RELAXED, I REALLY DO NOT CARE.
I do not care what any other woman does with her hair. Simply because it is NOT my hair. What I do what my hair only affects me. After over 20 years of having my hair relaxed, I decided to make a drastic change. I didn’t remember what my natural hair felt like, looked like. I thought about it a lot before doing it. I thought about my future a lot. I didn’t want to pass that legacy onto any future daughter I could possibly have. I wanted to get to know my hair intimatley. It’s also kinda funny but my three younger sisters are all natual as well. Of the 3, only one wears her hair curly/kinky/coily from time to time. The other two are prone to flatirons. There isn’t one way to be natural. It’s just a way of life for us. There are many natural hair women in my family. It’s been almost 2 years for me. This natural journey isn’t a fad for me. I LOVE my hair now more than ever. I live for a braid out or twist out. But, I have no issue with rocking a bun or a flatiron. It’s just hair. And, if I ever want to get another relaxer, I just may do so. It’s just hair. I do what I want with it. I don’t look down on relaxed hair women just like I don’t look up to natural hair women. That’s all. These are just my thoughts.
Justice was NOT served tonight. George Zimmerman was found NOT GUILTY of murdering Trayvon Benjamin Martin. Excuse my French, but how in the holy fuck did this happen??!!??! If George Zimmerman is not guilty of killing an unarmed kid, then please tell me who killed Trayvon? Who? Who will be held accountable for his murder? Let's be clear, I am pissed. The same way I have been since I started writing about this case on March 15, 2012. This case struck a chord for me for so many reasons. None more than the fact that I have 4 nephews under the age of 10. This case and verdict scares me. I am afraid for them. This case was about so many things: racism, profiling, clothing, and privilege. Zimmerman killed a kid and then went home. If not for the public outrage, this case would've went away. Zimmerman was arrogant as was his brother, mother and father (who wrote a book that blamed "Blacks" for his son being on trial no less). The trial started and I was disgusted by the defense team. I was prepared for this verdict.
Do you see the smile on this murderer's face? Do you see the utter glee on his face? This is the body of a soulless, Godless murderer. Yes, he was found not guilty criminally. But, morally, this is the face of a cold blooded killer. He took the life of a 17 year old kid. He said that he does not regret taking Martin's life. He is guilty of that. No verdict could change that fact. He has to live with that. The all woman jury let a murderer walk. They did not do their job. This is sickening. I feel so deeply for the Martin family. Their son did not get the justice he was due tonight. I hope that they sue the Zimmerman family for all everything they have. No amount of money will bring Trayvon back. But, no murderer should be able to profit from his crime and Martin's death.
Moments like this really put things into perspective for you. I've been stressed over my heart and my emotional health and Sybrina and Tracy lost their child and didn't get justice. I feel incredibly shallow at this moment. Good job, Florida. The defense team put Martin on trial and convicted the victim. It is a gross misjudgement by West and O'Mara. The kind of karma that will come from this will have to be huge. If you are the parents/aunts/uncles/friends/Godparents of little Black children, hold them tight. America doesn't value Black people. Black President or not, this is not a post-racial land. This was proven tonight. I'm just really sad. This makes me so sad for us as a people. We have so far to go. Jesus, help us. Rest in peace, Trayvon. We all know who killed you and why. I hope that Zimmerman never has another moment of peace. Killers do not deserve it. This night calls for dark liquor. I just can't. There is a petition by the NAACP to urge the Department of Justice to open a civil rights case against Trayvon's killer. If you agree, sign it. We can still fight the fight to the finish. For Trayvon. For Sean Bell. For Oscar Grant. For Jordan Davis. For the nameless, faceless ones who die each year to gun violence all over the world. For truth, For peace. Do something.
