Showing posts with label Kenda Calandra. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kenda Calandra. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

My Poetry Corner XV: "Past Tense"


I used to miss you so much that it hurt to breathe
But, I’m breathing more freely these days
I never thought a day would come when I  
wouldn’t be hopelessly and crazy in love with you
but you cured me of that
So when the day comes that me loving you is past tense
you’ll have no one to blame but yourself
and that is the saddest part of it all.



Friday, August 01, 2014

I Made It!



Hola, August!! In June, I made a pledge to blog every day in July. I did really good with that. I blogged every day of July except one. I am so proud of myself. I haven't been the best at keeping up with my blog for the last year and a half. I allowed my emotions to take me away from my passion. I will not make that mistake ever again. Writing is my thing. I gotta remember that no matter what happens, writing is the thing that helps me through it all. I am glad that I did it. I am just hoping that August will be a productive blogging month for me. I will not be making any proclamations though lol. I just pledge to be a better writer tomorrow than I am today. That I will write and post as often as I can. Thank you guys for reading and sharing my world with me. Hope that your August is amazing as well. One Love!!



Thursday, July 31, 2014

One Night at a Bar (Part II)

About a year and a half ago, I wrote "One Night at a Bar." The characters came to me during a sleepless night in the N.O. There was something about Max and Kalila that just stood out to me. I wanted to explore their story more but writer's block prevailed. But, I've got my mojo back so without further ado, here's part II. Enjoy!


It has been a full month since that night at the Ice Bar. 31 days that Max's card had been burning a hole in Kalila's snakeskin MK wallet. She had dreamed of his intense brown eyes and very handsome face more than once. But, she wasn't one to start something new without ending something old. She was finally free from the ridiculousness of her relationship with Zachary. It took much longer to end the relationship then she hoped. Zachary had proved to be stubborn and persistent. But, she was over not being appreciated and being taken for granted. The breakup did not take as much out of her as she thought. She realized she didn't love Zach. He was Mr' Right...on paper. He was successful in his own right, mature, intelligent and funny. But, there was something missing. She had known that for a while. She was trying to force it with him. Mainly because she had a mother who thought she was too old to not be married. She liked Zach and enjoyed his company but he was merely a placeholder for the right one. He took it harder than she expected. She was sorry about that. But, the reality is, he caused the breakup by his behavior. She was not the type of woman that was used to playing the backburner in a relationship. That got old quick. The relationship lasted less than a year. Now, she was single and had one thing on her mind: getting to know Max better. Because in one conversation, she felt more at ease with him. It was time to do something about these feelings. 


"I should just stop by the bar," she thought. "But, I need to call and make sure Max is there." Kalila picks up her cell and makes the call. The phone rings and a bubbly woman answers "Hello. This is the Ice Bar. How can I help you?" "Hi, I'd like to speak to the owner, Max, please?" Kalila says. "I'll transfer you. Please hold." Kalila holds her breath while waiting. "I'm sorry but Max is dealing with deliveries at the moment. Can I take a message?" "No message. Thanks," she replied. She ends the call while crossing the room to her walk-in closet. "I need a 'WOW' outfit for this," she says. She sifts through hanger after hanger mentally rejecting all of it. "This is crazy. A closet full of clothes I love and I cannot find one thing to wear?!" Her hand stops on the dress. It's a cobalt blue peplum Carolina Herrera dress she purchased on a whim months ago. It has never been worn. "This is it!" she yells. From there, everything just fell in place. Leopard print Louboutin's, gold bangles and simple diamond studs would complete the look. Opening her lingerie drawer, she already knew what she had to wear. It was her Agent Provocateur Zsa-Zsa bra set. It was her fave. It made her girls just right. She slipped it on as well as her shoes. She walks into the bathroom to do her makeup. "Light and natural is the way to go tonight," she thinks. Kalila finishes her face with MAC Up The Amp lipstick.  Checking the time, she runs to slip her dress on. She grabs her leopard MK clutch and checks her appearance in the mirror in her living room on her way out the door. 



The Ice Bar was half full which was normal on a Thursday night. Standing in front of the upstairs office window was Max. He was dressed in a pair of charcoal grey slacks and black polo shirt. The brother was clean all the way down to his black Cole Haan Lenox Hill Split Oxfords. He didn't know how many nights he had spent in this exact spot hoping that she would walk back in. She was Kalila, a customer he couldn't forget. He had been kicking himself for weeks for not getting her number that night. His brother Bryce was also giving him the blues about his major slip up. He just knew she would call. But, she never did. It had been one long month for Max. "I've got to stop waiting for her to show up," he thinks. His DJ was playing his favorite John Legend song "Again" so he decided to go downstairs. As he got to the last step, it was like time stopped. Coming through the doors of his bar was Kalila. He was shocked and excited. He saw her before she spotted him. He watched this brown skinned goddess practically glide to the bar. "Damn! She looks better than I remember. She is wearing the hell out of that dress," Max thought while watching her. His eyes roamed from the top of her head all the way down to her shoes. Kalila was a curvy woman, just the way Max liked women. "Alright, calm down," he says to himself. 


Max walked quickly to the bar. He didn't want Kalila to have a chance to leave. He needed to see her face, hear her voice. Before he knew it, he was two steps behind her. Kalila was ordering her drink. "Hi, can I get a glass of Pinot Grigio. Thank you," she told Maia the bartender. "Paige, Kalila's drink is on the house," Max said. Kalila felt herself get warm all over. "He's here," she screamed internally. Composing herself, she turned to see the face that was haunting her in her dreams lately. With a bright smile, she says "Well, hello Max. How are you?" His smile is as big as hers. He replied "I am so much better now that you are here, Kalila." There was no pretense here. Both of them were feeling the exact same emotion: pure happiness. She thinks "He looks great. I forgot how fine he was." "You know I thought I imagined you. I mean, I had no prove since the pretty lady never called me," he states. She blushes and drops her head. Her right hand sweeps her hair behind her ear. This was a habit that she didn't realize she did. "Max, I am sorry it took me so long to contact you. I wanted to before tonight but life got a little messy." she says. "Here's your wine and your scotch, Max" Paige says. Kalila turns to grab her glass and hand Max his. Their fingers touch and it's magnetic. They both feel it. Both look up at the same moment. Staring deep into each others eyes, they smile. Max wanted her undivided attention. "I'd really love to have a conversation with you where I didn't have to shout. Would you please come upstairs to my office?" he asks as he extends his left hand. Kalila, throwing caution to the wind, takes his hand. 


He leads her to the stairs and then lets her go up first. Kalila thinks "He could be a perfect gentlemen or he could he watching my ass." Either way, she makes sure there is an extra wiggle in her walk. Max is trying not to watch her butt ascend up the wood stairs but its hard not to. "She has to be doing this on purpose," he thinks and smiles. When they reach the top of the stairs, Max passes in front of her to show her where to go. He slightly brushes against front of her. He hears her as she quietly gasps. He takes her hand to lead her down the to the office. He pushes the door open for her to enter first. "This is it. Please come in." "Thank you." She thinks "This is def a masculine office." The office was decorated in shades of brown, burgundy and gold accents. The floor and desk are both made of a Brazilian cherry wood. It was gorgeous. There are two brown leather chairs in front of the desk and also a sofa against one wall. In front of the desk was a window that took up the whole wall. It overlooked the bar. Kalila was impressed. "This is a gorgeous office, Max." "Thanks. I cannot lie, I only picked colors. My sister-in-law did all of this." "She is great at it." "Have a seat." She sits on the sofa and he sits next to her. "I want to explain the big delay to you. You know the night we met I was waiting for my boyfriend. He is now my ex but that took some doing." "I understand and it's cool. I'm just glad you're here with me at this exact moment, Kalila." She blushes and smiles. "You can call me Lila. I come from a family full of K named kids," she says while laughing. "Ok, Lila. I love nicknames. I kinda had to with a name like Maximus. I've always been Max." "I think Maximus is a very regal name." He smiles "thank you."


The conversation flows so easily between Max and Kalila. It's like they were miles away from the dark bar downstairs. There is laughter and drinking. But, there is also a genuine connection here. He is 37, unmarried and no kids. She is 35, unmarried with no kids. They both loved art and appreciated the work of Frida Kahlo. They loved music. He was a jazz and hip hop guy. She was an R&B and alternative girl. They were both the babies of their families. He had an older brother and sister. She has a older brother and 2 (twin) sisters. He's a southern guy, she a west coast bay baby. Both ended up in Atlanta purely by circumstance but both loved their adopted home. Before they knew it, they had talked for hours. Max glanced at the clock and realized the time. He reaches for her hand and looks deep into her eyes and says"Oh wow, it's 4:30 and I have keep you way too long, Lila. But, spending this time with you has been worth it."  "The feeling is mutual," Kalila replies. She takes out her business card and writes her cell number on the back. She hands the card to Max. "Now, you have my number so you can call me." He grins and looks down at the card. "I def will use it. Would you please do me the honor of going to dinner with me tomorrow night, Lila?" She looks into his handsome brown face and answers "Yes" without hesitation. 



Monday, July 28, 2014

Like A Hurricane

 

Everything about the above poem speaks to me on a deeper level. It describes me and my nightly routine. The line that hurts the most is "Her mind is like a hurricane." That is truly me in a sentence. I have written extensively about the fact that I think a lot. I worry a lot. I over think everything. I cannot count the number of nights I've watched the clock and wondered "what if?" There have been too many sleepless nights spent in my head. I call it a character flaw. Today, a friend called it a character difference because flaw has a negative connotation to it. It's a part of me. It's My mind is like a hurricane, always moving quickly from one thought to the next. I can build up and tear down a scenario time and time again in my head. I always wonder what I could've done differently. It takes so much for me to turn off my thoughts. A hurricane is a perfect description of what occurs inside of my head. I've never heard it described as such but the person who said this to me was right. He's also one of the few people who know me the best. This poem makes me not want my head to be a hurricane anymore. I'd like it to be peaceful and calm and beautiful. That would be my idea of euphoria. Hurricanes have never been a great thing in my life. They come in fast and leave destruction in their wake. I am not that woman. I am more than my thoughts and my ever wondering, worrying mind. I'm just Kenda.

 
 

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Short Story (Recap): "One Night At A Bar"

I posted this story about 19 months ago (12.28.12) And, I have been tasked to do a part two. This is my way of making sure I do so. Get reacquainted with these characters. Part II coming soon. 


She waited patiently at the dimly lit bar. Nervously touching her diamond pendant necklace. It was a habit. She was on edge. Anxious. The bartender walked over to her. "Hi there. What can I get you, pretty lady?" he asked while smiling. She smiled backed weakly. "A glass of Pinot Noir, please." she replied. "You look like you could use something stronger. How about a shot on the house to go with your Pinot." She smoothed out the napkin while shaking her head. "I'm Max. Let's take a shot" he said. "Hi Max. I'm Kalila." She picks up the shot glass and throws it back. Max does the same. "You look nervous. Are you waiting on someone?" Max asked. Kalila responds "Yes, I'm waiting on my boyfriend. He's late as usual." as she looks at her watch.

She finished her glass of wine way too quickly. She didn't care. She was fighting off tears. Max refilled her wine without asking her. "You look like you needed another one, Kalila." She replied "I did. Thank you." "You don't look very happy waiting on this man. What's wrong?" Those two words. That question had been following her for weeks now. The tears came as she lowered her head. "Hey, please don't cry. I'm sorry for prying." he said. She dabbed at the tears on her face. "It's not your fault, Max. This is just the end of something I wanted more than anything. You are about to witness a breakup." Kalila said. Max looked into the sad,sad eyes of Kalila and felt her pain. "You don't want it to be over though." "No, but it has to be. He doesn't even see me anymore. I deserve to be seen." Kalila said to Max. "I don't know why I'm spilling my guts to a stranger. But, you don't know me so I don't really care." "Well, if he is taking you for granted, then maybe you should leave."

Kalila drinks her wine slowly and keeps hawking the door. She can't look Max in the eyes. She knew he was right. Every fiber in her being knew this already. The relationship had run its course. She was just sad and afraid. Sad because she was losing her best friend, her love. Afraid because she did not know what life would be without Zachary. She loved him fiercely. But, it wasn't enough. Not at all. Max asked "Would you like another glass?" She shakes her head no. "Water would probably be better. I need to be clear to do this." Max understands. Kalila drops her head. Max takes this as a sign that she needs a minute. He walks away to serve other patrons at the bar. She was on edge. Zack is super late. She checks her cell for the 100th time. No missed calls or texts. Another sign that she is an afterthought to her own man. She gets angry all over again. "This is crazy," she thinks. An hour has passed, still no Zach. She calls him but gets no answer. She wants to leave but cannot.

Her phone vibrates finally. She looks down to see if it is a call or a text. A text from Zachary. She sighs. Her heart knows that it will be bullshit. It's all that it ever is. Zachary's text read: "Sorry, Baby. I'm not going to make it to the bar. Work calls." Kalila is ridiculously annoyed. And highly pissed off. "He does not care. Why would he do this? What? I wasn't worth a damn phone call." she wonders aloud. Max notices her demeanor. He is tempted to talk to her again. But, he doesn't want to intrude. She sits with her shoulders slumped over. She looks like a woman defeated by life. A beautiful woman but defeated none the less. Max wanted her. But, her heart belonged to another. He wanted to know more about the woman with the deep brown eyes. But, he knew better. He was a great judge of character. He knew now was not the time.

Kalila is thinking and shaking her head. "This is what their relationship had come to. Her always waiting on him. Waiting on him to pick up the phone. Waiting on him to come over. Waiting on him to let her in. He'd been different lately." She didn't want to admit that. It was as if he didn't love her anymore. And, that hurt like hell. His actions screamed that he didn't care anymore. But neither of them had the courage to end it. He was supposed to be her happily ever after. She finishes her drink and calls for Max. He walks over to her. "I'm done. How much?" she asked. Max smiles and says "No charge. You look like a woman who needs a break. It's on me." Kalila was taken aback. She smiles and thanks him profusely. She takes out a $20 bill to tip the nice man with the great voice and smile. "Here this is for you. Thanks for lending me your ear." He takes the tip graciously. "Thank you. Don't be a stranger. Come back to my bar sometime, Kalila." "Your bar?" "I own it. I'm just filling in for a sick bartender tonight." He hands her a card. "Do you promise to come back?" Kalila smiles "Yes, I do. Thank you Max. Good night."

Kalila walks out of the bar with a smile on her face. She knew that her future was unsure. She knew that her relationship with Zachary was over. She looked down at the card. It was nice, very professional. She flipped it over to see that Max had written his cell number on the back. She was surprised. She put the card into her wallet as she walked to her car. She did not know what was ahead of her. But, she was smiling regardless. To Be Continued...Maybe...

Sunday, July 20, 2014

My Poetry Corner XIV: Pieces I Cannot Finish



**2:36 a.m.**

In all honesty, you broke me to fix yourself
And where is the righteousness in that?

**************************************************************************

**Choosing...**

That’s what love is
Consciously choosing each other every day
One day when it was time to choose me
You decided not to
That was the beginning of my end
And that’s really the saddest goodbye to a once great love story


*************************************************************************

**Pieces**

There are parts of me that I can never share with another man
because I gave them to you
and you threw them away
discarded my pieces as if they were trash.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

These Are Just My Thoughts

"I've been thinking, I've been thinking..." - Beyonce'

I've started and stopped no less than 6 blog posts in the last week. I would start with an idea but get stuck. They are all issues that are important to me. So, this is just a peek inside my mind. Too many thoughts.

  • Sleep is glorious. I mean, truly restful sleep. I have had the intense pleasure of indulging in it so much this year. I am overly appreciative for it. I needed it. More than I could ever explain in mere words. 
  • I am severely annoyed and I am trying my best not to be. But, it is hard. Because all I really want to do is react. *counts to 10* I have to let people be exactly who they are. And, when they show me their ass, I have to learn to walk away instead of doing something else. It's simple but hard. Also, just because I have love for a person DOES NOT mean that I will just take whatever they give. Nope. Nah. Not. Sorry, I'm not that chick. I live and breathe reciprocity. Give me what I give you. Simple, right? It really is. 



  • I have tickets to go to a premiere of Kevin Hart and Michael Ealy's new movie "About Last Night" which comes out next month. It's tonight and I'm excited to see it. I know it will be funny because Kevin and Regina Hall are both in it and they are hilarious. Will be doing a review of it later this week too. 

  • I finished reading the entire Harry Potter series this week. It only took me 3 weeks to do it. I think that is incredible. Especially since I only read at night and on the weekends. Now, I am searching for something new to read. I need suggestions, por favor? 
  • This year has been worlds better than 2013 already. I do not know what I did to deserve such favor but I am appreciative of it. I know I needed it so I am not complaining. I'm just happy to feel more like myself again. I am growing and I know it. Thank God. 



Sunday, November 03, 2013

When Insomnia Strikes & Ambien Doesn't Help


Rejection. It's a word we all know. It's a word and a feeling I despise. It's also the reason for this post. I have been thoroughly conflicted about, well, life this year. I had the most prolific epiphany the other day. I've been a heartbroken beautiful mess this year. I did not know how to truly function. Or how to work my way through it. The heartbreak was horrific to me. But, there was another aspect I had not acknowledged until now. It was the rejection that made it sting. I had to sit down and write out the names of every boyfriend I ever had to figure it out. No boy/man had broken up with me since I was 14. I am 33 now. That is literally my entire dating life. I have always been the one who ended things and walked away. It has been my modus operandi, my defense mechanism. I did not want to give any guy the chance to truly hurt me so I left before they could or I caught feelings. No problem, right? Wrong.


That way of living set me up for a great fall. I wasn't prepared for the rejection. It hit me so hard and knocked me on my behind. I know that he may not see it that way but it read as the ultimate rejection. Being rejected by someone you love is awful. I cannot even fully explain it in words. It's just a feeling I don't ever want to feel again. Ever. I can take rejection in other areas in life. I'm strong enough to handle it. But, in love, I cannot. I get it. It's not something I'm used to nor should I be. It is just a part of life that I'd gladly give up. Papi, no mas! Do. Not. Want. It's kind of terrifying the things you learn about yourself in the middle of the night when insomnia strikes and Ambien doesn't help. 




Saturday, November 02, 2013

Let Me Tell You A Story in Just 6 Words (Part 2)


It's been a few months since I updated my 6 word story blog here. I've written so much more on my Tumblr page. My 6 word stories have a very obvious theme. Even when I try to deviate from what I label "love sh*t," I always end right back there. The heart only wants to write what it knows. I wanted to share my favorites so far. 
  • Not loving you isn't an option.
  • Nothing matters more than my feelings. 
  • Twice loved, Lost double. No mas.
  • Writing takes me away from it.
  • It's 3am and I'm missing you.
  • There's a story behind these eyes.
  • Spending my nights writing my wrongs.
  • I wonder about you too often.
  • I truly miss belonging to someone.
  • So many questions. Not enough answers. 
  • You cannot hate what you love.
  • Does everything remind you of me?
  • Happens at the most inopportune times. 
  • Give me all of my secrets back.
  • Restless sleep. Haunted dreams. God morning.
  • The moment you realize what's real.
  • Vulnerability isn't my favorite personality trait. 
  • All my stories are about you.
  • I cannot deal with the residuals.
  • Liking you. Loving you. Losing you.
  • I'm fronting, just so you know. 
  • Feelings are real but aren't facts.
  • Feelings get caught in my throat.
  • If I could forget to remember.
  • Can someone turn off my thoughts?
  • No one wins. We both lose. 



Monday, July 29, 2013

I'm Not Her Anymore





This quote couldn't be any truer. I'm certainly no longer the innocent, naive girl next door type. I used to be her. I loved her. She wasn't built for this insane world. I've seen too much, lived too much to be her. Innocence was lost long ago. Naivety got knocked down as well. I couldn't live life like that anymore. I wanted to experience things. And, I did. Some good, real good. Some down right terrible. But, I did it & I survived it. It's been said that "writers become better once they've been hurt." The older I get, the more I realize how true it is. My best work comes from a place of pain. It's therapeutic. The girl next door doesn't exist in that world. It's because she isn't supposed to. I'm the woman who that girl grew to be. Happy or sad, I'm always me. And, I know that I'm enough. If anyone doesn't see or know that, it's their loss. A great one at that. This quote really stayed with me. Thought I'd pass this wisdom on.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Today, My Blog Turns 3!!



It's been three years. Three long years since I embarked on this blogging adventure. A lot has changed in that time. I've felt a lot of emotions. Many of them have prevented me from writing the way I wanted to. I set out to find my writing voice and I have. I know exactly what I want to portray here. I just want to write my truth. That's what my blog allows me to do. When things are great and happy, I blog.  When things aren's so great and less than happy, I blog. It's a form of therapy for me. I need to write. It helps me. And, hopefully, it helps someon reading this blog. Three years of pouring my heart out here and I couldn't be more prouder of myself. My life may not be exactly what I thought it would be right now but my blog is. This is my writing baby. It puts a smile on my heart everytime I read my work. I am thankful for this space, especailly this year. Thank you for reading my work.



Saturday, July 27, 2013

Crucial Conflict



I have a problem. It's serious. When I'm going through conflict with another person, I always wonder what I did wrong. Even when the other person is dead wrong, I will find a way to blame myself. My reasoning is it must have been something about me or something I did to cause their action. I didn't do enough. I wasn't enough. Let me tell you how stressful it is shouldering the responsibility of the world on your shoulders. I've been this way since I was a kid. If someone did me wrong or hurt my feelings, I internalize it in a way that isn't healthy. I obsess over what could have possibly gone wrong more than I should. And, especially more than the other party. Why do I do that to myself? I have no clue. I have oldest old syndrome. I hate losing people. I've learned recently that my fear of abandonment issues lie at my father's feet. That truly explains why I hold on so tight to people, even when they are no good for me. I believe that if you love someone you should stay. That isn't the way life happens.




Realistically, I know it's not always my fault. I didn't make person A lie to me. Nor did I make person B hurt me. People are who they are. Me blaming myself for things I cannot control won't help or solve the issue. I'm very good at looking inside of me. I know who I am. I know that, for some, I'm too much and others, not enough. For the people who stay in my life, I know they see me accurately. Even the parts of me I desperately want to hide. They accept me for exactly who I am. That's unconditional love. Sometimes that's all you need. The people who love you stay because of that. They won't ask you to bend or break for them. They won't ask you to change in a way you're uncomfortable with. I'm not perfect. But, I am working on me for me. Self realization is a big thing for me. I am always defining myself for myself. No other opinion of me matters more than my own. I need to be able to be proud of the woman I see in the mirror. She's the most important person in my life now. I have to make myself proud first.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

My Poetry Corner XI: "We Agree" & "All I Am"


My heart refuses to listen to my head
My heart wants the same thing it has for years
It wants you
Your voice, your laughter, your smile
It craves even the way you used to say my name

My heart is stupid
and foolish
because it desires who hurt it
longs for the person who broke it
My heart does not make sense

My head knows better 
It speaks reality to my unwavering heart
It recalls the words that hurt
that broke us 
that you said

My head remembers everything
and forgets nothing
when it comes to loving you
My head relives those last moments often
And it kills me

My head and my heart don't or
can't see eye to eye
loving you was a gift 
losing you felt like a death
That's the only thing that they can agree on.

********************************************

"All I Am"

Being friends with someone 
you’re still in love with is a farce. 
It’s not possible. 
I don’t want to be just your friend.
Not when I know the way my name sounds coming from your mouth dripping in love. 
I could never accept to hear my name said any other way. 
I never wanted half of you 
And that’s what being your friend means 
It means suppressing the love I feel every time I hear your voice
I couldn’t fake it anymore
I had to love me more
Had to walk away from the deepest love I’ve ever know
And now everything I write is about you or for you
In some way or another
It’s the saddest thing 
Loving you from here
Alone
I couldn’t deal
So I had to do what you couldn’t 
Leave when love wasn’t on the table
You offered friendship as a consolation prize
And, I couldn’t accept those terms and conditions 
I’m an all or nothing type of girl
You used to know that. 
So now we’re nothing
No one
And love is what we used to have
All I am is sad.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

E-very-thing


In the midst of a very odd week, this gif sums it up. I am the sum of all my triumphs and all my failures. Every single thing I've done in my life has made me me. I have to be ok with it all. Feeling the full spectrum of emotions this week for reasons. I get so caught up in what I haven't accomplished or what I can't have that I forget to be thankful for all I do. It's so easy to be hard on myself. It's something I'm trying to shake off. So, what did I do? I sat down and did what I do best: wrote myself a letter. I wrote to myself about my good qualities and what I think I deserve. It instantly made me feel better and more calm about what will come. So, I challenge any of you having a bad dayto do the same. You are all beautiful in your own way. You have a gift unique to you. We all have a place and purpose in this life. So, no matter what has happened, how many times you've failed, who left, who doesn't get you, you are needed, wanted, loved. I say this to you because I had to say it to myself. Sometimes we need to be our own cheerleader. And, in the words of Mr. West, 

"Everything saying what's not for him 
Everything I'm not made me everything. 
Damn here we go again. 
People talk shit but when shit hits the fan. 
Everything I'm not made me everything I am."  

Saturday, June 01, 2013

Dear Diary (VI)


"They" say you should live life with no regrets. I have failed on epic levels with that this year. Living with no regrets used to be my mantra. But, all of that has changed. 2013 has ushered in some new practices that I don't necessarily care for. I did not sign up for the change but it's here anyway. Now, I have to adjust. I clearly feel like the universe is trying to tell me so many things. I am listening...noow. I am open to it. Because the regrets and the waht if's and the doubts are killing a sister. I do not like them living in my head and heart. It just isn't the way I live my life. I need something to shake and soon.


The above quote is from "Regrets" by my favorite rapper. And. it's my truth. I regret all the words I didn't say, all the risks I didn't take, the leaps I was too afraid to take. I am learning to live with the regrets. Learning to live with the reality that maybe certain things were not meant to be. It is clear that I have no clue what my future holds. I have come to accept certain truths. I cannot control the actions of others. I cannot make things be the way I want them to be. I  thought I was very secure in the woman I was. I was wrong. I've been shaken to the core this year. I've doubted myself so much, challenged everything I thought I knew about myself. I feel like a caterpillar going through the transformation to being a butterfly. I am changing but not necessarily by choice. By circumstance, I have to be different than I was last year. I regret a few things. I'll learn to live with them. They will make me better.


Saturday, May 04, 2013

My Poetry Corner X: "Between Us"




"Between Us"


The space between us fills up with 
all the words we do not say
the phrases we won’t allow ourselves to utter
supposedly it’s better this way
we talk around the issues
discussing safe topics
that exist outside the perimeter

In between us
lies what’s left of our love
we can no longer touch it
or feel it
because we broke it
We took something beautiful
and turned it dirty
Now we’re forced to act as if
it never existed
as if the remnants of who we used 
to be aren’t scattered
on the ground in front of our feet

So you’ll ask how my day was
and I’ll ask about the weather
as we dance this dance
while continuing to pretend
that we weren’t once a couple
madly in love.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Let Me Tell You A Story In Just 6 Words




I started a series on my Tumblr page. It is entitled "6 Word Stories." I started writing it as a way to get my thoughts out. I just wanted to see where my head was at for the last month or so. It is very hard to tell a story in just 6 words. But, that's what I did. Every one is a glimpse into my life, my emotions. Words mean things. My 6 word stories have been very useful to me.  So, I wanted to share what  I have come up with thus far. I will also be updating the list so, stay tuned. 
  • Nighttime used to be more comfortable.
  • When did we stop being us?
  • Today I forgot I was sad.
  • I miss you all the time.
  • When will my heart stop hurting?
  • What happens when you stop caring?
  • Every night fighting the same fight.
  • This once was my favorite time.
  • I'm going to be happy today.
  • Music always makes everything much better. 
  • Laying here I realize I'm tipsy.
  • Smiling deeply from within all day.
  • Made myself stop obsessing over you.
  • Yes my ego is still bruised.
  • Nothing people do surprises me anymore. 
  • My brokenness is becoming my reality.
  • If possible, I feel too much.
  • I don't need much just you.
  • Weird day turns better via text.
  • I cannot stop dreaming of you.
  • I appreciate laughter, music and books.
  • Desires a sunny beach filled vacay.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Ladies Love Lyrics: Outkast featuring Erykah Badu, Goodie Mob "Liberation"

There are some songs that just stay with you. I still feel the same way about Outkast's "Liberation" now that I did the first time I heard it. I actually remember exactly where I was when I first heard it. I was at the House of Blues on a Thursday night. There was a set called "Soul II Soul" College Nights that happened weekly. It was hosted by Rob Nice and DJ'ed by Raj Smoove and Bigg Cheez. My friends and I were regulars. So much so that the bouncers knew us by name and bartenders knew us by our drinks. Don't judge us! :) It was about 2 am when Raj dropped "Liberation." I remember that I stopped dancing to just listen and feel this track. I was enthralled with it. I had to have this song. I knew it was Outkast, Erykah and Goodie Mob from the jump/ I was a fan from that moment. Raj would drop it again before we left. I purchased Outkast's "Aquemini" the next day. I loved it. But, this was always my favorite track. Everything about it is perfect. The beat is dope, the lyrics are great, and it moved me then. And still does today. So, since this song was stuck in my head, I had to share.

(Andre) "And there's a fine line between love and hate you see
Came way too late, but baby I'm on it..
And there's a fine line between love and hate you see
Came way too late, but baby I'm on it..
Can't worry bout, what a nigga think now see
That's Liberation and baby I want it..
Can't worry bout, what another nigga think
Now that's Liberation and baby I want it..

(Big Boi) (Let me hear it, let me hear it, let me hear those, let me hear those)
How many times I, sit back and contemplate
I'm fresh off the dank, but I'm telling my story..
My relationship, with my folks is give and take
And I done took so much, not giving my glory
Now have a choice to be who you wants to be
It's left uppa to me, and my momma n'em told me (yes she did)
I said I have a choice to be who you wants to be
It's left uppa to me, and my momma n'em told me

(Cee-Lo) No, no, no
I'm so tired, it's been so long - struggling, hopelessly
Seven and forty days.. hey
Oh, I sacrifice every breath I breathe
To make you believe, I'd give my life away
Oh lord, I'm so tired, I'm so tired
My feet feel like I walked most of the road on my own
All on my own, wee..
We alive or we ain't living, that's why I'm giving until it's gone
Cause I don't wanna be alone (I don't wanna be alone)
I don't wanna be alone.. yeah
If there's anything I can say, to help you find your way
Touch your soul, make it whole, the same for you and I..
There's not a minute that goes by that I don't believe
that you die.. but I can feel it in the wind
The beginning or the end
But people keep your head to the sky

Shake that load off, shake that load off, 
Shake that load off, shake that load off

Shake that load off, shake that load off, Shake that load off, shake that load offShake that load off, shake that load off, Shake that load off, shake that load off
Shake that load off, shake that load off, Shake that load off, shake that load off

(Erykah Badu) Folk in your face, you're a superstar
N***as hang around cause of who you are
You get a lot of love cause of what you got
Say they happy for you but they really not
Sell a lot of records and you roll a Benz
Roll up in the spot, now you losing friends
All you wanna do is give the world your heart
but the label tried to make you compromise your art
You make a million dollars, make a million mo'
First class broad treat you like a n***a po'
You wanna say "Wait!" but you're scared to ask
as your world starts spinning and it's moving fast
Try to stay sane, it's the price of fame
Spending your life trying to numb the pain
You shake that load off and sing a song
Liberate the minds, then you go on home..
"





Sunday, March 10, 2013

Fear Assuaged

 


I've been tortured by one singular thought lately. I've had nightmares about it. It's been on my mind constantly. That issue has been children & the probability of me ever having any. It's no secret that I'm 33. I believed that my window of opportunity was fast lying closing. And, that frightened me. Then, there was a moment of divine intervention. The latest issue of Glamour magazine had been collecting dust on my coffee table for a week. I didn't have any real intention of reading it. But, I picked it up and flipped through it. As I was oohing and aahing over the fashions and perfumes, I came across an article that made me stop. The article was about women freezing their eggs. The article was enlightening. But, there was a graph in the corner of the 3rd page that held my interest. It broke down fertility rates in women over 30. It calmed down my fears. Fears that even my doctor couldn't stop me from having. The graph was extremely detailed. I have no idea what my future holds. I'm no longer apprehensive of it never happening. I still dream about that little brown girl and boy. I already know their names. Maybe one day my dream will come to fruition. For now, I have let this fear go. I've prayed about it. And I know whatever is for me, will always be for me.

Friday, March 08, 2013

A Dream Deferred


What happens when you realize your dream may not be obtainable anymore? I feel lost. There was a dream I had that I am pretty sure won't be mine. So, now I have to find a new dream or something. But, what do I do with all the plans I made? Or the feelings I have about that particular dream? I have no idea how to move pass this dream. "A Dream Deferred" by Langston Hughes came to mind when I start writing this. It def explains where I am mentally. I do not know what comes next or where I'm supposed to go. This particular dream was gargantuan. It was the biggest dream I've ever allowed myself to dream. And, it's no longer an option. At least not at this moment. That really makes me truly sad. I've kinda accepted the fact that this may never be. I didn't really have a choice.

I know none of us can predict the future. I know that all of it lays in God's hands. Since I am no longer on that dream's path, I feel myself drifting. It's hard to let go of something that it took me forever to admit that I wanted, truly wanted. I think it will be beneficial to me to let it go. I can't hold onto a dream that doesn't belong to me anymore. Maybe I should focus my attention on other dreams. I read somewhere that dreams are sometimes deferred because they aren't what God wants for us at that time. That is all I have to hold on in this matter. I know what I want. I'm just not sure how to get it yet. And, maybe that's the point. That this dream isn't mine to have yet. So, all I can do is pray and let it go and hope it comes back to me.