In the last few weeks, I have had two super uncomfortable conversations about babies. Both caught me off guard and left me disoriented. Randomly, my supervisor asked me, in front of people, if I was EVER going to have kids. I said no because that is my default answer. I think I've reverted to this response because if I say it enough maybe one day I'll believe it. She went on to say that she thought I would be a great Mom and that she could see me with a little natural haired little girl. I almost cried in public when she said that. She isn't the first person to say this to me. It hurts because I believe it too. I also do not believe that it will happen. She had no idea that she had stumbled upon a seriously sore subject for me. The other conversation bothered me even more. I made a statement to a friend and his response bothered me. I said that "the moment had passed on me wanting a baby." Which by all accounts is not the truth at all. He basically agreed with me. I was annoyed for days behind it. I also have another lifelong friend who always talks down on being a parent even though he is a damn good father to his kid. He says that I have it good being childless. He also doesn't realize how much that hurts me.
When it comes to this subject, I am so angry with myself for still being affected by it. People always say you can never miss what you never had. That is a bold face lie from the pits of hell. Not being a Mom is a huge ache in my core. It's a real and tangible emptiness I feel. I wish that I would have never admitted that I wanted to be a Mom. Maybe then this wouldn't hurt so much. I am literally surrounded by babies all the time. Nieces and nephews and cousins and godchildren. I am the only one of my friends who hasn't had a baby. I hate that I allowed myself to believe in the Mom and wife and family dream. I hate that it was taken from me. I hate that I feel anything about this. But, here I am, with this hole in my heart that cannot be filled in any other way. I feel like this is an ache that I will just learn to live with. Just like I've done with my Dad's murder and my last heartbreak. I dealt with them as much as I could and then I just suppress the residuals. I don't know how long this ache will last or how long before the words "I don't want to have kids" actually feel like the truth to me. But, I will keep saying them until they do. I'm not expecting anyone to tell me that it will be ok because it won't. I wanted something so badly and I cannot have it. That hurts and it sucks. But, I know I'll survive it. I have no other choice. I hate that I'm writing this, hate even more that I'm feeling this way. But, it's my truth. And, I'm going to stand in it.