Prayer. It has been my salvation more times than I can count. I have been raised in and around church all my life. My family is filled with praying people. I learned at an early age the power of prayer. Praying to me is the ability to have a one on one conversation with God. I learned how to say my prayers as a kid. There have been times where I feel that the only thing that saved me from myself was prayer. I remember after my Dad died, I didn't pray for a long time. I couldn't I was so hurt by his sudden death. Then, I found myself needing someone bigger than me. Finding my way back to church, prayer and God was not an easy feat for me. I did a lot of soul searching. In the ned, I had to acknowledge that I do not know best. I do not have all the answers. I needed to pray. I needed to speak my heart. It helped me get through that very dark time in my life.
(My brother Ken's praying hands/rosary tattoo)
The reason why prayer is the topic today is because I haven't been doing it lately. This year has been extremely hard for me. There a few situations in my life currently that I have no control over. I've been reluctant to pray because of my feelings. I have been very angry this year. I have tried to hide that from most people. But, I have mostly tried to suppress it from myself. I didn't want to acknowledge my anger. I didn't want to admit that I was. But, I was and in some ways, I still am. I feel like I need to pray now. I've cried about it, I've written about it, I've talked about it ad nauseam. I am over talking to any of my friends about what's going on with me. I require more. The only solution that I could come up with is prayer. I am challenging myself to do it early and often. I mean, what else can I do but let go and let God? He is my only answer to my issues. And, I know that in the end, prayer changes things.
"Do you have a 5, 10 year plan?" he quietly asked. That question used to cripple me. Only because I never knew exactly what the right answer was supposed to be. It's like the "describe yourself in 5 words" question. Such a hard question to fully answer. This time, I had an answer. Because the older I get, the more focused I am becoming. My ultimate goal is to write a novel. That's the easy part, proclaiming my future. The hard part deciding what to write, what particular story to tell. In college, I started working on a novel. I was heavily influenced by the literature that I was taking in. I was all about the urban lit genre. I gobbled it up. I read just about every highly praised street lit book. The story lines were new and exciting to me. Mainly because they were all so foreign to my life.
I grew up in the hood but I was never a street chick. I was enthralled with that lifestyle in the pages of those books. My first attempt at writing my novel was unauthentic to me. It wasn't my voice or my story to tell. So I destroyed it. I sent all of those words to a fiery death. I didn't want anyone to read them. They were awful. Now, I am more focused on telling a story that speaks of my heart. I know that I want to create great characters who have depth that just happen to be Black. My plot and story have to be awesome. I am leaning more towards a romantic comedy edge. That is what piques my interest. I want people to get so lost in my world that the race of my characters means nothing. I just want to write a beautiful moving piece of work. It's easier said than done.
Anyone who proclaims to be a writer knows how hard it is to share your art with the world. My words are like my babies. It's hard to give the world your heart because everyone isn't going to love what you do. I have tough skin but my heart is fairly fragile. It's the one thing hindering me. I have decided to just do it. Just go for it. I have to know if I have the literary chops to make it. I feel it deep in my heart that I do. I know once I have my work published, I am opening ng myself up to the criticism of the world. People will have their strong opinions about it. Some will love it, others will hate it. I have to accept that fact. I know I won't be able to satisfy all of the readers with my work. I have to accept that fact.
Finding and perfecting my literary voice has been a tedious task. I do not want to tell a story that has already been told. I cannot be a carbon copy of the writers I love. It's one of the main reason I love my blog. I get to write my story in my voice here. Writing is a skill that needs to be sharpened. It can only be accomplished by writing in mass quantity with mass quality. I pour my heart out here. I'm hoping that I can translate that passion into my novel. I am putting it out into the universe that I will write that special piece of literary gold. I'm focused on doing the work to achieve that. My mind, heart and literary voice are all in sync. Remember my name and this particular post. I know what my future holds.
Soul mate - (noun) "A person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes, and often a romantic bond." Soul mates is an idea, a notion that I've always believed in. My definition of the term has changed over the years. As children, we are fed the fairytales of Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and the ever present Prince Charming. The story always ends with everyone living happily ever after. These couples are deemed soul mates. A conversation last night sparked the issue of soul mates. Are we only allowed one true soul mate? Have you met your soul mate? I wonder how many people are actively pursuing their soul mates and how many have had the pleasure of meeting and marrying theirs.
I used to naively believe that there was only one true soul mate. That one person who was meant for you. Thankfully, there is wisdom associated with age. I've changed my stance on the issue. I think we meet people who possess the soul mate qualities at different points in life. It mainly has to do with what you are open to in life. If I had meet my soul mate at 22, I would have completely messed it up. I was not looking for a life long commitment at 22. I was fresh out of college, looking for a job and hanging out with my friends. I was not open to a soul mate then. My thoughts and beliefs begin to change and mature around the age of 30. I had been told that this would happen. A light bulb came on.
I decided that I wanted to love someone, truly love them with everything in me. And, I wanted a man who would/could love me in the same way. I had never experienced that before. I had never wanted to. I prayed about it and then I went on with my life. There is a great quote that speaks to this point in my life. It is "...when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." ("The Alchemist" Paulo Coelho) If you are lucky, you will find your soul mate at the perfect time. I was realistic in my wants, in my prayers. I was not a little girl wishing for a Prince Charming. The idea of him never did anything for me. If you're lucky, you will get your soul mate for life. It's what life is made of.
What is it about the age of 30 that sets off ideas of what one should be doing? I will be 33 this year. I can say that with a smile on my face. It kills me that others think that they know what's best for me. I hate the "so when are you going to have a baby" conversations almost as much as the "you know you aren't getting any younger." I know exactly how old I am. I'm well read on the advantages and disadvantages of having babies later in life. I don't need to be reminded of the fact that I haven't accomplished motherhood yet.
I don't want to be commended for not having a child (and furthermore being a single mom) nor do I want to be sympathized with because I've never been pregnant. It's the ultimate catch 22. As a teen and my early 20's, I knew inherently that getting pregnant would not be in my best interest. I was not ready for a baby. I didn't want to disappoint my Mom. I never wanted to be a single mom because I watched my Mom do it. I was raised in that struggle. It was hard. I didn't think I was built for it. I've always loved babies. I have not always loved the idea of having my own.
Some people approach the topic with me in the complete wrong way. I've been told that me not having a baby yet makes me less of a woman. It seems as if other people can hear my biological clock ticking louder than I can. I definitely do want babies. Little girls and boys who look and act like me would make my heart smile. I know nothing happens until it is time. I do not have any control over this. I'm ok with that. When it happens, I'll be over the moon excited! So, do me a favor. If you can hear my biological clock ticking, do me a favor & keep that info to yourself. Please and thanks in advance. I'll leave things like procreation in the hands of my God. He's always on time.
I am a talker. I love words and conversations. But sometimes it's hard to find the words and formulate the sentences. It's not because I don't know what I want to say or ask. It has more to do with the fact that I know that once it's said it can't be unsaid. Once I speak, I give power to my words. It's taken me a long time to truly grasp that concept. I'm more careful with my words.
I've also learned that the "Hardest thing to say is usually worth saying." (via @KarenCivil) It's very true. We've all had those difficult conversations filled with questions who's answers could crush us. When your heart's involved, the words carry much weight. I am also a worrywart. I think and rethink about what I want to say and how I want to say it before I ever do. It's just very important to me.
I also believe that all these difficult conversations can lead to better, more fulfilled lives. People have to get through them to get through life. It's never easy during the process. But the end result is always worth it. Because, at least, now you know. Now, you can decide what comes next. For some that means to stay and fight. For others, it means to cut your loses and run. Either way, a decision can be made. Difficult situations are a part of life. How you respond to them determines who you are. For that reason alone, I take them on. I need to grow. This is the only way, by going through.
There are many things I know about life. There are even more things that I do not know about it. That is the beauty that is life. It is this never ending quest for knowledge. No matter how much one knows, one could never know all. In order to grow, one has to be willing to change. One has to put forth the effort to change. And, one also has to know that some things cannot be changed. In those cases, one has to be open enough to accept what is before them. Acceptance takes a big heart and an open mind. I am not saying that either option is easy. Both will take a lot of hard work. Life is never truly boring. But one has to have their eyes open enough to see all that there is. So, this quote is common sense to me. But, it's always a good idea to revisit it.
When things are at their lowest, what do you do to cope? What methods are useful to you? I think that everyone has their one tried and true way to deal with things. Some get angry, some get silent and reflective while some cry. There are those who throw themselves into work or a project so they won't have to deal with things. Others let the issue consume their entire being or isolated themselves from the world. I can't say that any of these are better than the other. Or even if any of them are healthy. We're humans. We find some way to creatively deal with our stuff.
Over the years, my coping mechanisms have changed. I used to be the girl who threw herself into anything else to avoid feeling that pain. I didn't want to face things that would hurt and ultimately change me. I saw so much at such a young age that I internalized my pain. Hell, I still do that. It's a very hard habit to break. I was the oldest and the strong one so breaking wasn't an option. I dealt through writing in my journal and my poetry. As a teenager, that helped me tremendously. It was my way through it all. I'm thankful for that.
Now I know internalizing isn't the healthiest option. But I also know for me it's the easiest. I hate to burden anyone with my stuff. I don't like to ask for help. Handling my issues is a personal thing for me. When I get truly overwhelmed, there are a couple of people I can talk to. I try not to let life consume. I try my best to stay above the fray. Some days are much easier than others. But life is all about forward progression right? That's the only direction. How do you cope? Tell me about it.
De-cluttering my e-life has been an adventure. I would not unfriend or unfollow people because I didn't want them to get angry at me. Clearly, I am over that. I have to look out for me. In an effort to do this, I have to let go off some people. For the second time in less than six months, I had to unfriend a huge chunk of folks on Facebook. The reason was simple. I cannot deal with the daily drama and absurdness that grown people post.
More than 75% of my friends on Facebook, are in my age group. One would think that the topic of conversations would be on an adult level. One would be sadly mistaken. I have read some of the most ridiculous status updates ever since rejoining Facebook almost 2 years ago. I guess I was under the impression that every one grows up eventually. I was dead wrong. Some of my high school friends are seemingly still stuck in high school mentally.
I should not nor do I want to know a friend's every move, thought, or action via Facebook. Especially if they have to do with matters of the heart. The friend who's relationship status changes every few hours. Or the one who loves/hates their significant other all day on Facebook. I cannot take the headache that their words bring. So I elected to click the "unfriend" option. May be nothing to someone else, but it has been too much for me. There was also a lot of negativity that was seeping through the screen as I read some of the statuses. I wanted no part of it. I don't need it around me. So, I simply bowed out.
The crazy thing is I know that I will get friend request from these folks again. I will not bend like I did the first time. I will just hit ignore and keep my Facebook experience positive and light. I love that it reconnects me to my former classmates. That is the great thing about it. I will continue to streamline my list if anyone falls into the above mentioned category. I am sure that Facebook will now return to the great place it was when I first joined. I am the commander of my own page. I will conduct myself accordingly.
There are some tv shows that you just connect with from the first episode. That show can also spark quotes that define who you are, what you will become, and where you will go. "Sex and the City" is that show for me. there are a plethora of quotables from this great show. Today, this one means the most to me while I'm on this journey called life. Enjoy!"I MAKE MISTAKES. THAT'S WHAT I DO. I SPEAK WITHOUT THINKING. I ACT WITHOUT KNOWING. I DRINK SO MUCH THAT I CAN BARELY WALK. I'M A FANTASTIC LOVER THOUGH, AND AN AMAZING FRIEND. GOD KNOWS I MEAN WELL." - Carrie Bradshaw
"Can you have a future if your past is present?" Carrie Bradshaw, SATC
While watching an old "Sex and the City" episode, this question by Carrie got me to thinking. I have a past. You have a past. We all have one. But how can you move forward when and/or if your past keeps making an appearance in your present. How exactly does one move on when an ex won't stay in your past? There is a fine line we have to walk when it comes to remaining friends with an ex.
The reality is that at some point the two people who are now exes were friends. Sometimes soul mates dissipate. Love falls apart. Love turns to hate. The road gets really slippery. Love can be a tricky thing. One never really knows what the outcome of a relationship will ever be. People fall in and out of love and relationships easily. Thus is life. Relationships begin and end that quickly. we are humans and we are all seeking our mates.
Even relationships of mine that have ended in anger and fussing and fighting, are now at a point where me and an ex can be cordial. It's been years and what's the point of holding a grudge? I do not feel the need to keep in constant contact with them. It's just not important to me where I am in my life. A phone call, email, or text once in a while to catch up is enough for me. I don't harbor no hate for any of them. No bad feelings or love either. Besides, I think my current life does not need validation or visits from my past. An ex is an ex for a reason. I once had expectations of those men and we failed. "He" was not meant to play a part in my future.
I believe that the answer to Carrie's question is simple. One can not get to their future if they are constantly confronted with their past in their present. There will be no future if one keeps engaging themselves in their past lives. The past is the past. It is nice for the memories and to measure one's growth. It does not determine where one will end up. It has no true bearing on my future and I won't allow it to. So, maybe being friendly with an ex from a distance is the key. Are you or your significant other friends with an ex? Is it causing issues in your current situation?
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - Soren Kierkegaard
That quote personifies how I've felt about the past year. It's the end of the year & its always a time of reflection. 2010 was a pretty good year. Especially compared to the colossal downpour that 2009 was. I am hopeful looking ahead to 2011. That is the word that I'm using going forward.
Life has a funny way of giving you just what you need when you aren't even looking for it. This let's me know that God has an ill sense of humor. I spent most of 2009 being very introspective. I was trying to get down to the very essence of who I was. Beginning in 2010, I decided that I was ok. That I was lovable. Situations in 2008 made me doubt myself.
In 2010, I got myself back. I lost sight of who I truly was for a while. This year, I laughed more, stressed less, and made a conscious effort to just live life. I'm not exactly where I want to be yet. I feel like I'm well on my way there. I weeded out some bad friends and tightened my friendships with some great people. I'm writing more which is a great thing. I've found more ways to making my own happiness. That has been the key. I embarked on a personal religious journey to get a better, deeper understanding of the Bible. I've read books that are of a more varied genres.
Life has been quite extraordinary this year. I believe that it will get even better going forward. I am trying to turn myself from an often pessimist to a daily optimist. It's not easy but by changing the way I think, I will change the way I see things. Life in 2010 was one for the books. I have no doubt that 2011 will be as well.
There are always things and situations which I sit and ponder the what ifs. I don't do it often. Because I try to live my life with no real regrets. But, in hindsight, aren't things so much clear than they were when you were going through it? I sometimes let my feelings for someone or something cloud my thinking. It's a small character flaw.
I had a conversation with someone that led me to this topic. It's funny how two people in the same situation can remember things totally different. The years may have distorted both of our memories. Both parties involved were hurt in the end. Neither of us willing to stand up for our own wrong doings. That was years ago. It was finally time to just let go of it all. The resentment, the hurt, the pain, the guilt and the disdain. I apologized for the hurt I caused. And I finally got an apology as well. I didn't realize I still needed it. It was time to close that chapter of my life. It's all in my past now. In hindsight, maybe it wasn't all bad. There were some good things that came from this situation.
I try to be as objective as I can be when it comes to my life. But I can't help but sit and wonder sometimes. I'm not perfect nor do I claim to be. I'm not without fault. I try to be the best me I can be. Try not to do wrong to anyone because I'm a give believer in karma. But I haven't always been so enlightened. I've done wrong. I've prayed about my past as I forge my way into my future. All I can do is continue to be a better me. And hopefully, in hindsight, I'll see myself clearly.
The task - Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?
Dear Me,
In 2011, you will have a year like no other. You opened your heart & will receive the love & life you deserve. Be prepared to reach your idea of total contentment. By December 2015, your life will be complete. By then, your dream of writing that book will have been realized. You will be married to your best friend, your partner, the love of your life. The two of you will be the parents of a son, two girls and you will be pregnant again. Happiness is found for you in the family and life you've created. Life, in general, will be good for you. This all comes to fruition because you let down your walls and let go of fear to embrace your destiny. Enjoy the ride because its about to get to the good part. Love, live, and laugh more than you ever have. These are the times that memories are made. I love the woman you are and the woman you will be on five years.
Love always,
Kenda Calandra!
We are all trying to get to happy. That is the struggle everyday. Happiness is defined differently for everyone. Webster's defines happy as "delighted, pleased, or glad; as over a particular thing; characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment or joy." All of this got me to pondering about personal happiness."What's happy for me may not even rate on the scale of happy for the next (wo)man. Someone asked me if I was happy recently. At that very moment, all I could hear in my head was the last few spoken lines of T.I.'s hit song "Why You Wanna." T.I. poses the question to his ex "Is ya happy?" That little three word sentence packs a big punch.
Sometimes we forget to just be happy. It's easy to do so with all of the day to day things that pull us in a thousand different directions. I know I tend to get so caught up in my head and worrying about everyone else that I forget about me. that is the number one issue I am weeding out of my life. I've decided that my happiness comes first as it should. I don't wanna miss any other moment of my life because I'm worried about someone else. This hasn't been an easy notion for me to totally embrace. But, I will not continue to sacrifice my piece of happy to engage in the drama of others any longer. That just won't do going forth.
That question made me start thinking about my idea of happiness. For me, it could be something very simple or something extremely extravagant. I've never left my happiness up to anyone else. I feel like my true happiness only resides in my heart. I responded to the original question with a resounding "Yes, I'm very happy." I truly meant it because I truly feel it. I am at a place in life that I'm happy with me. My personal happiness comes from me no one else. I'm learning to take the time to smell the roses and enjoy my happiness. It's quite an awesome feeling too. I wonder if you have gotten to your personal happiness yet?
04) Kanye West & Jay-Z "The Joy"
03) Nicki Minaj "Right Thru Me" (the lyrics are dead on!!)
02) Charlie Wilson "You Are"
01) Brian McKnight "What I've Been Looking For"
