As a little girl, I could not imagine a day when my friends wouldn't be my friends anymore. There was nothing I could fathom back then that would lead to us not being friends today. Maybe I was idealistic and unreasonable. I just knew that those 6 girls would always be my close friends. For many years, I never had to worry about that. Then we became young adults. We graduated from college and life got in the way. I can still pick up the phone and reach out to any one of them. But, we just aren't the close knit group we once were. That's just the way things have played out. The thing that I've realized is that life has a way of pulling people apart. Literally, almost all of my female friends are married or moms. I am neither. There are things that I cannot relate to on some level with them. Out of state moves have also played a small part in this friendship migration. A change of religion on the part of a friend has caused a divide as well. We are still essentially the same little girls. We still love the same things about each other. It doesn't mean that I don't miss certain aspects of these women. They were my entire world. It wasn't a sudden change in friendship. It happened gradually. One day, I realized how much space was between all of us. I guess that life has a way of giving you what you need in a friend at that time.
I'm always open to meeting new people. Getting to know new people is tiring though. It's also very ironic that my two closest friends also happen to be my first cousins. As my Mom called them, my first friends. I am beyond thankful for Ty & Reese for always being there. As well as my sisters. Friendships are all unique and important in their own way. We, as humans, need them, thrive on them. I am thankful for all the ones I've had in my life. I think I've learned something from each and every friend I've ever encountered. I can only hope that I left the same kind of impression on them as well.
Today's topic is inspired by a post on Facebook. The question posed was this: "You are planning your wedding. Your best friend's hair/size/etc. doesn't fit with your ideas for your event. Do you not allow them to participate or do you adjust your vision a bit?" This topic struck a distinct nerve with me. I've been personally affected by this situation. It didn't take me long to recall my feelings on it. I've been in a few weddings and have seen the way they affect those involved. I was completely caught off guard in the situation. Let me tell you what happened to me.
For years, she and I bonded over many things. She would often say "when I get married, you know you're in my bridal party." It was an understanding between the two of us. So, when she became engaged, I just knew I was in the wedding. Imagine my surprise when that turned out not to be the case. Her reason was ridiculous for rescinding the offer. She also didn't even tell me face to face. She left me a message. There comes a moment when you realize who your friends are. The moment my "friend" left that messed up voicemail I knew. It made me realize that we weren't the good friends I thought we were. I was so hurt by her words. From that moment, our friendship was forever broken. We weren't the same two girls anymore.
Weddings seem to bring out an ugly side of people. Looking back on the situation, I realized that the friendship had restrictions. And, they seemed to remove around the size of my chest. That was the reason I was unceremoniously kicked out of the wedding party. It hurt. I held on to that hurt for a while. It made me self conscious about something I could not change or control. It made me sad. This is only my second time telling this story. It doesn't hurt anymore. I learned a lesson. I know what I will and won't do to my family & friends when my day comes. That day will be all about love & family, the family I was born into, the one I am marrying into & the one I handpicked. That's what I want.
Is it healthy or even necessary to hold on to people from one's past? I know I used to be the girl who was cool with staying friends after the relationship ran its course. I think I wanted to prove how adult I was about the relationship ending. For the most part, I've had no problem with ex's staying in their respectable places in my life. I haven't had too many instances where me and a guy have had a truly bad break up. I am Facebook friends with ex's. I have only had one time where an ex came at me sideways via FB messaging. I promptly told him off and deleted him. I'm not here for that drama. I've actually gotten into more drama when an ex has a new boo. That has been the issue for me when it came to maintaining some sort of relationship with these men.
I know that not everyone I meet on this journey are meant to stay. Just like I'm not meant to stay in theirs. Why do some people hold on? Granted there are some that I geniunely miss the friendship. But, the reality is that once that line has been crossed, it's close to impossible to go back the other way. I no longer feel the need to hold on to that connection from my past. It's quite irrelevant to my life right now. I don't pick up the phone to call or text the way I used to. Hell, I have even cut out all of the mass emailing I used to do. I don't want to misrepresent myself as available to my past. I've lived it. I know what happened there, good or bad. It's a chapter in my story but it is not the whole thing. I may get a random text or two. And, any man who attempts to communicate with me already know who I am and what I'm about.
I'm not impressed anymore with the emotions of the past. I dealt with any lingering feelings in the proper and improper ways a long time ago. Before I allowed myself to move up & on, I knew in my heart that I was not holding a torch for any man. I was completely over everything in 2009. It took me a long time to actually deal with what was in my heart then. But, I did. And, I was a better woman for it. In the end, I wish no one in my past dating life any harm. If I see them, I'll speak. May even hold a conversation. Hope they know not to take anything I do as flirting at this stage. I'm not here for that. The girl that I was years ago grew up. She became a woman in her own right, at her own pace. I thought keeping lines of communication open made me seem more adult, more mature. When, in fact, it just kept me chained to my past. I learned that lesson the hard way. But, I learned it!! That was the most important part. In hindsight, I've learned that some people just do not deserve a place in my present day life. That isn't mean. It just shows that they were season or reason people and not lifetime people. No more holding on.
So, I finally had a chance to catch up with one of my best friends. We'll call her Roomie. She and I have been friends for about 11 years. We have been there for each other for everything. My conversation with her got me to thinking about real friendships. Friendships can change and grow in many different ways. If you're lucky, you will be blessed with a few. I love the fact that I don't have to speak to them everyday but nothing changes. Conversations flow just as easily as if we spoke everyday. That is a beautiful gift to share with someone. I cherish it.
My friends are amazingly hilarious. They make me laugh, cry, keep me sane and encourage me at every turn. They are the people who know me the best. They've seen me at my lowest and they never turned away. We've been through it all with each other. I love that my friends never judge me. They give me reality and truth no matter what. How many people do you know that will do that? My friendships span 31 years with them. How blessed am I to have them? Sometimes we can get so caught up in our own personal lives that we forget to nurture these friendships. I am guilty of this. There are a few friends that will always check me quickly on this though (Hi Ty and Mike lol). I'm getting better at it.
My friendships are important to me. These wonderful people are my family by choice. That is a great thing. Life is short so why not surround yourself with awesome people? I pray that I'm as good a friend to them as they have been to me. I may not call all the time, but they know I'm good for a text or ten!! I dedicate this blog to Ty, Reese, Chuck, Mike, Niaga, and Shan. I'm so lucky that you guys love me for me. An that you all walked into my life by accident but decided to stay on purpose. I love you. I'm always here for you.
De-cluttering my e-life has been an adventure. I would not unfriend or unfollow people because I didn't want them to get angry at me. Clearly, I am over that. I have to look out for me. In an effort to do this, I have to let go off some people. For the second time in less than six months, I had to unfriend a huge chunk of folks on Facebook. The reason was simple. I cannot deal with the daily drama and absurdness that grown people post.
More than 75% of my friends on Facebook, are in my age group. One would think that the topic of conversations would be on an adult level. One would be sadly mistaken. I have read some of the most ridiculous status updates ever since rejoining Facebook almost 2 years ago. I guess I was under the impression that every one grows up eventually. I was dead wrong. Some of my high school friends are seemingly still stuck in high school mentally.
I should not nor do I want to know a friend's every move, thought, or action via Facebook. Especially if they have to do with matters of the heart. The friend who's relationship status changes every few hours. Or the one who loves/hates their significant other all day on Facebook. I cannot take the headache that their words bring. So I elected to click the "unfriend" option. May be nothing to someone else, but it has been too much for me. There was also a lot of negativity that was seeping through the screen as I read some of the statuses. I wanted no part of it. I don't need it around me. So, I simply bowed out.
The crazy thing is I know that I will get friend request from these folks again. I will not bend like I did the first time. I will just hit ignore and keep my Facebook experience positive and light. I love that it reconnects me to my former classmates. That is the great thing about it. I will continue to streamline my list if anyone falls into the above mentioned category. I am sure that Facebook will now return to the great place it was when I first joined. I am the commander of my own page. I will conduct myself accordingly.
There's a saying that everyone uses everyone. I think that saying and act sucks. I don't think I necessarily believe in that. I despise being used. I truly hate when I know I'm being used. It's a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm not sure how people who use other people can live with their actions. It's a bad way to live ones life in my opinion.
I do not like fairweather people. You know the type. They only come around or call when they need you. I personally believe that if you don't have the decency to seem how I'm doing once in s while then you don't care about me. I'm not the best at calling people all the time. But I'm definitely known for sending a text or an email. I try my best to keep in contact with those I love and care about. It burns me up when I feel like someone is using me. It's an insult to my intelligence and compassion.
I also find it ironic and sad when someone who is clearly attempting to use me cops an attitude when I say no. No is a powerful word."No, you will not use me." "No, you will not walk all over me." "No, you will not take my kindness for weakness." When I say no, I mean it. It took me a long time to get assertive and comfortable enough to say no. To not allow my people to use me. I may have ruffled some feathers along the way but I did what was best for me. It take a lot to get under my skin. This issue does it easily.
It's funny that recently this refers more to family than anyone else. Just because I'm free doesn't mean I have to do anything for anyone. It's the beauty of not being a parent yet. I'm not responsible for anyone nor do I have to answer to anyone. Some people may not like it. But for my sanity, I have to come from a place of no where they are concerned. I'm out of the being used business. I cannot continue to let people use me. It's not for me. So I'm done. Over it. Guess they will have to find someone else to use.
Cliques. Groups. Crews. Your friends. I have been thinking a lot about the people I surround myself with. I read this quote "You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with” by Jim Rohn. There is nothing better than the people you chose to live your life around. To me, my friends are the family I handpicked. That makes them even more special to me.
In high school, my friends and I were known as the Kandi Krewe. It was me and six of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. We've known each other for years. Three of them are my cousins. These were the girls who would eventually grown into the women who will always have my back. Some I talk to every day. Others, every once in a while. There will never be any other women who could replace these women in my life. They were there through all the good times and bad, all the crazy moments and growing pains. These are my friends.
In college, I met another great group of girls. We were known as 7 Deep. We were all from New Orleans and all loved that beat. We had the best time in undergrad. From really serious to the really silly, all of it was worth the ride. They helped me through the crazy years. All the talks about boys and relationships and classes and life will never be forgotten. The long nights of Oreo cakes and Strawberry Boone's farm in a room with the red light one while listening to music, discussing whatever, waiting on phone calls are classic. That city and school were not ready for that many like minded women to become friends. We were it!
The women who I call my friends have helped me grow into the woman that I am. They have been the backbone to a lot of things in my life. They are the folks who I can call on at any given day. I am thankful for them and having them in my life. We are all made better by the fact that we have each other. I wouldn't trade any of them for anything in the world. Friends are a special part of life. To have a friend, you have to learn how to be a friend. It's just that simple.
Blessed is the person who has someone to call a friend. I never, ever take my friends for granted. that being said, I have a few best friends. They are my bestie's for different, varied reasons.
My oldest and dearest best friend is Ty. She is my first cousin, my godsister and first friend. She says she knew me before I knew me (lol) because she's 10 months and 2 days older than me. We've been each other's confidant, protector, supporter, and personal cheerleader for 30 1/2 years now. She knows me and accepts me for the woman that I am. And, vice versa. Our friendship is indeed special and unique. Many friends have come & gone but we're still here, still tight.
Then there's Chuck. We've been friends for 20 years! That's crazy! He's one of the best guys I know. Our friendship has always been based on total honesty. that's a quality & characteristic that you cannot bottle or buy. I am grateful to know him. If ever I need to talk or vent or express my concern about anything in my life, he's been a shoulder for me to lean on. I'm sure I have been the same for him.
I am so lucky to have a great group of friends...true, real friends. The ones that I can count on when the chips are down or when everything is great. I love them for that and the feelings def mutual.
The thing that I've realized is that life has a way of pulling people apart. Literally, almost all of my female friends are married or moms. I am neither. There are things that I cannot relate to on some level with them. Out of state moves have also played a small part in this friendship migration. A change of religion on the part of a friend has caused a divide as well. We are still essentially the same little girls. We still love the same things about each other. It doesn't mean that I don't miss certain aspects of these women. They were my entire world. It wasn't a sudden change in friendship. It happened gradually. One day, I realized how much space was between all of us. I guess that life has a way of giving you what you need in a friend at that time.
