Black Out on Black Friday

In the aftermath of Mike Brown's killer walking free, there has been a call to arms sent out. Today is Black Friday, the best shopping day of the year and the start of Christmas shopping. To show solidarity to the Brown family, it's been asked that Black Americans NOT shop today. Boycott all the sales. Use our buying power to make a point. That point is simple: Black lives matter. Protests have popped up all over the U.S. After Brown's killer was not even indicted over his murder. People are understandably upset. People want justice. We want to know that the murderers are held accountable for their actions. We deserve justice. So, today, boycott, let the powers that be know that we are mad as hell and aren't gonna take it anymore. We need to effect change in this country. I am tired of young Black people being slaughtered in the streets and no one caring. Let's do this, people. #JusticeForMikeBrown today!

Transitions

My life is in transition. Transitioning into what? I'm not entirely sure. There was a time when I knew what I wanted and who I wanted to become. But, things have changed drastically. There are moments when I actually have no clue as to what's going on. There are days when I don't feel pretty or smart or together or focused. And, these are things I cannot lean on others for. Yes, accolades and compliments are great. But, if I don't believe them then they don't mean as much. My life has been spiraling for some time now. I have no destination and that scares the hell out of me. My reaction to a certain situation has caused me to cut people out. I am not as open with my friends as I used to be. I'm not as available either. I know this isn't the right course of action but it's the only way I know to protect all I hold dear. If I don't let anyone in, then no one can hurt me. This makes me a little colder I know. But, it's a practice that I've adapted. 

I can no longer hold onto the woman I was because, sadly, she no longer exists. But, I am apprehensive about the woman I am becoming because I do not know her yet. What my future holds? I really do not know. I want a few things that I have no clue how to achieve them but I will. I really thought I wanted to write but I've changed my mind about that. I've spent too much time feeling adrift in the last year and a half. I honestly don't have the luxury of time on my side. I will be 35 soon. It's the age I just knew I would have it all together. You know the marriage, the kids, the house and the career. I am so far removed from that ideal. I almost feel like this is my mid life crisis. I used to have the answers and I swear I do not anymore. I know that I'm not supposed to have it all figured out but I'd feel more secure if I knew more. Or if the answers were simpler. Transitioning is a must in life. It's just my season. A season of uncertainty and restructuring. Fingers crossed and prayers sent up that I end up exactly where I am supposed to be: in the middle of my own future. A future I can be proud of and exist happily in. I couldn't ask for anything more. 

The March Challenge

Weight. It's a topic most people hate to discuss. Losing it or gaining it, weight is a big deal. And, it's time for me to face the facts. I need to lose weight. I'm not talking about some drastic amount like 100lbs. But, I need to make a huge change. In the last year, I've gained weight. I know exactly why I gained the weight, I was depressed and stressed. I am a stress eater. I let the last year of my life just happen to me. I simply existed for almost all of 2013. Those days are over. I haven't been a very thin girl since I was a teen. There have been moments in my life that I wasn't happy about my weight. But, as I got older, I accepted my body for what it was. That is no longer the case. Since the beginning of this year, I have been on my happiness journey. I've been working on my thoughts and my faith. Now, I need to work on my physicality. This work starts on March 1st. I am ready, scared but ready. I need to do this for me because I deserve to have the best life available to me. 

So, I have a plan for March. I will be implementing it tomorrow. Since I am still opposed to the gym, I will start slowly at home. I will do the above ab and squat challenge. I have already eliminated soda from my life. I will also be cutting back on breads, pasta and rice. I want to work more salads into my diet. I eat a lot of vegetables and fruit already but I think adding more can't hurt. I need to drink more water than I currently do. It is a proven fact that you need to drink half your weight in ounces of water daily. I also want to cut back on (and eventually totally avoid) pork. This will be a challenge because of bacon. But, I am focused. I just want to feel as good outside as I do inside. And, that means losing weight and getting healthy. I am not getting any younger. I have two other really good reasons for starting this journey but they are super personal. But, I have to achieve this to accomplish them. So, this blog is more for me than anyone else. It's to make myself accountable in some way to stick to this. Tomorrow is the day. Wish me luck, people!

((P.S. - I am super proud of myself for setting a personal blogging goal of blogging every day in February and completing it!! Yay me!!))

The Power of Prayer

Prayer. It has been my salvation more times than I can count. I have been raised in and around church all my life. My family is filled with praying people. I learned at an early age the power of prayer. Praying to me is the ability to have a one on one conversation with God. I learned how to say my prayers as a kid. There have been times where I feel that the only thing that saved me from myself was prayer. I remember after my Dad died, I didn't pray for a long time. I couldn't I was so hurt by his sudden death. Then, I found myself needing someone bigger than me. Finding my way back to church, prayer and God was not an easy feat for me. I did a lot of soul searching. In the ned, I had to acknowledge that I do not know best. I do not have all the answers. I needed to pray. I needed to speak my heart. It helped me get through that very dark time in my life. 

                                             (My brother Ken's praying hands/rosary tattoo)

The reason why prayer is the topic today is because I haven't been doing it lately. This year has been extremely hard for me. There a few situations in my life currently that I have no control over. I've been reluctant to pray because of my feelings. I have been very angry this year. I have tried to hide that from most people. But, I have mostly tried to suppress it from myself. I didn't want to acknowledge my anger. I didn't want to admit that I was. But, I was and in some ways, I still am. I feel like I need to pray now. I've cried about it, I've written about it, I've talked about it ad nauseam. I am over talking to any of my friends about what's going on with me. I require more. The only solution that I could come up with is prayer. I am challenging myself to do it early and often.  I mean, what else can I do but let go and let God? He is my only answer to my issues. And, I know that in the end, prayer changes things. 

#30in30: How Time Changes Things

As a little girl, I could not imagine a day when my friends wouldn't be my friends anymore. There was nothing I could fathom back then that would lead to us not being friends today. Maybe I was idealistic and unreasonable. I just knew that those 6 girls would always be my close friends. For many years, I never had to worry about that. Then we became young adults. We graduated from college and life got in the way. I can still pick up the phone and reach out to any one of them. But, we just aren't the close knit group we once were. That's just the way things have played out.
The thing that I've realized is that life has a way of pulling people apart. Literally, almost all of my female friends are married or moms. I am neither. There are things that I cannot relate to on some level with them. Out of state moves have also played a small part in this friendship migration. A change of religion on the part of a friend has caused a divide as well. We are still essentially the same little girls. We still love the same things about each other. It doesn't mean that I don't miss certain aspects of these women. They were my entire world. It wasn't a sudden change in friendship. It happened gradually. One day, I realized how much space was between all of us. I guess that life has a way of giving you what you need in a friend at that time.

I'm always open to meeting new people. Getting to know new people is tiring though. It's also very ironic that my two closest friends also happen to be my first cousins. As my Mom called them, my first friends. I am beyond thankful for Ty & Reese for always being there. As well as my sisters. Friendships are all unique and important in their own way. We, as humans, need them, thrive on them. I am thankful for all the ones I've had in my life. I think I've learned something from each and every friend I've ever encountered. I can only hope that I left the same kind of impression on them as well.

It's My Hair: Taking the Natural Route

I've been contemplating over this decision for a while. My decision has become clearer in the last few weeks. So, I've finally made the jump. I have decided to get my hair back to its natural state. I am currently about 10/11 weeks post perm. So I'm in the beginning stages of transitioning. I currently have no plans to BC (big chop). I think that thought scares me the most. I'm in the easy stage of this process. I already know that things are about to get harder. 

I think that I will be getting Senegalese twists done within the next month or two. It's a protective transitional hair style. From all that I've read, it will be extremely helpful in my transition. I definitely need to get my ends trimmed as soon as possible. This journey is so scary to me because this is all uncharted territory. I have no clue what my hair actually looks like. It's going to be an adventure. I know I will want to give up while transitioning. I just have to stay true to what I want. I will update my progress as it comes. Pray for me! I'll be a naturalista in no time!

Changed or Accepted

There are many things I know about life. There are even more things that I do not know about it. That is the beauty that is life. It is this never ending quest for knowledge. No matter how much one knows, one could never know all. In order to grow, one has to be willing to change. One has to put forth the effort to change. And, one also has to know that some things cannot be changed. In those cases, one has to be open enough to accept what is before them. Acceptance takes a big heart and an open mind. I am not saying that either option is easy. Both will take a lot of hard work. Life is never truly boring. But one has to have their eyes open enough to see all that there is. So, this quote is common sense to me. But, it's always a good idea to revisit it.

"The Cosby Show" Revolutionized My World

From the opening credits, I was pulled into the greatness of what "The Cosby Show" would eventually become. I remember being totally amazed while watching the premiere episode of "The Cosby Show." They were funny and successful and affluent and most importantly Black. There was a family on my television who looked like me and my family. I was definitely an instant fan. I loved everything about the show. The show would go on to tackle issues I knew nothing of. But, afterwards, I was well informed. I literally learned so much about so many things from "The Cosby Show."

I identified mostly with Rudy. My little cousin Juan thought that she and I were one in the same. He asked his Mom "Why was My Kenda in the tv?" Everyone I knew was a fan of this show. It was like nothing any of us had ever seen before. "The Cosby Show" changed my perception of what life could be at the age of barely 5. These people were like me but they also weren't. I embraced the similarities between their family and mine. The show also planted a seed in me about what I wanted my future family and life to be. They focused on education a lot. That was a huge theme in my hope before I even entered school. In many ways, I saw a lot of Claire and Cliff in my Mom's parenting skills. I knew that no matter what, we would all sit and watch "The Cosby Show" as a family.



I learned so much from this show. there was always great art adorning the walls of the Huxtable house. I was introduced to a different genre of music via this show. Jazz was a favorite of Cliff and Claire. The children were encouraged to pursue higher education. Not attending college wasn't really an option in that household. In a way, the Huxtable's set a new norm. A family that was functional and happy and together who just happened to be Black. No one had ever seen this before. The world was as open to it as my family was. "The Cosby Show" single-handedly revived the sitcom genre. It was the biggest show of the 80's. It's been 27 years since it premiered and I still love it. It is still running in syndication. It is also available on dvd. This introduces a new generation to the greatness that is "The Cosby Show."

The world is missing that kind of television programming. We have fallen into the reality tv world. Reality tv has killed the scripted sitcom. I do believe that it will be making a strong comeback. We need it to. I still watch "The Cosby Show" and still laugh at jokes that are almost as old as me. They never get old. Funny is always funny. I loved the show from beginning to end. I do prefer the earlier seasons though. I'm sure that has to do with my favorite character being Rudy and the fact that she and I were the same age. It is one show that I need to get all 8 seasons on dvd to add to my small collection. That way I can watch and reminisce about my own childhood. "The Cosby Show" will always remind me of the simplicity of my life then. It made things so much better. How could it not with a Dad like Cliff, a Mom like Claire, and kids like Sondra, Denise, Theo, Vanessa and Rudy? Gotta love them!

Creature of Habit

This will be a short and sweet blog. I am having a random thought and wanted to share. We are all creatures of habit. It doesn't take a long time to develop a routine. I like what I know. The unknown can be a scary thought. I have the same morning and nightly habits and routines. Some times we need to shake up our routines to feel alive. Other times, our routines are shaken up for us. Either way, humans adapt and change. It's who we are.

My nightly routine was shaken up tonight. I was completely unprepared for it. I don't think I realized how dependent on this nightly routine until it was taken away. It also just plays into my being spoiled as well. So as I lay here, I can't help but wonder about my routine. I should be asleep but it's not going to happen any time soon. Until then, I'll write about it.

Habits can be good or bad. I'm sure I have more good habits than bad. Change can be exciting and frightening at the same time. I'm not opposed to change. I welcome it, when I am in charge of it. As a creature of habit, unforeseen changes are hard to accept at first. What are some of your habits or routines?

Are We Willing To Change?

Why is it so easy to fall into a same routine? Humans are creatures of habit. We tend to stick to what we know. Change is scary. And who likes the unknown? I definitely do not. I fight it, resist it and finally I give in. It's never an easy adjustment for me.

I repeatedly follow the same routine. Because it's familiar to me. It's what works for me. Changing my routine will take huge effort on my part. I feel like I need to shake things up. My routine has become mundane. I'm too young to be stuck in a rut. But I feel like I am though.

I need to change. It's just that simple. A major change to my life is long overdue. I've outgrown my comfort zone. I've stayed too long in this one spot. Something has to shake. I'm bored with my mundane routine. I'm so bored I could cry. I am craving the newness. I need it, want it, have to have it. I am searching for my starting point for my change. I'm no longer that girl. It's time to become this woman. She's been waiting in the wings long enough.

Change is inevitable. It is expected and needed. I'm grabbing hold to mine and riding it for all it's worth. Routines are easy whole change is hard. Hard can be extremely more gratifying. Hard work pays off in the end. Are you ready to shake up your routine? What kind of change are you anticipating?

Introspective For Life

I'm not perfect. No where near it. None of us are. I have never wanted to get to my definition of perfect anyway. I am complex and intricate and simple all rolled into one. I love me and am still growing. I am the epitome of a work in progress. My complexity can be a bit much. I know this. But I also know that I'm a woman who's worth the wait, the effort and will always be that woman. All of that makes me think of the song from "Dreamgirls," "I am changing. Trying every way I can. I am changing, I'll be better than I am. I'm hoping to work it out and I know that I can." This describes me in this moment.

I'm working on me. Taking the time to watch the information I take in. I'm eliminating a lot of reality tv as well as the entire genre of urban lit books. I'm getting into motivational literature. I feel like that genre will be more beneficial to my life. I'm still reading the Bible. This also helps with the exploration of my spirituality. I'm intrigued by so many spiritual and religious aspects of life. This def falls in line with my intense thirst for knowledge. I crave it because I
need it.

I'm more insightful now. I'm speaking my life into existence. I am careful with my thoughts and my words. I'm trying my best to eliminate curse words. They aren't necessary. Even if they feel good coming put of my mouth when someone deserves to be read. All of these things are a struggle. The immature pieces of me, which are very few, are being weeded out. I think I've been more adult and mature all of my life because of the childhood I had. I was my mom's backup. That girl can no longer reside inside the woman I'm meant to become. So she has to go. And, I am more than ok with that. I need to let go to move towards my future.

I know I think too much. I am very conscious and cautious with my life and the decisions that I make. I've never been very spontaneous or even rowdy. I'm the oldest and that mothering spirit has been a part of me since birth I believe. I've never really let loose or lost control or just simply wilded out. Nor do I want to do any of that. I'm all about forward progression. I'm letting go of all the things in my past that are keeping me from flying. This blog is def me laying my heart on the line. I figure if I write it out, I'll be more accountable. I'm just ready for the next level of things include life. more so than I've ever been before. I just feel like I'm in a good space and so good thing will come to fruition within me. Whatever is for me, is only for me. I'm so ready. I'm uber excited about my future!!

Musical Moment that coincides with this post: Jennifer Hudson "I Am Changing"