Holding On

Is it healthy or even necessary to hold on to people from one's past? I know I used to be the girl who was cool with staying friends after the relationship ran its course. I think I wanted to prove how adult I was about the relationship ending. For the most part, I've had no problem with ex's staying in their respectable places in my life. I haven't had too many instances where me and a guy have had a truly bad break up. I am Facebook friends with ex's. I have only had one time where an ex came at me sideways via FB messaging. I promptly told him off and deleted him. I'm not here for that drama. I've actually gotten into more drama when an ex has a new boo. That has been the issue for me when it came to maintaining some sort of relationship with these men.

I know that not everyone I meet on this journey are meant to stay. Just like I'm not meant to stay in theirs. Why do some people hold on? Granted there are some that I geniunely miss the friendship. But, the reality is that once that line has been crossed, it's close to impossible to go back the other way. I no longer feel the need to hold on to that connection from my past. It's quite irrelevant to my life right now. I don't pick up the phone to call or text the way I used to. Hell, I have even cut out all of the mass emailing I used to do. I don't want to misrepresent myself as available to my past. I've lived it. I know what happened there, good or bad. It's a chapter in my story but it is not the whole thing. I may get a random text or two. And, any man who attempts to communicate with me already know who I am and what I'm about.

I'm not impressed anymore with the emotions of the past. I dealt with any lingering feelings in the proper and improper ways a long time ago. Before I allowed myself to move up & on, I knew in my heart that I was not holding a torch for any man. I was completely over everything in 2009. It took me a long time to actually deal with what was in my heart then. But, I did. And, I was a better woman for it. In the end, I wish no one in my past dating life any harm. If I see them, I'll speak. May even hold a conversation. Hope they know not to take anything I do as flirting at this stage. I'm not here for that. The girl that I was years ago grew up. She became a woman in her own right, at her own pace. I thought keeping lines of communication open made me seem more adult, more mature. When, in fact, it just kept me chained to my past. I learned that lesson the hard way. But, I learned it!! That was the most important part. In hindsight, I've learned that some people just do not deserve a place in my present day life. That isn't mean. It just shows that they were season or reason people and not lifetime people. No more holding on.

A Question Inspires This Writer

"Can you have a future if your past is present?" Carrie Bradshaw, SATC

While watching an old "Sex and the City" episode, this question by Carrie got me to thinking. I have a past. You have a past. We all have one. But how can you move forward when and/or if your past keeps making an appearance in your present. How exactly does one move on when an ex won't stay in your past? There is a fine line we have to walk when it comes to remaining friends with an ex.

The reality is that at some point the two people who are now exes were friends. Sometimes soul mates dissipate. Love falls apart. Love turns to hate. The road gets really slippery. Love can be a tricky thing. One never really knows what the outcome of a relationship will ever be. People fall in and out of love and relationships easily. Thus is life. Relationships begin and end that quickly. we are humans and we are all seeking our mates.

Even relationships of mine that have ended in anger and fussing and fighting, are now at a point where me and an ex can be cordial. It's been years and what's the point of holding a grudge? I do not feel the need to keep in constant contact with them. It's just not important to me where I am in my life. A phone call, email, or text once in a while to catch up is enough for me. I don't harbor no hate for any of them. No bad feelings or love either. Besides, I think my current life does not need validation or visits from my past. An ex is an ex for a reason. I once had expectations of those men and we failed. "He" was not meant to play a part in my future.

I believe that the answer to Carrie's question is simple. One can not get to their future if they are constantly confronted with their past in their present. There will be no future if one keeps engaging themselves in their past lives. The past is the past. It is nice for the memories and to measure one's growth. It does not determine where one will end up. It has no true bearing on my future and I won't allow it to. So, maybe being friendly with an ex from a distance is the key. Are you or your significant other friends with an ex? Is it causing issues in your current situation?