"Do you have a 5, 10 year plan?" he quietly asked. That question used to cripple me. Only because I never knew exactly what the right answer was supposed to be. It's like the "describe yourself in 5 words" question. Such a hard question to fully answer. This time, I had an answer. Because the older I get, the more focused I am becoming. My ultimate goal is to write a novel. That's the easy part, proclaiming my future. The hard part deciding what to write, what particular story to tell. In college, I started working on a novel. I was heavily influenced by the literature that I was taking in. I was all about the urban lit genre. I gobbled it up. I read just about every highly praised street lit book. The story lines were new and exciting to me. Mainly because they were all so foreign to my life.
I grew up in the hood but I was never a street chick. I was enthralled with that lifestyle in the pages of those books. My first attempt at writing my novel was unauthentic to me. It wasn't my voice or my story to tell. So I destroyed it. I sent all of those words to a fiery death. I didn't want anyone to read them. They were awful. Now, I am more focused on telling a story that speaks of my heart. I know that I want to create great characters who have depth that just happen to be Black. My plot and story have to be awesome. I am leaning more towards a romantic comedy edge. That is what piques my interest. I want people to get so lost in my world that the race of my characters means nothing. I just want to write a beautiful moving piece of work. It's easier said than done.
Anyone who proclaims to be a writer knows how hard it is to share your art with the world. My words are like my babies. It's hard to give the world your heart because everyone isn't going to love what you do. I have tough skin but my heart is fairly fragile. It's the one thing hindering me. I have decided to just do it. Just go for it. I have to know if I have the literary chops to make it. I feel it deep in my heart that I do. I know once I have my work published, I am opening ng myself up to the criticism of the world. People will have their strong opinions about it. Some will love it, others will hate it. I have to accept that fact. I know I won't be able to satisfy all of the readers with my work. I have to accept that fact.
Finding and perfecting my literary voice has been a tedious task. I do not want to tell a story that has already been told. I cannot be a carbon copy of the writers I love. It's one of the main reason I love my blog. I get to write my story in my voice here. Writing is a skill that needs to be sharpened. It can only be accomplished by writing in mass quantity with mass quality. I pour my heart out here. I'm hoping that I can translate that passion into my novel. I am putting it out into the universe that I will write that special piece of literary gold. I'm focused on doing the work to achieve that. My mind, heart and literary voice are all in sync. Remember my name and this particular post. I know what my future holds.
In our day to day lives, there comes a time where sacrifices have to be made. Some times they are small ones. Other times, they are huge ones. What are you sacrificing and why are you doing it? I've been thinking a lot about sacrifices in my life. Thinking about all that I've given up in the last few years. And, how much better I've become because of those sacrifices. The reward has been well worth the sacrifice.
Time is a factor that I play with all the time. I have sacrifices my clubbing time for things more substantial things. Going out is cool. But, for me, it's been over done. I lived in a nightclub for years. I loved it but I'm over it. From the ages of 14 to about 25, there wasn't a week that I wasn't in some club. I loved everything about it, especially the music & time with friends. To me, that's a very small sacrifice. I am no longer the woman that craves the nightlife.
It's easy to sacrifice when one is trying to better themselves, their situation, and life. That's a no brainer. It's an effort to give up the good in order to go to the great. I used to get my nails done faithfully every two weeks. I realized that the acrylic was killing my nails. I sacrificed something asethetic for something real. It's taken my nails years to fully recover from the damage I willingly did to them. Change can be good.
Sacrifices are a part of life. We all have to choose what we are willing to sacrifice to get to the next place in life. The choice is what makes us as humans so special. We get to choose what we want to give up. I love having he freedom to do just that. Sacrifice isn't a difficult word. The implementation of the word may be hard depending on who you are. I sacrificed for my greater good and the future that I want for myself. That is the greatest reason to sacrifice any and every thing.
There's this seven day challenge in Tumblr that involves writing letters. I thought that on that had to be addressed to your future child was the most interesting. It was also the easiest on to write for me. I wrote it first. Thought I would share it here so I could have a way of keeping it to show my firstborn. Here goes...
Dear Ms. K,
I have loved you before you were even conceived. I dreamed of you for years. I was made to be your Mommie. You are everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I never knew I could love one little person so much. I could stare in your little brown face for hours. You are my definition of perfect. Your Daddy and I are so proud to be your parents.
I’m gonna want to protect you from the world. Your Daddy won’t let anyone hurt you. We will teach you everything we know. Especially passing on our shared love of music, poetry, and literature. He will teach you all he knows about math, cooking, and computer programming. I will hip you to politics, the arts and the beauty of nail polish. We will encourage your active imagination. Knowledge will be a center theme in our house and your life. We will take great pleasure in watching your face light up as you learn new things and “teach” them to us.
Laughter is a must. It will be abundant in our house. We want you to do, be whatever you want. We will give all of ourselves to you in order for you to succeed. I want to have an open door policy with you. I want you to be comfortable enough to discuss any thing with me. I will be as honest as possible with you. I will tell you all the things I did that may not have turned out the way I thought they would. We will encourage you to express your emotions. And, no matter what, you should always remember that we love you. And everything we do is because of that. I know you won’t always be happy with the decisions we will make for you. But we will always have your best interests at heart. That’s our job.
And yes, we will probably spoil you. But it will be ok because you will be ours. The best thing your Daddy and I will ever do is to be the parents of you and your five (!!) siblings. We may not have all the answers but we will have an abundance of love. Because we love you now and this is only theoretical. We can’t wait to meet you, hold you, kiss you. We’ve talked about the possibility of you often. We have since the beginning of our relationship. Mommie and Daddy are ready to begin this journey with you. I know when the time is right, you will make your appearance so until we meet…
I Love You,
Mommie!
To reduce or not to reduce. That is the question. Since I was about 20 years old, I have been going back and forth on the idea of a breast reduction. Not because I think that they are too big. But, I have always had issues with my shoulders and back. I was super serious about the surgery in summer 2005. I had a consultation with a surgeon and had a date set for the procedure. Then, a little hurricane by the name of Katrina came along and changed all my plans. The surgery wasn't important any more.
The older I get, the more I am leaning away from the surgery. Besides the fact that I absolutely hate hospitals. The idea of being put under local anesthesia freaks me out. I do not like pain, I avoid it at all times. So, the recovery from this surgery would not be something I would be looking forward to. The more thought that I've put into this decision, the more I am seeing things differently. I think the main deciding factor is the fact that having this surgery could hamper my chances of breast-feeding when I have kids. I know that when I have kids, I will be breastfeeding. And, to have this surgery could wipe that option out. That's enough for me to not entertain the thought any more.
It's funny how much one's opinion on a subject can change with age. At 20, I was not thinking about kids or my future past school. At 31, these things are always on my mind. I am now quite used to the pain associated with being heavily endowed. So for now, I'll just continue buying better bras until the day I'm blessed with a baby. My Mother has said for years that my breasts will shrink when I have kids. Apparently it's a family trait. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
The task - Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?
Dear Me,
In 2011, you will have a year like no other. You opened your heart & will receive the love & life you deserve. Be prepared to reach your idea of total contentment. By December 2015, your life will be complete. By then, your dream of writing that book will have been realized. You will be married to your best friend, your partner, the love of your life. The two of you will be the parents of a son, two girls and you will be pregnant again. Happiness is found for you in the family and life you've created. Life, in general, will be good for you. This all comes to fruition because you let down your walls and let go of fear to embrace your destiny. Enjoy the ride because its about to get to the good part. Love, live, and laugh more than you ever have. These are the times that memories are made. I love the woman you are and the woman you will be on five years.
Love always,
Kenda Calandra!
Fear. A word I despise. An emotion that I feel makes me weak & takes away from the woman I am. There isn't much I fear. But, the ones I do have are pretty big. So much so that I feel like one in particular is preventing me from moving forward. That fear is failure. Failure in love to be specific. I think that would be the most tragic thing of all.
I'm afraid of failing at the one thing I know I need. I feel as if I will mess up love the next time it comes my way. The reason why I feel this way is because I feel like I messed it up the last time. I've only been in love once. And, it ended badly on all accounts. I was good & I was bad in that situation. I can't blame everything on him. Thus, being why I'm scared to open myself up to a new situation. I don't wanna hurt someone else. Because you know "hurt people hurt people." I'm to the point that I actually tense up @ the mere thought of it. This isn't good or healthy. Nor is it the life I want for me.
This fear is preventing me from getting to my future, from getting to my happy. I don't want to be the woman with regrets. That's not a life. In ten years, I don't want to look back & wonder what if. I want to be married with kids and enjoying my life. And, not embracing my fear. I know that I'm the only person who can get me from under the weight of my fear. I'm working on it. It's not going away as fast as I would like though. That frustrates me on some level. But, I refuse to give up. Al I can do is pray & push forward. I just hope that the person I'm sure my future lies with is still standing there with his arms open for me when I finally breakthrough. *fingers crossed & paryers sent up*
"The only thing we need to fear is fear itself, nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." - President Franklin D. Roosevelt
