What is it about the age of 30 that sets off ideas of what one should be doing? I will be 33 this year. I can say that with a smile on my face. It kills me that others think that they know what's best for me. I hate the "so when are you going to have a baby" conversations almost as much as the "you know you aren't getting any younger." I know exactly how old I am. I'm well read on the advantages and disadvantages of having babies later in life. I don't need to be reminded of the fact that I haven't accomplished motherhood yet.
I don't want to be commended for not having a child (and furthermore being a single mom) nor do I want to be sympathized with because I've never been pregnant. It's the ultimate catch 22. As a teen and my early 20's, I knew inherently that getting pregnant would not be in my best interest. I was not ready for a baby. I didn't want to disappoint my Mom. I never wanted to be a single mom because I watched my Mom do it. I was raised in that struggle. It was hard. I didn't think I was built for it. I've always loved babies. I have not always loved the idea of having my own.
Some people approach the topic with me in the complete wrong way. I've been told that me not having a baby yet makes me less of a woman. It seems as if other people can hear my biological clock ticking louder than I can. I definitely do want babies. Little girls and boys who look and act like me would make my heart smile. I know nothing happens until it is time. I do not have any control over this. I'm ok with that. When it happens, I'll be over the moon excited! So, do me a favor. If you can hear my biological clock ticking, do me a favor & keep that info to yourself. Please and thanks in advance. I'll leave things like procreation in the hands of my God. He's always on time.
I do not know if its an age thing. I will be 32 this year in December. Or if it's the fact that I just recently became an Aunt for the 7th time last week. Or if its that babies just smell so incredibly good. But, thoughts of babies have clouded my thoughts a lot lately. It's amazing to me how this happened. I used to be the girl who swore I would never have kids. I've played the "Mommy" role since as far back as I could remember. I am the oldest and I am the boss. But, now I want babies. My own. I want to be pregnant I want to watch my body grow and carry a child. I want to feel him/her kick for the first time. I want to be able to feel my baby move within my tummy. I crave these things.
I used to have an intense fear of parenthood. I realized that what I feared the most was single parenthood. I watched my Mom go above and beyond to provide for me and Kendrick. She worked so hard. I did not want that for me. I did not want to raise a child without the Father in the house. I needed my Dad so much growing up. I yearned for him. That was an ache, a hole my Mom could not fill. She was and still is amazing in my eyes. But, there are some things a woman cannot teach her daughter about men or teach her son about becoming a man. Kids need both parents. So I convinced myself that I didn't want kids because I wasn't too sold on the idea of marriage.
And, now, I feel differently. I think about what my kids will look like, who they will be, when I will meet them. I feel like they are my destiny. I think I would be a great Mom because I am aware of myself. I feel my heart swell when I'm around kids. Especially when they tell me they love me. I cannot wait to hear my babies call me "Mommie." I am overcome with emotions when I think of it. Babies are a beautiful thing. I also realize that I wasn't mentally or emotionally ready for a baby in my 20's. I did not know that then. But, I am fully aware of it now.
