I've been tortured by one singular thought lately. I've had nightmares about it. It's been on my mind constantly. That issue has been children & the probability of me ever having any. It's no secret that I'm 33. I believed that my window of opportunity was fast lying closing. And, that frightened me. Then, there was a moment of divine intervention. The latest issue of Glamour magazine had been collecting dust on my coffee table for a week. I didn't have any real intention of reading it. But, I picked it up and flipped through it. As I was oohing and aahing over the fashions and perfumes, I came across an article that made me stop. The article was about women freezing their eggs. The article was enlightening. But, there was a graph in the corner of the 3rd page that held my interest. It broke down fertility rates in women over 30. It calmed down my fears. Fears that even my doctor couldn't stop me from having. The graph was extremely detailed. I have no idea what my future holds. I'm no longer apprehensive of it never happening. I still dream about that little brown girl and boy. I already know their names. Maybe one day my dream will come to fruition. For now, I have let this fear go. I've prayed about it. And I know whatever is for me, will always be for me.
What is it about the age of 30 that sets off ideas of what one should be doing? I will be 33 this year. I can say that with a smile on my face. It kills me that others think that they know what's best for me. I hate the "so when are you going to have a baby" conversations almost as much as the "you know you aren't getting any younger." I know exactly how old I am. I'm well read on the advantages and disadvantages of having babies later in life. I don't need to be reminded of the fact that I haven't accomplished motherhood yet.
I don't want to be commended for not having a child (and furthermore being a single mom) nor do I want to be sympathized with because I've never been pregnant. It's the ultimate catch 22. As a teen and my early 20's, I knew inherently that getting pregnant would not be in my best interest. I was not ready for a baby. I didn't want to disappoint my Mom. I never wanted to be a single mom because I watched my Mom do it. I was raised in that struggle. It was hard. I didn't think I was built for it. I've always loved babies. I have not always loved the idea of having my own.
Some people approach the topic with me in the complete wrong way. I've been told that me not having a baby yet makes me less of a woman. It seems as if other people can hear my biological clock ticking louder than I can. I definitely do want babies. Little girls and boys who look and act like me would make my heart smile. I know nothing happens until it is time. I do not have any control over this. I'm ok with that. When it happens, I'll be over the moon excited! So, do me a favor. If you can hear my biological clock ticking, do me a favor & keep that info to yourself. Please and thanks in advance. I'll leave things like procreation in the hands of my God. He's always on time.
This was the cover of Time magazine last week. It had to be done to evoke strong emotions from people. It has become one of the controversies of last week. My first reaction was disbelief followed quickly by slight disgust. I have no issues with breastfeeding. I think the act is beyond nurturing and natural. My reaction has to do with the child's age. The kid looks 6 but he's actually almost 4. Which by the way, I think its way too old to me. Breastfeeding has been a hot topic for as long as I can remember. I wasn't expecting to see this image on a magazine cover.
I have plans to breastfeed when I have kids. It's WHAT I've always wanted to do. I know, from my own research, that it is healthier for the babies. It's also been proven that breastfed babies are smarter and have better immune systems. I would pump as well as feed from my breasts. I want to have the connection with my kids if I am able to. That's my personal choice. What I'm not a big supporter of is breastfeeding in public. I wouldn't do it. That's why I would pump beforehand.
The reason the Time magazine cover is so shocking and ridiculous to me is the child's age. The kid is almost 4 and he looks 6 easily. I believe if a child is potty trained and can speak full sentences than he/she does not need to be attached to my breast. I will not be breastfeeding a 3 year old. I think, if possible, that I would want to breastfeed my children until they were 18 - 24 months. Anything past that could lead to issues. I would hate for my child to cause a scene behind my breast in public. To each their own but this future Mommie is not for it. That's not the life I want to live.
The magazine cover puts a face and an image to a real issue. I've read stories of women breastfeeding school aged kids. That is a problem for me. It reminds me of the oral fixation stage that Freud made popular. He says that weaning a child too early or too late can lead to problems later on in life. These problems can be overeating, sarcastic oral personality, nail biting, sexual oral fixation and others. As a woman, I don't know why anyone would want to be tied down to breastfeeding a child for 3, 5, or 7 years. That's insane to me! I just don't think that would be feasible. Breastfeeding is the way I plan on going. I just won't stay on that road for years and years.
I do not know if its an age thing. I will be 32 this year in December. Or if it's the fact that I just recently became an Aunt for the 7th time last week. Or if its that babies just smell so incredibly good. But, thoughts of babies have clouded my thoughts a lot lately. It's amazing to me how this happened. I used to be the girl who swore I would never have kids. I've played the "Mommy" role since as far back as I could remember. I am the oldest and I am the boss. But, now I want babies. My own. I want to be pregnant I want to watch my body grow and carry a child. I want to feel him/her kick for the first time. I want to be able to feel my baby move within my tummy. I crave these things.
I used to have an intense fear of parenthood. I realized that what I feared the most was single parenthood. I watched my Mom go above and beyond to provide for me and Kendrick. She worked so hard. I did not want that for me. I did not want to raise a child without the Father in the house. I needed my Dad so much growing up. I yearned for him. That was an ache, a hole my Mom could not fill. She was and still is amazing in my eyes. But, there are some things a woman cannot teach her daughter about men or teach her son about becoming a man. Kids need both parents. So I convinced myself that I didn't want kids because I wasn't too sold on the idea of marriage.
And, now, I feel differently. I think about what my kids will look like, who they will be, when I will meet them. I feel like they are my destiny. I think I would be a great Mom because I am aware of myself. I feel my heart swell when I'm around kids. Especially when they tell me they love me. I cannot wait to hear my babies call me "Mommie." I am overcome with emotions when I think of it. Babies are a beautiful thing. I also realize that I wasn't mentally or emotionally ready for a baby in my 20's. I did not know that then. But, I am fully aware of it now.
"I'm tryna make us 3 from the 2 still the 1" - Beyonce' "Countdown" With the cutest announcement at last week's MTV VMA's, Beyonce and Jay Z stole the show. they are having a baby! Congrats to them! In the week that has followed the announcement, I have read some of the most ridiculous things about this unborn baby and pregnancy. Things I can not wrap my head around. So, I won't. I will just continue to be happy for them. I will also block out the nonsense that some people clearly believe. I will not drink the kool-aid.
There is a blogger that has decided that Beyonce is faking her pregnancy. Really? Seriously? I do not get that at all. But then again this woman hates Beyonce, Jay Z, President Obama alike. A baby is a blessing, plain and simple. I have read that people thought the way the Carters announced their pregnancy was tacky and calculated. I personally believe that they took the power away from the paps, media, and gossip rags by telling THEIR own business themselves. What a way to cut out the middle man. I thought the anti-announcement on the MTV VMA's Black carpet was cute. And, I LOVED Beyonce's performance and Jay Z's reaction. Then again, I am a fan of both.
There has also been a backlash against single mothers. I keep seeing people tweet/tumble/post that Beyonce did it the right way. She dated, got married and then had a baby. Granted that is the way we were all taught to do things. I am not doubting that. But, the reality is that single parenthood is more prevalent than not. This is our societal norm. I do not knock single parents. I am the product of one. And, what is even funnier is the fact that my parents were married. Things fall apart. I would never base my life decisions on any celebrity. I will not be having a baby because Jay and Bey are having one. That is just crazy. Anyone who thinks like that may need some help as well.
As a fan, I loved that the normally very quiet about their personal life Carters let us in on a secret. The excitement in both of their faces was amazing. That was the look of love that night. I do not get caught up in conspiracy theories. To me, they are two great entertainers who happen to be married, in love, and expecting their first child. That is a beautiful thing. All they owe the world is to entertain us. That is all. Ain't love grand?
This blog is a labor of love and struggle. I did not want to write this. I had to write this. I have been searching for the words for this blog all week. I still don't know if this will sum up all of my feelings on the subject. Babies or rather the lack of them in my life. I have been disturbed for the last 6 years about family and friends questioning me about them. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be a Mom. I think I would be great at it. I've had more than enough practice.
I can't believe that some folks would have the audacity to question my choices. It's as if me not having children makes me less of a woman. Or that a life without children, if I chose that, would be unfulfilled or not worth living. I hate that I allow the people I love to make me feel that way. I also hate that they feel the need to even go there. I have a family member who shall remain nameless who asked me "So, Kenda, when are you gonna have a baby? You know you're getting up there in age." The look on my face was priceless. What I wanted to say was so to the point but what have ended in me calling her a bitch. However, I refrained and responded "I guess that will happen after I get a husband. Seeing as though I've waited this long, I might as well do things in the right order." That was a dog but it was justified. Clearly, she pissed me off!! My response was indeed how I feel.
Maybe loved ones should think before they speak. It's just rude. I know that my age has a lot to do with their questioning. But I'm not ancient. Hell, I'm only 31 years old. I've never been pregnant. Only thought I really was once before. I was relieved when the test was negative. I was 22 and didn't want any part of motherhood. Now almost 10 years later, that feeling is totally opposite of what I feel now. I don't express that thought with many. I don't think I can. Yes, I know I'm blogging about it. But this is different. This is for me and my readers.
I don't think that my existence will only be validated if and when I have a child. I cannot let myself believe that. I don't think I've ever been pregnant because it wasn't time. I wasn't ready before. I wasn't in the right relationship before. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe this. I love kids. My nephews, nieces and Godchildren all hold special spots in my heart. I think it will happen when it's supposed to. And, in the event that it doesn't happen naturally, I will have to be ok with it. Adoption or surrogacy are both viable options. I just know that my children are a part of my future. I already have them named.
It's hard to randomly choose just one defining moment in my life. I am sitting here trying to think of a significant moment in my life thus far. There have been quite a few so I'm not sure which one to pick. Ok here goes a good one.
On April 16, 2001, my life changed. A little girl was born and she captured my heart. Her name is DaShira, we call her Shi. She's my 9 year old God-daughter. She's grown up to be an intelligent, adorable, opinionated and bubbly little girl. But, the moment I held her in my arms, I fell in love with her and the idea of having kids. This was a big deal to me because prior to that, I was anti-kids. Probably because I am the oldest of 6. I've been the mommy of my group of friends, even though I'm the youngest one. But, that one moment changed how I saw my future. This thought was reinforced by the fact that I babysat her everyday for the first month of her life. She is still my baby and I'm her Nanna. Now, I haven't fulfilled this particular epiphany yet. But, I still fell the same way I did on that day. I seriously have to stop writing before I begin to cry.
