Last night, I read this dope article by Demetria L. Lucas (aka A Belle In Brooklyn). The title "Why Don't Men Get Brokenhearted" was enough to get me to read it. As this is a topic I've thought about often. Men and women are just different when it comes to handling the end of a relationship. I think men compartmentalize their emotions. Women do not. No matter how strong a woman is when her heart has been broken, all bets are off. I really hate that opening yourself up to love also comes with the possibility of having your heart broken. It truly sucks. It reminds me of that quote "Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you and trusting them not to." And, the reality is that heartbreak changes you. What exactly do you do when you've been destroyed? How do you pick yourself up from that? I still have no clue. This article opened my eyes to some things. My favorite part of her article was this:
For clarity, men are not women with penises. Via nature, they're wired differently, and via nurture (i.e., socialization) they're usually taught to respond differently from women -- for instance, holding back tears that women might let flow or clamming up when women would want to talk.
Some women make the mistake of assuming that men don't have feelings just because, in general, they don't express them the same way women do. And some women use that faulty reasoning to treat men with less care than they should, which is never OK. Expressing their feelings differently doesn't mean men don't have them.
It sounds as if you may be in the midst of your own heartbreak and don't understand why the object of your affection doesn't feel the way you do.
I've been here in this broken place twice. Which is two times too many if you ask me. I know how I "handle" heartbreak. Handle being the operative word. I cry a lot. I write until my fingers hurt. I listen to music that only speaks to that exact emotion which in turn makes me cry even more. I drink too much. I think way too much. But, what I don't do is talk a lot. I hold my cards very close to the chest. I don't want everyone to know how sad I am or how broken I feel or even how angry I am. I keep almost all of that trapped inside me. I have male friends who've gone through breakup's but they never act like I do. Except the drinking. That seems to be a given. I know that men and women are different. Women can be too emotional but men are culturally programmed to not show emotions. It's just odd. It makes me question so many things. Granted I would not be ok with a man bawling in front of me on a daily. That's not what I want. The article just really stuck with me. For reasons. It was very interesting and I had to share.
They say that people are put into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime. It's also said that many of us try to make reason or season people into lifetime people. We do this based solely on what we feel at the time. I can never figure out where people belong when they come into my life. Especially during. I never know. And, I truly hate when I've pegged someone totally wrong. Because then I feel betrayed. I am trying my best to be my most authentic self. Trying to not be so blunt and holding my tongue about certain things while also not being so emotional. I've had so much time to be introspective lately. I want to be better, be more than I am. I feel like I'm becoming a more mature version of myself while avoiding becoming complacent about my life.
A "reason" person is introduced for a short time to teach a lesson. There is something they know that I need to know. When the lesson is learned, they'll move on. A "season" person is introduced during a time where we need them. That season could last a short period of time or a long one. But, that person won't be around for life. A season/reason person will fade away from your life like evaporation. You'll miss them but you'll understand. A "lifetime" person will be the one who makes the most substantial difference in your life. A "lifetime" person usually comes in the form of a soul mate. The person you meet who changes the way your world is. This is the person we're all searching for.
This has been on my mind for weeks. Differentiating between the three. Taking a good look at who's in my life. I've always kept this Peyton Sawyer quote ("People always leave.") in the back of my mind. It's been true more often than not in my life. But, the reality is we can't make people stay in our lives when they are determined to go. No matter how hard we love them or how much we beg them to stay. No one is here by accident. If we've met or interacted, it was supposed to happen. I do not get why certain situations have played out the way they have. But, I know everything happens for a reason. And maybe those reasons aren't meant to be known by me...yet. I just wish my vision was clearer on seeing the categories that people belong to in my life. Reason, season, or lifetime. All the pieces matter.
These are all titles which define our roles in life. We all get very comfortable in the roles we are assigned. Sometimes way too comfortable. But, what do you do when those roles don't belong to you anymore. When you're no longer someone's daughter or friend or lover. How do you reorganize your life? If you're anything like me, you have a tough time with this sort of change. When one person leaves and takes your assigned role with them, it causes your life to spin into disarray. It's hard to catch your footing again while trying to redefine who you are again. I still do not know what the appropriate way to do this is. Things change constantly in life. Learning how to change with it cannot always be an easy task.
We need people to fit into this perfect little niches that we created for them. We include them in our world because of what they make us feel. For the most part, that feeling is love. If I let you in, it's a big deal. I am counting on you staying in my life. And, if/when that person leaves for whatever reasons, it always feels really personal. I miss them for way to long. I could never ascribe that particular role to another. It will always belong to the one who left. I'm weird that way. My words matter. I wish I knew the right way to deal with these changes. But, I have failed miserably at trying to figure it out. So, I come here and blog about it for the world to see. With the notion that maybe there is someone out there who has a different course of action that I can take. Sometimes we take people for granted. Sometimes we don't tell them enough how much they matter in our worlds. And, by the time we remember to do so, they are gone. So, this is my way of telling my people that I love each and every one of them. I value their existence in my life even when I don't show it. That's a role they will always play in my life and in my heart.
We all have baggage. Be it from childhood, love, friendship or work. Baggage. It can be the thing that makes or breaks us. Sometimes we allow our things to get in the way of forward progression. I know I have slight abandonment/Daddy issues stemming from my Dad not being around 24/7 when I was a kid. Because of this, I have a fear that people I love and get close to will leave. These are things I work at constantly. Through all of that, I am not afraid of love. I've learned that love is nothing to fear. Love is the one thing in the world that makes everything worth experiencing it. Baggage can be physical, mental or emotional. Some carry all three with them. Some never even acknowledge it. I knew I couldn't be one of those people. I needed to work on me. I am currently and constantly a work in progress. That's what we all should be.
This quote really stuck with me when I read it the other day. Yes, I've seen it before. But, I think I finally get it. All the things that happen to us in life, whether good or bad, we carry with us. My favorite Uncle Larry gave me some advice that I've never forgotten. He said "In any relationships, you should be teaching someone something and vice versa." Any of my baggage that can be perceived as negative are things I need to work out within. I do not want to project that onto anyone else. I always want to be the person someone remembers with fondness. I know there are some who won't ever feel that way about me. I'm fine with that because more than likely the feeling is mutual. But, in general, I want to leave a lasting positive impression. I'm learning to let go. I don't want my baggage to negative affect someone I love. Your baggage can hold you back from so many things. Pack light, folks. A person's baggage should be light enough to fit into a carry on. No one should have to help you unpack a full luggage set. One should love themselves enough to want that for their lives. Baggage can be the difference between living your life or just existing in it. I know which one I've chosen. What about you guys?
...about relationships, I actually learned through trial and error. I spent years listening to my Mom, Aunts, cousins, friends, and articles. What I realized is that too much input makes the outcome bad. I had to cut off all the voices outside and listen to my heart. In that moment, I grew. I do not know it all. I just know what I want and need. I know what I will and won't accept. Some times, I read some things that really make me shake my head. This article made me laugh. A friend of mine pointed me to it via Facebook. This "list" is ridiculous. My initial thoughts on the list are bolded below. Take a look at this nonsense.
1)He spoils you. (Is this a bad thing?? Since when??)
2)He advises you often. (What's wrong with this? We all need advice from time to time.)
3)You don't feel happy without sex. (Sex is great., wonderful, fantastic. But, if your only happiness comes from it, there is a problem. I agree.
4)You're gaining weight. (Weight gain in a happy relationship tends to happen. It's a scientific fact.)
5)You are losing weight. (What if you've started working out with your mate? Losing weight would be the results. I call bs on this.)
6)You feel distant from your friends. (In a new relationship, it is normal to get caught up in the relationship. There will be some distance because you are investing in the new relationship.)
7)You feel distant from your parents. (This is just weird. If a relationship causes you to turn away from your parents, run. Fast. This is def not healthy & I agree.)
8)You're not sleeping well. (Well, if the reason you're losing sleep is because of great all night conversations and sex, I do not see what the problem is.)
9)You check your phone often.(I am always checking my phone because I am always anticipating the next great text from HIM or phone call.)
10)You're reading every relationship article. (Women do this whether in a relationship or not. Whether it's good or not.)
11)You're talking to everyone about it. (What? If you are happy in your relationship, you tend to talk about it. You want others to know. Why wouldn't I talk about it.)
12)You're dressing bland. (A relationship wouldn't do this to me.)
13)You/he feels lazy. (I agree with this one.)
14)You feel relieved around his friends/family. (This one is just weird. I don't get it.)
15)You're always together. (I agree with this one. Couples need lives outside of the relationship.)
I've read alot of relationship articles over the years. It's habit at this point. I mean, I live for Cosmo magazine. There was more than one thing wrong with this one. I sometimes feel with articles n online magazines are done at the last minute and for shock value. This one in particular, seems silly on so many levels. I do not know the author. But, she clearly has issues with relationships. This list is ridiculous to me. Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe I just don't get it. I just thing articles like this lead women on the wrong path. We are bombarded with relationship fixers and standards on tv, online and in print. The reality is what works for one couple may not work for another. That is life. We are all different. We need different things in relationship. There is no other instruction manual available better than the Bible in my opinion. I no longer take relationship advice from my friends or family. I definitely do no take it from articles or books. I follow my heart. Most of us do. I think we all know what's best for us. Let's dish.
It's normal to develop crushes on people especially celebs. I have a few. So does my guy. We've discussed them in depth. While having a conversation with my HIM today, an interesting topic came up. That idea if the day ever arrived that he met his crush, he would have a "pass." For those who aren't familiar, a pass is like me giving my ok for him to be with this actress. What followed was an hilarious conversation about limits, rules and regulations. There was a lot of laughing during this conversation. I began to think about how I truly, deeply felt about the idea. I came to an interesting conclusion.
He has a thing for a few celebs but this one certain actress in particular. I know this. If I see pictures of her, I post them on Tumblr for him. So, you can say, in a way I indulge his crush. I think it's cute. I told him that for this particular actress, I would have to give him a pass. For those that don't know, a pass is like me giving my ok for him to be with this actress. He said that I wouldn't be ok with it. That I would be hurt if by some chance he meet her & had sex with her. I said it for one reason and one reason alone. The probability of him meeting her is slim to none. I would love to believe that I'm so evolved that I would be able to handle a situation like this.
The truth of the matter is I think he's right. I'm too selfish and spoiled. He's mine. Not in the "I own him" kind of way but more in the "he's mine." I know myself well enough to know that even the thought of him being with someone else makes me see red. I cannot even comprehend that. Even if the woman is a celeb. She is still a woman. And, I don't want any woman with my man but me. It's funny because when I gave him the "pass" I believed I could do it. But I was wrong. He made it perfectly clear that he would not be giving me a pass for either of the two actors I have a crush on. He did not laugh at all. His jealousy is cute. He is just like me. We do not want to share. I'm more than ok with that.
Clearly, there will be no passes given in this relationship. Neither of us are ok with it. Let me just say that if I ever meet one Idris Elba, I will refrain from flirting with him. I'll try my best not to get caught up in his sexy accent. I wouldn't want HIM to give me the cold shoulder. I know that celebs are just human beings like the rest of them. Why would I want to mess up my great thing for one night? That question alone puts it all into perspective for me. Passes may be cool for some. But we aren't in that number. Has anyone ever being given a pass? Would you give one? Let's discuss.
*STATUS JACKED* Females, lets be clear....and REAL....a man isn't cheating with you because you are so good at being the other woman....he's cheating with you because you aren't good enough to be THE woman. I laugh at women that brag about being the "go to" woman when the man gets bored at home, & you try to put down a submissive woman for being who God designed her to be. Learn what submission really means. A submissive woman is far from weak, because a true submissive woman knows how to carry the load for him and her both without him even having to know it. She knows how to speak to his spirit & not his lusts. She knows how to push him to his dreams instead of pulling him to destruction. She knows how to pray with him and not play with him. She knows how to be quiet even when her flesh wants to speak. She knows the value of his hard work & not just his dollar. A submissive woman is his "LIFETIME" but you are just a "GOOD TIME"...and that's all you will ever be. He knows that he can throw a few dollars & material possessions your way & that's all you will ever expect. The other woman makes it easy for a man, the submissive woman makes it easy for herself by making him EARN & not buy her. You are the O.T.H.E.R. woman...an Overplayed Toy He Eventually Releases.....#YOUAREOFFICIALLY RELEASED
The above is a Facebook status that has popped up over my timeline for about a week now. It is, in my opinion, one of the stupidest things I've seen on Facebook. And, I have seen some foolish things on that site. When I first read this, I thought to myself "How ridiculous is this?" I didn't give it another thought...until 2 days later, when this same status popped up again and again. Now, I am not a married woman but I have common sense. I am also a woman who's been cheated on and I grew up in a house where my Father cheated. So, I think I have a really good grasp of the situation from a few standpoints. My conclusion is that the "wife" who proclaimed the above is a sad woman. That's all I was thinking while reading it.
In an attempt to put "the other woman" in her place, "the wife" exposes her insecurities and what's going on in her marriage. I do not condone cheating ever. But, as a woman, I do not fall in line with the thought that addressing the other woman fixes the problem. If my husband was cheating on me, he is who I will address. He is the one who violated our vows. He is the only guilty party in my mind since he is the one I married. The status above spends a lot of time trying to talk down to the other woman instead of facing the real issue. The real issue is her husband cheated. For whatever reason, he decided to step outside of the marriage. Everything about that status irks me. There is nothing noble, good or right about being a man's #1 woman, especially if there are other women in his life, standing in line behind you. I have to be the ONLY woman in a man's life. I do not play well with others when it comes to my relationship. I'm not into sharing a man.
My response: There is so much wrong with this post. This is a woman's insane attempt at "reading" her HUSBAND's side chick. The problem is that her husband is cheating on her. No matter how wrong the other woman is (and yes she is dead wrong) the person she should be handling is her husband, you know the guy who made vows to her. This does not make the wife look good. It makes all parties involved look stupid.
If the other woman is nothing more than a play thing, then why did this woman feel the need to post this? I would never put my intimate business on Facebook and I cannot understand those that do. What good would that do? What really bothers me about this is the way it spread like wildfire. There were women and men alike were posting this like it was the golden gospel. I was literally speechless at this. I mean, these are intelligent people. And, most of them agreed with this nonsense. I could not be quiet about it. It was stupid and I surely said so. Marriages are between two people. If one of them decides to bring a 3rd in, that is an issue that a husband and wife need to work out. It is not fodder for a social network. It's not something that everyone needs to discuss. Private things need to be kept private. We have become a community of people who are living our private lives publicly. This is a sad state of affairs. I know waaaaayyy too much about certain people. I do not like this. Bottom line, it is never a good idea to invite others opinions into your relationship in any capacity. We, as a whole, need to get back to the days of keeping our private lives private.
Soul mate - (noun) "A person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes, and often a romantic bond." Soul mates is an idea, a notion that I've always believed in. My definition of the term has changed over the years. As children, we are fed the fairytales of Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and the ever present Prince Charming. The story always ends with everyone living happily ever after. These couples are deemed soul mates. A conversation last night sparked the issue of soul mates. Are we only allowed one true soul mate? Have you met your soul mate? I wonder how many people are actively pursuing their soul mates and how many have had the pleasure of meeting and marrying theirs.
I used to naively believe that there was only one true soul mate. That one person who was meant for you. Thankfully, there is wisdom associated with age. I've changed my stance on the issue. I think we meet people who possess the soul mate qualities at different points in life. It mainly has to do with what you are open to in life. If I had meet my soul mate at 22, I would have completely messed it up. I was not looking for a life long commitment at 22. I was fresh out of college, looking for a job and hanging out with my friends. I was not open to a soul mate then. My thoughts and beliefs begin to change and mature around the age of 30. I had been told that this would happen. A light bulb came on.
I decided that I wanted to love someone, truly love them with everything in me. And, I wanted a man who would/could love me in the same way. I had never experienced that before. I had never wanted to. I prayed about it and then I went on with my life. There is a great quote that speaks to this point in my life. It is "...when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." ("The Alchemist" Paulo Coelho) If you are lucky, you will find your soul mate at the perfect time. I was realistic in my wants, in my prayers. I was not a little girl wishing for a Prince Charming. The idea of him never did anything for me. If you're lucky, you will get your soul mate for life. It's what life is made of.
Is it healthy or even necessary to hold on to people from one's past? I know I used to be the girl who was cool with staying friends after the relationship ran its course. I think I wanted to prove how adult I was about the relationship ending. For the most part, I've had no problem with ex's staying in their respectable places in my life. I haven't had too many instances where me and a guy have had a truly bad break up. I am Facebook friends with ex's. I have only had one time where an ex came at me sideways via FB messaging. I promptly told him off and deleted him. I'm not here for that drama. I've actually gotten into more drama when an ex has a new boo. That has been the issue for me when it came to maintaining some sort of relationship with these men.
I know that not everyone I meet on this journey are meant to stay. Just like I'm not meant to stay in theirs. Why do some people hold on? Granted there are some that I geniunely miss the friendship. But, the reality is that once that line has been crossed, it's close to impossible to go back the other way. I no longer feel the need to hold on to that connection from my past. It's quite irrelevant to my life right now. I don't pick up the phone to call or text the way I used to. Hell, I have even cut out all of the mass emailing I used to do. I don't want to misrepresent myself as available to my past. I've lived it. I know what happened there, good or bad. It's a chapter in my story but it is not the whole thing. I may get a random text or two. And, any man who attempts to communicate with me already know who I am and what I'm about.
I'm not impressed anymore with the emotions of the past. I dealt with any lingering feelings in the proper and improper ways a long time ago. Before I allowed myself to move up & on, I knew in my heart that I was not holding a torch for any man. I was completely over everything in 2009. It took me a long time to actually deal with what was in my heart then. But, I did. And, I was a better woman for it. In the end, I wish no one in my past dating life any harm. If I see them, I'll speak. May even hold a conversation. Hope they know not to take anything I do as flirting at this stage. I'm not here for that. The girl that I was years ago grew up. She became a woman in her own right, at her own pace. I thought keeping lines of communication open made me seem more adult, more mature. When, in fact, it just kept me chained to my past. I learned that lesson the hard way. But, I learned it!! That was the most important part. In hindsight, I've learned that some people just do not deserve a place in my present day life. That isn't mean. It just shows that they were season or reason people and not lifetime people. No more holding on.
"I hate when my boyfriend says someone in a movie is sooooo attractive and I am her complete opposite and it happens to be one of my favorite movies because now I can’t watch it without feeling outrageously insecure." - via abakesacake. I saw this statement on Tumblr. And, it made me feel a certain way. Everyone finds some celebrity attractive. We have different reasons for feeling that way. But, the reality is that those crushes aren't real. They are purely physical. We don't know anything about these celebs. We know the characters they portray, the songs they sing & the clothes they wear. None of that should have any bearing on one's real life relationships.
I have a thing for Idris Elba. That accent, that face, that chocolate skin make me smile. I liked him as Stringer Bell on "The Wire." I like his movies. His pictures are always nice. But, I do not know who personally about this man. I do not fawn over him in front of my guy. I also have a thing for Paul Walker. He is a blond, blue eyed, white man. The complete opposite of my Love. But, I like what I see in him anyway. Just like I know my guy has a soft spot for Rosario Dawson, who looks nothing like me, and Jill Scott. They do something for him. Am I threatened by it? No. Should it? Absolutely not. Why would it? I know why I love him & vice versa. A crush on a celeb means nothing.
I think that sometimes people get so caught up in the insecurities that they lose sight of the realities. I would be a fool to let that make me question my relationship. The reality is I'm me. And that's who my Love wants to be with. Just like he is the one I want. If we are so quick to make a thousand insignificant rules inside our relationship, we're doomed to fail. I'm not here to tell him what to do, how to feel or where not to look. He is a grown man dealing with a grown woman. No one here needs to be led. We're together but neither of us are suddenly blind. We both may see someone attractive. That's life. Anyone who thinks otherwise is already on a collision course with failure. I'm not here for that.
When it comes to cooking, for me it's all about love. I cook for my family to nourish them. That makes me happy. Food makes people happy. It fills us up in more ways than one. I know I can be possessive. I have accepted this part of me. That leads me to the scenario. A woman who is not family or friends cooking for your man. Are we for or against this? I'm so against this. I have strong feelings about a woman who isn't family cooking for my man. Women are taught from an early age that "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." Some women may pretend to just want to be friends with a man. It's not their true intention at all. Food is a ploy to worm their way in. I've seen it happen. I won't allow it to happen to me.
A woman can cook for HIM if she wants. I will throw it out like the trash it is. No ma'am. I will not stand for that. My guy though that was funny. I laughed because it's funny but I'm serious though. It's the same as if a man was cooking for me or buying me gifts. If he is not family or life long friend, this is not acceptable behavior. Especially for a woman who is clearly taken. I called my cousin & her husband just to get their reaction. My cousin Ty said she would want to fight the woman. I laughed but understood. Her husband wondered what kind of stupid question was that. Maybe we're all possessive & territorial. But, we all can't be wrong in feeling the way we do. Is it ok for some other woman to cook for your significant other? Do you see it for the trap that it is? Let's discuss food etiquette and relationships.
I Love You. Three little words that mean so much. Eight little letters that can virtually change lives. It's something that until I was in my late 20's that I truly understood the true meaning of it. Yes, I've said it before then. Once to someone I didn't love at all. I only said it because he said it. Sad but true. I said it to my first love as well. But, we weren't the saying I love you all the time types. That should've been the biggest red flag. I conveniently missed it. I remember that before I only said it as a response. I never was the person who initiated the love conversation. I didn't think a girl was supposed to say it first. Then, I grew up and left that little girl behind. I became a woman who had to get those words out someway. Because I felt them and they needed to be said. But, luckily, I found my way back to love again. This time, it was different.
I was completely surprised to find myself in love again. I wasn't looking for it. Actually, I had decided that my life would be better without it. I was in a weird emotional space then. I remembering dreaming that I told him I loved him. I woke up and my first thought was "Oh my God, I'm in love with him! When did it happen?" I also remember smiling about that thought. When I realized I was falling in love when seeing his name on my cell conjured up the butterflies. I tried to deny it because I was sure I wasn't worthy of it. I pushed it way down deep inside. Little did I know that it doesn't work like that.
I remember the exact moment I wanted to say "I love you" to him. It was the Saturday after Thanksgiving 2010. I stopped myself. I literally ate those words because I was scared that he wouldn't know what to do with them. Or that he didn't feel the same so he wouldn't reciprocate. I knew he like me a lot and that he cared about me. But we were talking about love. This was huge and new for me and him too. I was a mess emotionally that day. I was crying and couldn't get my thoughts together. I held it in for about two weeks. I actually wrote it in Spanish on a blog. He saw and of course my guy asked me what it meant. I knew then that he felt the same. We finally said those words to each other. And, once they were out, we've never stopped saying them.
Yes, I was afraid of his response. But, I also knew that I loved him enough to handle it. There comes a lot of responsibility with those words. People shouldn't say them if they don't mean it. I tell my nieces and nephews I love them all the time. Because I want that to be a big part of their memories of me. As far as romantically, I've not been a woman who's loved a lot. But, I love hard and deep. And, I always mean it when I say it now. There is no other way to say that. I Love You. Three little words. Eight little letters. Mean it when you say it. Tell me your first time I love you stories. I want to know.
When I was 15,my Uncle Larry gave me some advice that I've carried with me. He said "when it comes to relationships, you always want to be able to learn something new from your significant other as well as teach them something as well." Those words have always impacted me. I've found myself, more times than not, being a teacher but not a student. It's easy for me to give the knowledge I hold freely away. It's just part of who I am.
I love to learn about everything. I am a human sponge when it comes to knowledge. I crave it. Thinking back about past relationships, I've realized that all of the lessons that I've learned from them have been in hindsight. While in the midst of any of those relationships, I never learned anything worth holding on to or passing on. Granted, I learned a lot about who I was, what I wanted and what I would no longer accept. Those were no doubt great lessons. But not exactly what my Uncle was speaking of.
It took me a long time to get here. Here being that place of true understanding of what he meant. I am in a relationship that is beneficial to both parties involved. It transcends anything physical, financial, or emotional. This is an intellectual high. I learned things daily from him. I teach things daily as well. We are sharing knowledge. That is a beautiful thing. This is what my uncle meant. At 15, I wasn't concerned about all of that. There was no real depth to me or my relationships then. Now, I get it. Truly.
It moves me deeply. It's the way things are supposed to be. Intelligence is beyond attractive to me. It's a characteristic that cannot be quantified. But, it's super important. And, yes, I pride myself on being intelligent. Smart is sexy. The sharing of knowledge between two people who are already attracted to one another is amazing. Every day there's something new. Be it politics, music, literature, art, or math, all of it matters. All of the pieces matter. Spread knowledge people!
I have been many things in my life. The one thing I have never wanted to be was a nagger. There is nothing positive that can come from nagging. It's overbearing and obnoxious. Women, in general, have this stigma of being big on nagging. That role gets old. No one, in their right mind, wants to be the woman who continues to complain/speak on the same subject. The reality is this people are who they are and are only going to do what they feel like doing.
As a woman, I don't want to have to tell a man what I want, what's right and what's expected all the time. Being that person is draining. Those kind of women often find themselves alone a lot. I am no pushover. I am a very strong woman. But, I also know what's annoying to me. Nagging me annoys the hell out of me. So I am quite sure that a man would feel similarly. Here's a perfect example of a woman nagging her spouse. I read a story on Facebook about a classmate of mine who is insisting that her boyfriend has flowers delivered to her job on Valentine's Day. Insisting is the operative word. Her reasoning for such a thing -she wants her coworkers to know she has a great boyfriend. I see something looming there. I'm sure her nagging about it is not making her wonderful boyfriend feel as great as she claims he is. I've never been that woman. Anything that is done for me by a boyfriend has been 100% their idea and vice versa.
Nagging never gets anything done. I don't want to do that to anyone. And, I damn sure don't want any one to do it to me. It's not a good look ever. If a person repeats the same thing to me, I tend to tune them and their message out. I'm very good at ignoring what ever information I don't want to take in. The bottom line is no man wants a nagging spouse and neither does any woman. It's a bad personality trait. I don't have it in me to pursue that line of conversation. I don't want to argue if I can help it. I just want to discuss an issue, solve it and move on. Life's too short to get caught up in the small things. I would rather exist inside the love and not worry about anything else. Nagging solves nothing. Life's all about the solutions.
I have a confession to make. I'm 32 and I've never lived with a man. Never. If you haven't noticed, I am very traditional about a lot of things. Cohabitating is high on that list. I've just never been big on that. So, theoretically, the only man I will live with will be my husband. I don't judge anyone who has done this or is presently doing this. I'm just set in my own ways about some unchangeable things. And, since I've never done it before, I may as well stick to what I believe in.
For me, it's one of those things that I can only share with my "husband." I think it will be awesome to explore this uncharted territory with him. I'm sure it will be full if surprises. I wonder what habits I have that I'm not even aware of. Being single and living alone for a while has me spoiled beyond belief. I like things a certain way. Can't Stand clutter but I'm not anal about it. Cohabitating is definitely an unknown area of expertise for me. But, like everything I do, I'm positive I can conquer it. I know that we will be just fine when that time comes. Any unmarried cohabitators out there? Tell me the good, the bad and the ugly. How have you adjusted? Let's dish.
A random conversation sparked this blog. The reality is people cheat. I do not condone it at all. Probably because I grew up in it. Unfortunately, there is a cycle I've seen repeated in my family too many times. The cycle isn't specific to my family. The men cheat, the women stay. The men have kids outside of their marriages and the women stay. After all of that hurt and pain, how do they stay? How does one trust their husband after this? I don't know. I can't wrap my head around it. I also think its why I know what I will and won't accept in my relationship.
I'm a monogamous type of woman. I don't have it in me at 32 to maintain multiple relationships. I don't truly believe in divorce. But if my "husband" cheated on me and had a kid as well, there will be nothing or no one who could make me stay. It's not even a pride thing. It's more of a respectable issue. If he couldn't respect me enough to be faithful, what exactly do we have? What would there be to save? I watched my Dad repeat the same cheating cycle that his Dad did. In a way, it's almost liked learned behavior. It was acceptable on some levels when my Dad was growing up. My Mom accepted it for a while with my Dad as well. I just know I can't do it. My heart is not here for that kind of abuse. I'd rather a man leave me. That would hurt but not half as much as finding out he's having an affair would.
My Grandmother's era is one that did not divorce. That just wasn't acceptable. It's just not what people did. If you were married, you worked it out or turned the other cheek. Women in my age group are not as forgiving. I couldn't fathom cheating on my future husband. It's just not in me. I'm not that girl. I have my own morals and rules and regulations. Cheating is never ok for me. That's just my bottom line. If you know me, you know this. It's just who I am.
One of my favorite shows "The Game" returned to tv this week. The premiere was really dramatic and fast moving. It was good to me. The Jason/Chardonnay storyline looks to be promising. Jason is a smartass and I cannot wait to see what will come. Malik is still my fave. Tasha Mack is still Tasha Mack. But, Derwin and Melanie are the heart of this show. I have been a fan of these two since day one. There was one storyline that stuck out the most to me. Melanie admitted that she had an abortion that Derwin knew nothing about. Fireworks ensued. This is a touchy topic and I have a definite opinion on it. Read at your own risk.
My stance on abortion is twofold. For myself, I have always been pro-life. I have never believed in abortion for myself. That being saying, I have always been pro-choice for everyone else. It has never been my belief that its my right to tell another woman what to do with her body. That woman's life is that woman's choice. Fortunately, I have never been put in the position to have to make this choice. Derwin being more upset about the fact that the baby Melanie aborted wasn't his is ridiculous. When he thought the baby was his, he forgave her. He was calm and comforting.
The situation is even crazier by the reality of Derwin and Melanie's life. Melanie has had to swallow the pill of Derwin having a baby with someone else. There has been drama with Melanie and Janay, the baby's mom, since day one. Melanie is a step-mom before ever being a Mom. But, she gladly takes all of that on because she loves her husband. She has been very forgiving of Derwin and all the drama he has brought into their lives. I believe that Derwin was beyond wrong in the situation. His anger was misplaced because of his animosity towards Trey Wiggs, the father of the baby Melanie aborted. He's had an isseu with Trey since college. He also punched Trey at the end of the episode.
I just didn't get Derwin condemning Melanie's actions AFTER he found out the baby wasn't his. All of this information is old news. they have been married for a few years now so the past should rest in the past. Both of them have made mistakes. Both have been more wrong than right. Derwin's anger angered me last night. The consensus on Twitter was just about the same. Most of my Twitter followers reiterated my sentiments. I am just ready for this couple to be happy and drama free, if only for an episode or two lol. What do you guys think of this scenario? Did Derwin have a right to be angry? Was Melanie wrong for not telling him or Trey? Let's discuss.
I am not a big fan of the BET show "Let's Stay Together." There is something about it that just doesn't come together for me. I like a few of the actors. but, for the most part, there is a lot of overacting and acting that leaves much to be desired in my opinion. After watching the premiere of "The Game," I never changed the channel. So I was sort of watching but not really. One thing that did catch my eye was a situation that I cannot condone. Tasha, a married mom of two, met her ex for drinks. This is the scenario which we will discuss.
Tasha never asked Jamal, her husband for his opinion. Not that she needed his permission, but that is a definite no-no in my book. She was flirting with her ex, on the phone with him giggling and just being straight out disrespectful to her marriage and her husband. The way this scene played out is beyond ridiculous to me. Her husband didn't object, didn't get mad, or raise his voice. Tasha saw nothing wrong with her actions at all. I literally stared at the tv in utter disbelief. This is just illogical. Any one in the situation would have had any reaction. Jamal was way too calm. Her ex, whose name's alludes me but he is played by Christian Keyes, was way too flirty in front of Jamal. I think that was totally out of line.
The reality is this, there is no way I would be that cool about it. It's not about jealousy or insecurity. It is about respect. I wouldn't be ok with my husband going out to have drinks with any ex of his. When you're always looking back, you cannot move forward. I know females really well. Some can be quite devious and malacious. The only person I wouldn't trust in the situation is his ex. The situation would be different if he and I were going out for drinks with her. I would be able to keep her in line. On the converse side of that, I wouldn't even dare fix my lips to ask my man if it would be ok for me to have drinks with my ex. Why would I even think that it would be ok? That is crazy. I don't feel the need to catch up with my past. I lived it, I own it, I'm over it. I wouldn't dare disrespect him like that.
Tasha also went to her ex's house after having a drink with him. What? That is the craziest part of the whole scenario. Who does that? I would be livid if my man did this. What do you mean you went to her house? That is asking for me to go off. There is nothing about this scenario that I condone. I would never do that. Nor would I allow something like this to happen to me. The scenario is just a recipe for disaster. It's unneccessary drama I believe. RElationships are hard work withouth the added drama. What would you do in this scenario? Was it wrong of Tasha to do these things? Was Jamal too passive? Was her ex wrong to even broach the topic with Tasha? Let's discuss.
Ok, I can admit this. When it comes to my love, I have noticed that I have a possessive side. Yes, I have his heart and his attention. I have no insecurities about him or our love. I just don't like to think of his past and the women who've been attached to him in any way. That is just the reality of it. I'm spoiled so I want to consume all of his free time. Is this feasible? Absolutely not. But I feel the way I feel. I want him all to myself. But I'm not alone in this feeling. He feels the same way. We are truly two peas in a pod. I am more than alright admitting this to the world.
In essence, he belongs to me and I to him. That is a no brainer. What is new is me feeling possessive when it comes to him. I think its funny that he and I are the same in so many ways. We both are spoiled as well. We are selfish when it comes to our time together. I have to stop myself from pouting when our time is interrupted. I can admit this. I just want him all to myself. But, I know, to a degree, that I have to share him with his family and the world. Sometimes that can be a hard battle. I try to suck it up. I try to not let my spoiled possessive ways get the best of me.
Let me say that I am not speaking on that crazy possessiveness. Neither of us are into crazy. That is not a good look in 2012 or ever. I'm talking about the way you feel about the one you love and that person loves you back. It's about the healthy side effects of a healthy relationship. It's about the things that you do or say or become because of that relationship. There are things that have changed so drastically because of this, him. This entire post was sparked by a conversation that I had with HIM the other day. It's so funny how much Ike the two of us are. Are any of you possessive? If yes, how so? How do you act? How do you feel about your significant other being possessive? We need to quorum up about this topic. I, we can't be the only ones. Lol.
What makes us love someone? In a lifetime, we meet many people. We like them, are attracted to them, fall in lust with them and love them. But, what makes us fall for the one? They say opposites attract but I don't agree. I think we attract the best part of ourselves. It's the similarities that draw me in. There are some attractions that are impossible to fight. It's a losing war from the beginning, so to speak. Magnets cannot help but be attracted to each other. It's the same thing with soul mates.
Perfect example: boy and girl meet and are instantly attracted to each other. Their personalities match and mesh. Physically they like what they see. Intellectually, they find each other mental stimulating and deep. The two are just right for each other. But, both are in situations. They flirt but keep things at a respectable distance. Time passes, the two somehow keep in contact. Their situations fall apart and they are led right back to each other. It can only be described as fate. There is no other word for it. That fate led them to love. It's like two magnets being pulled towards each other. The attraction is too strong. One cannot fight that. It was kismet.
We've all loved and lost. But, when you find the one who is your soul mate, you just know. There is no denying that spark that you feel when you meet him/her. It's just a different feeling. It consumes your whole being. When you meet someone who you connect with instantly, you cannot shake them or that connection. Two people whose hearts have somehow attached them to each other are meant to be together. No time, space, distance, or situation can alter that. They will find their way back to each other. It's like going home. It's like walking into yourself. You just know that it is. Your heart has found its mate.
I don't know why we fall in love with the people we do. But, I know when it's real. When it feels unlike anything else you've ever felt, then you'll know as well. When the connection is that deep, there is no way around it. It's basically a force of nature. Two magnets that pulled the other back to the center. It's undeniable. What attracts us keeps us. It's just simply called love. What's your take on the subject? What made you love the one you're with? Let's talk about it.
