I Am...

Anaïs Nin speaks to my soul. My friend Joey posted this earlier and even though I've seen it before, today it stuck with me. It describes my current situation perfectly. Months ago, I made this huge proclamation that I was done with love and dating and dealing. It was true...then. I'm starting to change my mind on a few of those. I've had to face some very hard truths lately. I had a conversation that was like taking a bullet to the face. It was one I needed to have. It was one I should have had a while ago. Did it hurt hearing those words come from the mouth of someone I love? Hell yes. But, it always does when it comes to him. Love isn't as complicated as we make it. I deserve someone who actively chooses me every day and tells me so every night. My love is that big, that special, that deep. I crave reciprocity and I know there is someone out there who will look at me like I hung the sun again. 

I am tired of being the sad, broken version of myself. I've looked into the mirror and seen her for far too long. I am over that reflection and this feeling. I am done with it. I refuse to be her anymore. Especially since she is not me. Let me toot my own horn for a moment. I am a great woman. No, I am a helluva woman. And, if anyone doesn't see that and voluntarily exits my life, then that is their loss. I can no longer focus on or trip on anything that's behind me. I refuse to believe that it is my destiny to not be loved completely or that I am going to always be alone. My God has already decided what is for me is for me. I still want to get married and still want to have kids. And, even though my family may not include the person I thought I was going to live happily ever after with, it will be mine. I've already proclaimed it. So, I am giving up on the old me and looking towards a new me. I smiled today and I felt it in my soul. It's been far too long since that has happened. I am back on my pursuit of happiness trail. There can be no other outcome for be but that. Because I said so!

It's My Hair: Melissa Harris-Perry Talks Hair Politics

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Black hair is THE topic of conversation. The above video is a great discussion on the subject. I am a fan of Melissa Harris-Perry and her platform. Her MSNBC show is a great political show with a point of view of that of a Black woman. I think she is a great political voice. She had a panel of four other varied Black women in various states of natural hair. I loved the variety of women that Harris-Perry had on her show. It was the perfect forum to discuss an issue that will not go away. All the women had interesting things to say about Black hair. Please take the time to watch the video. It's very insightful and enlightening.

Black hair is big business. Black women spend more on hair products and services more than any other group. We are that business. So, this huge shift towards the natural journey means a shift or loss in money. I don't know if it's because I am in a transitioning phase but I see this topic comes up a lot. I see more natural sisters now that I am becoming one. My hair is important to me. It is a part of me. Whatever I do to it, is my business. It's not about making a political statement or taking a stance. I made this choice for me. I want to know what my natural hair feels like, looks like. I may love it. I may hate it. But, I will always have options. No one made me do it or talked me into this. Actually, I've gotten some negative feedback from family members as well as positive. But, thankfully, I am not easily swayed. I have great self esteem and know what I stand for. This is the right move for me right now. I really do not care who doesn't like it or agree with it. It's not their hair.

The entire discussion was great to hear. I loved what Nicole Ari Parker said about her daughter. I think that epiphany is wonderful. And, if I had a daughter, I am sure I would feel the same way. Nicole from Curly Nikki made a great point as well about the issue being political and personal. I think that for most Black women, the decision to embrace their natural hair is a personal one. I, for one, did not set out to make a political stand with my hair. It's very interesting that people outside of the Black community are so enthralled with our hair. Yes, we already know its amazing as we are as a people. The conversation will continue as they always do when it pertains to Black women. We are definitely a great topic to discuss. In the end, our hair in any and every state is a issue that people should be intrigued by.

This Is More For Me Than For You

"Forgive, and you will be forgiven." - Matt 6:14

I don't want to single out people in this post. I have been hurt by people's careless words and actions. I've held onto some of them way too long. In doing that, I unwittingly gave my offender control. I let him/her live rent free in my head. Of course, I told my offender how I was feeling. I can be ultra sensitive. But, when I'm pushed, I can get really pissed off. I don't like to let me people get me to that point. My temper can be a bit much. I've mellowed a lot with age. I'm thankful for that. Forgive them and move on. Do it for you!

What's Happy To You?

We are all trying to get to happy. That is the struggle everyday. Happiness is defined differently for everyone. Webster's defines happy as "delighted, pleased, or glad; as over a particular thing; characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment or joy." All of this got me to pondering about personal happiness."What's happy for me may not even rate on the scale of happy for the next (wo)man. Someone asked me if I was happy recently. At that very moment, all I could hear in my head was the last few spoken lines of T.I.'s hit song "Why You Wanna." T.I. poses the question to his ex "Is ya happy?" That little three word sentence packs a big punch.

Sometimes we forget to just be happy. It's easy to do so with all of the day to day things that pull us in a thousand different directions. I know I tend to get so caught up in my head and worrying about everyone else that I forget about me. that is the number one issue I am weeding out of my life. I've decided that my happiness comes first as it should. I don't wanna miss any other moment of my life because I'm worried about someone else. This hasn't been an easy notion for me to totally embrace. But, I will not continue to sacrifice my piece of happy to engage in the drama of others any longer. That just won't do going forth.

That question made me start thinking about my idea of happiness. For me, it could be something very simple or something extremely extravagant. I've never left my happiness up to anyone else. I feel like my true happiness only resides in my heart. I responded to the original question with a resounding "Yes, I'm very happy." I truly meant it because I truly feel it. I am at a place in life that I'm happy with me. My personal happiness comes from me no one else. I'm learning to take the time to smell the roses and enjoy my happiness. It's quite an awesome feeling too. I wonder if you have gotten to your personal happiness yet?

Traditions

I have no problem admitting that I am very traditional when it comes to certain things. Yes, I'm an independent woman who has no issue going get things for myself. But, I am not who adheres to the new age adage that "I don't need a man." That's bogus and stupid on so many levels. Humans were created as a pair. A partner who was made to complement you. So, in essence, I don't need a man. But, I want one to finish this ride with me.

I will say that up until a few years ago, I was totally anti-baby, anti-marriage. I def didn't have a great view of marriages growing up. I didn't think that any of it was for me. But, somewhere along the line, a lightbulb came on. I realized that I wanted all of these seemingly traditional things because they fit me. I've been the mother of my group since birth essentially. I nuture, I take care of, I handle things, it's who I am.

My Great Grandmother, Frances, has instilled some traditions deep into my head. She was very big on little girls acting like ladies, especially in public. I carry that with me. She also told me to make sure I always keep something just for myself until I meet the one for me. I clearly remember these talks she & I would have sitting at her kitchen table drinking cafe con leche. Well, she would drink coffee and I would drink milk w/a teaspoon of coffee mixed in. These talks help define me. I'm sure she is the reason why I feel so strongly about roles, traditions and values. Even in all my independence, I know the woman that I am. I'm ok with that.