Every night, I sit and write. It's the same sentence. The same sentiment nightly. No matter how I word it, I'm saying the same thing. My mind is stuck on repeat. I don't want to think about it or talk about it. And, I damn sure don't want to write about it. But, it consumes me. It's the first and last thing on my mind. So I write about it even when I try not to. How ill is that? I can't control my thoughts or my writing. What I really need is to close the door to a house that I no longer reside in.
I'm more than this. I'm bigger than this. But I can't fight my way out of this. My reality is that I'm searching for answers and a heartfelt apology that I may never get. The problem is this depends solely on one person. This person is unwilling to give me what I need. Hell, give me what I deserve. I'm beyond perplexed by this. I'm tired of trying to figure out the what's and why's. I just really want to be done with this aspect of my life. I need closure on this.
I feel like a broken record repeating the same sentiment. But, unfortunately, I'm a writer who has to write what's on her heart. Tonight, this topic one. I've avoided the this for weeks. I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how to shake this feeling. It's weird because usually I'm the problem solver. Closure, in the past, has always come when I didn't need it anymore. I'm not that patient right now. I just had an epiphany. Maybe that's the lesson here.
There are always things and situations which I sit and ponder the what ifs. I don't do it often. Because I try to live my life with no real regrets. But, in hindsight, aren't things so much clear than they were when you were going through it? I sometimes let my feelings for someone or something cloud my thinking. It's a small character flaw.
I had a conversation with someone that led me to this topic. It's funny how two people in the same situation can remember things totally different. The years may have distorted both of our memories. Both parties involved were hurt in the end. Neither of us willing to stand up for our own wrong doings. That was years ago. It was finally time to just let go of it all. The resentment, the hurt, the pain, the guilt and the disdain. I apologized for the hurt I caused. And I finally got an apology as well. I didn't realize I still needed it. It was time to close that chapter of my life. It's all in my past now. In hindsight, maybe it wasn't all bad. There were some good things that came from this situation.
I try to be as objective as I can be when it comes to my life. But I can't help but sit and wonder sometimes. I'm not perfect nor do I claim to be. I'm not without fault. I try to be the best me I can be. Try not to do wrong to anyone because I'm a give believer in karma. But I haven't always been so enlightened. I've done wrong. I've prayed about my past as I forge my way into my future. All I can do is continue to be a better me. And hopefully, in hindsight, I'll see myself clearly.
