Lately I've Been In My Feelings

I've been avoiding writing this blog for days, weeks even.  I don't want to write but I need to get it off my heart. I am tired of thinking of it, wrestling with it. The topic du jour is babies. I am at the age that every single time I'm at a family function two topics come up: babies & marriage. The marriage one is easy to shut down. Whenever I'm asked about a husband, I just respond with "He hasn't found me yet." That's easier than saying "I no longer believe in the whole happily ever after fairytale." That's not my issue here. Babies are. I've been telling people that I no longer want children. That is the biggest lie I've ever told. For longer than I want to admit, I've had a dream of being a Mom. I have names picked it. I know what kind of Mother I wanted to be. I was looking forward to pregnancy and childbirth. I wanted to watch my kids grow up and become great people. I wanted to teach them everything I knew and give them the world. I met someone who made me want to be his wife and the mother of his kids. Then, it all fell apart. I was left heartbroken and disillusioned with a lot of things. The biggest being trust, love and family. Because of all of that, my dreams of being a Mom have gotten so far out of my reach. 

In the last few weeks, I have had two super uncomfortable conversations about babies. Both caught me off guard and left me disoriented. Randomly, my supervisor asked me, in front of people, if I was EVER going to have kids. I said no because that is my default answer. I think I've reverted to this response because if I say it enough maybe one day I'll believe it. She went on to say that she thought I would be a great Mom and that she could see me with a little natural haired little girl. I almost cried in public when she said that. She isn't the first person to say this to me. It hurts because I believe it too. I also do not believe that it will happen. She had no idea that she had stumbled upon a seriously sore subject for me. The other conversation bothered me even more. I made a statement to a friend and his response bothered me. I said that "the moment had passed on me wanting a baby." Which by all accounts is not the truth at all. He basically agreed with me. I was annoyed for days behind it. I also have another lifelong friend who always talks down on being a parent even though he is a damn good father to his kid. He says that I have it good being childless. He also doesn't realize how much that hurts me. 

When it comes to this subject, I am so angry with myself for still being affected by it. People always say you can never miss what you never had. That is a bold face lie from the pits of hell. Not being a Mom is a huge ache in my core. It's a real and tangible emptiness I feel. I wish that I would have never admitted that I wanted to be a Mom. Maybe then this wouldn't hurt so much. I am literally surrounded by babies all the time. Nieces and nephews and cousins and godchildren. I  am the only one of my friends who hasn't had a baby. I hate that I allowed myself to believe in the Mom and wife and family dream. I hate that it was taken from me. I hate that I feel anything about this. But, here I am, with this hole in my heart that cannot be filled in any other way. I feel like this is an ache that I will just learn to live with. Just like I've done with my Dad's murder and my last heartbreak. I dealt with them as much as I could and then I just suppress the residuals. I don't know how long this ache will last or how long before the words "I don't want to have kids" actually feel like the truth to me. But, I will keep saying them until they do. I'm not expecting anyone to tell me that it will be ok because it won't. I wanted something so badly and I cannot have it. That hurts and it sucks. But, I know I'll survive it. I have no other choice. I hate that I'm  writing this, hate even more that I'm feeling this way. But, it's my truth. And, I'm going to stand in it. 

Mixed Drinks

Seriously.

Who knew feelings would become so damn complicated post 30?! I just knew I would have that portion of the program figured out. But, I also thought I would be a wife & mom to at least 2 by this age. Clearly, I was totally wrong about all of it. Love & relationships aren’t really meant to be this damn complex for the 30 & over crowd. We’re supposed to have learned so much from our 20’s. And, granted, I’ve learned a lot. But, the greatest lesson came when I was 33 & I still don’t really know what the purpose was.

It’s difficult for me to admit failure in regards to aspects of my life plans. I hate for folks to say that it’s just being delayed. It doesn’t help me. I’m still behind on things want out of life. This is why I say that “feelings suck, avoid them at all costs.” I care too much. I feel too much. I fall too deep. And, clearly I’ve chosen the wrong men. So, now what?

The truth is I’m afraid to feel something. Afraid to open my heart and life to anyone new. Mainly because I could be hurt again. I know that this isn’t living. I am trying my best to get back to that place where I thought love was possible. I have to if I want to have any chance at having my own family. I know it’s going to take some faith on my part. I’m doing the work. I’ll figure it out when it’s time,when the right one makes his presence known. That’s all I can do, right? For the moment, I'll continue to sip this drink and think. 

Ladies Love Lyrics: "What Do I Do With The Love?"

This song has been on my heart and in my head for some time now. I never truly understood it until recently. Makes all the sense in the world to me. Get into these lyrics and vocals. I miss Dru Hill. 

"I can put away the letters 
Hide them in the drawer 
I can even forget what you sent them for 
And I can take your name out of my book 
I can put away the pictures 
I can put the dreams aside 
But I just can't seem to put you out of my mind 
So tell me now, oh 

What do I do with the love, tell me baby 
What do I do with the memories of 
What do I do with the nights 
Without you by my side 
They used to be your's and mine 
Without you, what do I do with the love 

I can go out every night now 
Stay out til the dawn 
Do whatever I want to 
Anytime I want 
And I can make believe we never met 
I can clear out all the closets 
Leave your things outside the door 
But I just can't seem to not love you anymore 
So tell me now, tell me now, what do I do?"

"I Get So Emotional Baby"

It has been said that women are emotional creatures. I agree with this to a point. I think that both women and men can be emotional. We are all human beings capable of feeling emotions. I believe that it is more widely accepted for women to express those emotions. It is more than ok for a woman to cry whereas a man is perceived by society to be less than if he does. How silly is that? Crying is a normal human reaction. We are all equipped with tear ducts. To me, that means that crying is something we're supposed to do. Why are we expected to bottle all of that up just to make it through the day?

I abhor being too emotional. I cannot control my emotions and that is not a good thing for me. Now, I will say I have gotten much better at keeping my emotions at bay in most instances. I do not fly off the handle about any and every thing. I've grown. I am a woman who likes to be in control of things. It is why emotions are not my cup of tea. I dislike that I can  control so much but there are instances that I cannot. Certain people and events bring out the most emotional side of me. It is the worst when it happens because of someone I love. They are the people I care about most in the world and that gives them the keys to pushing my buttons. It sucks to be truly vulnerable with people and have them use it against you. How exactly am I not supposed to get emotional?

I have found a way to cope. I am no longer only ruled by what I feel. I count to ten in my head before I react. I write things down a lot when it comes to my emotions. I have learned that no one cares about a person, place or thing in the exact same manner I do. So, why get worked up about it? Even when it comes to love and someone hurting you. Why would I continue to tell someone how I feel when it means nothing anymore? Simple: I won't. I keep it to myself. I'm no longer comfortable expressing every thought in my mind or emotion on my heart to everyone. Some will never see things my way or feel how I feel. Others won't ever get it, get me. That's more than ok. I understand myself perfectly, even when I am super emotional. Maybe this has to do with the fact that I'm a woman. I wasn't raised to believe that I have to hide what I'm feeling. I had to learn the hard way that the world does not truly appreciate this. I was not born to please the world. So, I will continue to live life on my terms. Oh, yeah, and will change the rules at any given moment. Pay attention!

Ladies Love Lyrics: Glenn Lewis "Something To See"

This song stopped me in my tracks to day. I used to play it constantly back in 2001. I thought that Glenn Lewis would have a great career. I was wrong. His debut cd was just plain dope, lyrically and musically. His voice is so soothing to me. "Something To See" wasn't a single and it should have been one. It was one of the best tracks on the cd. Let's get into it and it's lyrics. 

"I was thinking you and me could start again, fulfill a dream
Read that somewhere we would find a paradise
Walls of change have clearly fell, showing loves cry out for help
But if you only try with me, you'd see that we

Should be trying to find a cause for our own flaws
But know that just to be with you
In a love that's truly free
That could be you and me

It'd be something to see
'Cause you know we're too far gone
To ever be the same way we've been so long
It'd be something to see, we can make it if we hold on
The way it should be with love leading us along..."

Do You Still Believe In Love?

Short answer: No. 
Negative. 
Nope. 
Nah. 

The long answer is complex. I do not believe in love for myself anymore. I tried. I failed. I'm done. I'm very in touch with my feelings. I don't personally think I could handle being in love again. Being in love is great when you're in it with someone who loves you back. Staying in love is dope. Learning how to cope after the person you're in love with decides not to love you anymore is akin to purgatory. I'm not built for that. The possibility of it ending frightens me too much. I can't deal. 

Love shouldn't bring out fear. But, in my mind, the two are closely related. I can't willingly be open to an emotion that keeps hurting me. And, maybe I wasn't meant for this particular life. Maybe I'm not that girl. As I'm writing this, the tears are flowing. I swear I've never been the weepy one. But, this year & the actuality of losing love has turned me into her. Love doesn't hurt. I know this. But, the person you love can. And, that's the part I won't ever be ok with. I don't want to take a chance anymore. I don't want to talk to you on the phone or text with you. I don't need to get to know you. I won't be having sex with you. Just no. Do. Not. Want. I'm decidedly single for these reasons.

I am keenly aware of the fact that I am broken. Also, that my brokenness is speaking here. People say once your heart has been broken that time will heal you. That, quite frankly, is a load of crap. Once any person has been broken, they are forever broken. They may heal and move on. But, that broken part of them is still there. They learn how to live with the ache. Nothing broken is every put back together the same way. It's not possible. My own views of being in love are warped. I see it through broken lenses. It's tainted and skewed and wrong. But, it's mine, nonetheless. I stand behind my word and my feelings, no matter how offcentered they may be.

I cannot dream of being in love again because I can't get over the love I'm in now. It's been months and I'm still in love with the man who hurt me the most, the man who broke me. So, here I am, a brokenhearted fool who cannot stomach the idea of love. I'm very anti-love, anti-feelings these days. It took me forever to admit how much I really wanted certain things. I really wish I would not have done so. I'm old enough to know some things. And, maybe what I've learned thus far is that love isn't for me. I never dreamed I'd be almost 34 and alone. I just figured that I'd be a wife and a mom by now. Maybe none of that is part of my destiny. Maybe it was never my dream to begin with. Silly me. So, anony, there is your long answer to a short question. 

So You Had A Bad Day...

A picture/gif is worth a million words. This one is eerily accurate of how I feel inside. But, I put a smile on my face  every day. One day, it'll all be different, better. Today clearly isn't that day.

Role Call

• Black woman. 
• Daughter. 
• Sister. 
• Cousin. 
• Friend. 
• Girlfriend.
• Lover. 
• Neighbor.
• Coworker. 

These are all titles which define our roles in life. We all get very comfortable in the roles we are assigned. Sometimes way too comfortable. But, what do you do when those roles don't belong to you anymore. When you're no longer someone's daughter or friend or lover. How do you reorganize your life? If you're anything like me, you have a tough time with this sort of change. When one person leaves and takes your assigned role with them, it causes your life to spin into disarray. It's hard to catch your footing again while trying to redefine who you are again. I still do not know what the appropriate way to do this is. Things change constantly in life. Learning how to change with it cannot always be an easy task.

                                   

We need people to fit into this perfect little niches that we created for them. We include them in our world because of what they make us feel. For the most part, that feeling is love. If I let you in, it's a big deal. I am counting on you staying in my life. And, if/when that person leaves for whatever reasons, it always feels really personal. I miss them for way to long. I could never ascribe that particular role to another. It will always belong to the one who left. I'm weird that way. My words matter. I wish I knew the right way to deal with these changes. But, I have failed miserably at trying to figure it out. So, I come here and blog about it for the world to see. With the notion that maybe there is someone out there who has a different course of action that I can take. Sometimes we take people for granted. Sometimes we don't tell them enough how much they matter in our worlds. And, by the time we remember to do so, they are gone. So, this is my way of telling my people that I love each and every one of them. I value their existence in my life even when I don't show it. That's a role they will always play in my life and in my heart. 

My Poetry Corner IX: "In Places I Can't Reach"

I gave you my heart
You promised to hold it with care
But then our wires got crossed
Communication broke down

Then you fumbled
Were careless with my love
I am now broken in places
I can't reach
Splintered in the corners of my soul
Your love was supposed to be it

I don't know how to pick myself up and go on
Don't know how to exist in a world
where you are not
I have so many questions
And no answers

I'm left here
Still so in love with you
I'm emotionally a mess
Angry one moment
Hurt the next
And through it all

I always feel
stupid
Stupid for believing that I could have it all
That I could grab my dream
That you would be in love with me forever
That I would be your wife, bear your kids

All that's left are all these tears
And the broken splintered pieces of my heart.
How do I fix what I can't see
Places I can't reach
I wish I knew how

So for now
I'll just sit & cry
While praying for my
own personal peace.

Copyright 2013 KatchKenda

Life of a Writer

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”
- Anaïs Nin

Writers are extremely creative people. This is also the gift and the curse. I believe that artists feel things more deeply than other people do. I know that I feel things very deeply. I sit with them for longer than I should, I worry about them much more than I should. This is just who I am. Just what my life is. I am a writer. I have been since at least the 3rd grade. It has been the thing I've most valued about myself. But, it's also the thing that drives me crazy. Whatever I am feeling or dealing with invades every aspect of my thinking. When I sit down to write, no matter the subject, I will end up writing about my current state of mind. This is fine if and only if I am writing for myself. But, when I am attempting to blog, this is a nuisance. I write about the exact thing I would rather not talk about. It makes my blogs sad and angry. And, I do not like to project those feelings into the universe. So, this makes it hard to blog daily. But, I write and write until I can get around my issue. I wonder if this is common for other writers? If they too deal with this stumbling block. I don't like it but I can't shake it. I guess it's just the creative process I have to go through to get to the good stuff. It's hard but worth it. So, here I sit, writing about anything but the topic at hand until the words find me. I have learned that this takes time. And, sometimes the words don't ever show up. Then, I just stop and start over the next day. It's what writers do. It's what I do.

Ladies Love Lyrics: Brandy "Do You Know"

Lately I've had the strangest feeling. I'm up...again since insomnia knows my name. Excuse me if there are any typos. I'm sleepy but can't sleep. I've had this song on repeat for hours now. So, I decided to share a track off of Brandy's "Two Eleven." This needs to be a single because well it's dope.

"Now all I hear you saying is don't stop
Did did you forget that?
What's that look on your face?
Are you surprised?
(You act like you can't believe this Gon and lay your head back
While I set it off
What you thinkin bout
Is it me your heart
You say you'll never leave
I ain't insecure
What you yelling for
Already

Chorus:
Do you know what you got here (do you know)?
Do you know what you got here (do you know)?
Do you know what you got here (do you know)?
Do you know what you got here (do you know)?

I don't think you recognize
Love
I'm certified ride or die
Trust
Why do I have to ask (what)
Is it good enough (what)
Don't you see in me (what)
What I'm committed for (what) Take a bullet for ya (what)
If I had to (what)
Take my heart from me
might point it at you..."

Christmas Jeer

Bah humbug indeed!! I am NOT in a Christmas mood. I have no holiday cheer at all. It is no where to be found inside of me. I can't shake the feeling. So, I've given up on it. The only thing I'm looking forward to is Christmas Day with my family. I'm hoping that being around them will re-energize me. I try my best to not let much get to me. There are sometimes that I fail. Like right now. I haven't been resting peacefully at all. I can't. My mind is in overdrive for hours at night. My head is heavy with a thousand and one thoughts and scenarios. None of them have been pretty. My heart is another story all together. I cannot even begin to attempt to put those thoughts into words. They wouldn't make any sense to any one but me. I feel helpless, on the verge of hopeless. Clearly a holiday spirit is not living within me right now. I have been over-analyzing, over-thinking every thing. The only reason I am still blogging right now is because of a promise I made to myself. I wanted to blog daily for a year. I am almost to my goal. I can't let anything stop me from getting to it. So, I will blog my way through my feelings. I will stick to my goal, by any means necessary. Here's hoping that your holidays are filled with more cheer than mine have been so far. Happy Holidays to you guys!

#30in30: Friends With Restrictions

Today's topic is inspired by a post on Facebook. The question posed was this: "You are planning your wedding. Your best friend's hair/size/etc. doesn't fit with your ideas for your event. Do you not allow them to participate or do you adjust your vision a bit?" This topic struck a distinct nerve with me. I've been personally affected by this situation. It didn't take me long to recall my feelings on it. I've been in a few weddings and have seen the way they affect those involved. I was completely caught off guard in the situation. Let me tell you what happened to me.

For years, she and I bonded over many things. She would often say "when I get married, you know you're in my bridal party." It was an understanding between the two of us. So, when she became engaged, I just knew I was in the wedding. Imagine my surprise when that turned out not to be the case. Her reason was ridiculous for rescinding the offer. She also didn't even tell me face to face. She left me a message. There comes a moment when you realize who your friends are. The moment my "friend" left that messed up voicemail I knew. It made me realize that we weren't the good friends I thought we were. I was so hurt by her words. From that moment, our friendship was forever broken. We weren't the same two girls anymore.

Weddings seem to bring out an ugly side of people. Looking back on the situation, I realized that the friendship had restrictions. And, they seemed to remove around the size of my chest. That was the reason I was unceremoniously kicked out of the wedding party. It hurt. I held on to that hurt for a while. It made me self conscious about something I could not change or control. It made me sad. This is only my second time telling this story. It doesn't hurt anymore. I learned a lesson. I know what I will and won't do to my family & friends when my day comes. That day will be all about love & family, the family I was born into, the one I am marrying into & the one I handpicked. That's what I want.

Residual Effects

There have been many situations where I find my inner reaction to not be the best. But what can you do when someone has hurt your feelings and too much time has passes? This person may believe that the situation has been squashed. In reality, you're still the injured party. You still get upset when you think back on things. Your feelings are still hurt. It could be a case where you have to man/woman up and deal. Your own emotions may make you hold on to the pain. Which is never good. But it is the way you feel.

I am not good at dealing with feelings that take me outside of my comfort zone. I hate to deal. I cry a lot. I literally cry at the mere thought of the situation. That's how hurt I can be about it. I don't like leaving things unresolved. But every situation in life does not warrant closure. Some times it's just better to move forward. I don't like people to know that their actions have a lingering effect on me.

So, in an effort to deal, I push my feelings down deep. I try my best to not think about the wrong that was done to me. I'm very good at moving on in the sense that no one will ever know what I'm feeling. I know I can sensitive to some things. There are times when I just keep my mouth closed and process things internally. That works well for me. I do not like having residual emotions concerning any situation. I like things settled. That's all I can do. I settle things in my own way. It's the only option that doesn't hurt any one else. I just deal with my own feelings. Some, I'm better at this than others. I do get things solved.

Ladies Love Lyrics: Floetry "Feelings"

Floetry was the perfect group to me. These two ladies were the perfect blend of a melodic soulful voice and spoken word. I feel like we (their fans) were robed of future greatness from them when the group disbanded. All we have now are their two wonderful cds. I can still listen to both without skipping a song. One song I love is "Feelings." I will always remember exactly where I was when I first heard it. I was visiting Baltimore and heard it riding around the city. I loved it instantly and still do. It's just that kind of song that stays with you. Enjoy!


"I'm emotional,
You're emotional,
Could be why we always argue our…
Conversations short,
We cant open up,
It's just become,
Much too difficult,
I don't know what to do,
Don't know what to prove.
This is more than me,
So much more than you.
Can we make it through?
You and I.
I can't decide.

I just can't decide,
If it's you I want,
Don't wanna choose between,
Having you in my life,
Or loosing you for real.

Because I caught feelings.(Feelings)
Are we falling in love with our fears?
I caught feelings.(Feelings)
'Cause we're acting like we're really here, we're not really here.
Caught feelings.(Feelings)
I'm not afraid of the pain.

I'm a stubborn girl,
You're a stubborn guy,
Could be why,
We fight all the time.
If it's not your way,
Then it must be mine.
Can't communicate,
Can't even compromise.
I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to prove.
This is more than me,
So much more than you.
Can we make it through?
You and I,
I can't decide...

The Struggle

There are a few things that I struggle with on a daily. That's human though. I don't want everything to be perfect because honestly perfect seems boring. I just want to be able to control and handle things. That really speaks to the oldest child syndrome that I was blessed with. Firstborns don't have a choice but to be in charge. We need to run things. I guess we all have control issues. I can cook to that. It is all a huge struggle.

There are certain things going on in my life that I have no control over. Like people I love are in situations that I can't help them with. I can't fix it to them or make it better to them. That kills me. I don't like feeling useless. That is on of the worst feelings ever. To know that there is nothing in my power that can change things for them. I struggle with the fact that it's not my responsibility to fix everything for everyone. I guess that is just on of my flaws. I'm coming to accept this about myself.

I know that all I can do is let them know that I'm here for them. Tell them that my arms are open for them, I'll always be here to listen and my shoulders were built for them to lean on. It's the best thing I can think of in a situation like this. Helpless is a horrible way to feel. I know that the struggle of bar for them as well. Sometimes we all could just use a friend. In the end, that's all that really matters.

Let's Discuss Music...

Music is my life. It has been one of the most consistent stables in my life. It's no secret that I am an avid music fan. I think have a unique relationship with it. So, I am always excited about new music. When I am a fan of an artist, I'm anticipating anything new and fresh from them. I tend to take it personally when new music is bad. It truly hurts my spirit. I feel slightly disrespected because I've wasted my money on trash. I love to sit with a new cd for a few days and only listen to it. I like to formulate my opinion of it from this. I complete submerge myself into the music. This is the way I like to get into new music.



In the last year, there has been a plethora of great music released. And, my ears have been very happy about it. The cd's that still get a lot of play in my house are : Watch The Throne, Beyoncé, Adele, Jessie J, Big Sean, Ledisi, PJ Morton, Rhianna, Kanye West, Jill Scott, and Nicki Minaj to name a few. But, on the converse side of that are the really bad ones. The cd's that made me frown and were thrown away after a listen or three. They are Chrisette Michelle, Kelly Rowland, Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, Jennifer Hudson, Fantasia, and Lady Gaga. I do not know what direction the artist were attempting to go, but they failed in my eyes. There may have been a few songs I liked but as a complete project I did not get it.



Music makes me happy. It can change my mood at any given time. I like to think of myself as a music connoisseur. I love how it can connect people. I get deep into music, the lyrics, and the meaning behind it. I dissect a song from beginning to end. There are a few projects that I am looking forward to this fall. "Take Care" from Drake being number one on that list. One of my favorite artist has a cd coming out soon but I am not excited about it. I feel like Mary J Blige's latest offerings have not been what I want from her. The music sounds too young. And, it just isn't a good look. I will take a listen when it drops but I have a feeling that I won't be purchasing it. That makes me sad too. But, I cannot support what I do not get. Music has to move me. If it doesn't, what's the point? I don't know anyone else who gets music like I do. It is just my thing. Music brings me to a very happy place.

Going With My Gut

When something is really good or right, I feel it. When something is wrong or bad, I feel it. We all have those feelings in the pit of our stomach. Some of us ignore them. I've never been able to do that. I listen to my instincts. I love that gut feeling when something or someone is good. It kinda like feeling the sunshine on my face. When I first met a person or enter into a situation and everything just feels good and right, I just know it. There is no denying it. I especially love when I'm the only person who can foresee the goodness and righteousness of a situation. That truly makes me smile.

I hate that feeling when it's associated with something bad. It's a dreadful feeling. It's like I'm waiting on the other shoe to drop. Do you know how crazy that could drive someone? I am a control freak. I do not like the unknown. I am very selective of the people I let in my life. I am huge on first impressions. If I get a bad first impression, it takes a whole lot for me to change my mind on a person. That bad gut feeling sucks.

Gut feelings are, in my opinion, internal detectors. It's that nagging feeling you cannot shake. One can try but it never goes away. And, truthfully, why would one want to get rid of such a good trait? We all need this to exist. We need it to self protect also. I always go with my gut. My instincts have not led me astray in 31 years. I'm gonna continue to do that.

Moment of Music

So, I'm in a Jay-Z mood :) Here are some of my favorite tracks by the man!







I LOVE this song because it samples one of my favorite songs from the musical "Oliver!"







"Over my right shoulder, I told you to wipe your eyes. Take your time when you're liking a guy. Cause if he sense your feelings too intense, it's pimp or die!"





"I am your prescription, I'm your physician, I'm your addiction."
"I am so dope like Louboutins with red bottoms. You gotta have em. You glad you got em."