When Insomnia Strikes & Ambien Doesn't Help

Rejection. It's a word we all know. It's a word and a feeling I despise. It's also the reason for this post. I have been thoroughly conflicted about, well, life this year. I had the most prolific epiphany the other day. I've been a heartbroken beautiful mess this year. I did not know how to truly function. Or how to work my way through it. The heartbreak was horrific to me. But, there was another aspect I had not acknowledged until now. It was the rejection that made it sting. I had to sit down and write out the names of every boyfriend I ever had to figure it out. No boy/man had broken up with me since I was 14. I am 33 now. That is literally my entire dating life. I have always been the one who ended things and walked away. It has been my modus operandi, my defense mechanism. I did not want to give any guy the chance to truly hurt me so I left before they could or I caught feelings. No problem, right? Wrong.

That way of living set me up for a great fall. I wasn't prepared for the rejection. It hit me so hard and knocked me on my behind. I know that he may not see it that way but it read as the ultimate rejection. Being rejected by someone you love is awful. I cannot even fully explain it in words. It's just a feeling I don't ever want to feel again. Ever. I can take rejection in other areas in life. I'm strong enough to handle it. But, in love, I cannot. I get it. It's not something I'm used to nor should I be. It is just a part of life that I'd gladly give up. Papi, no mas! Do. Not. Want. It's kind of terrifying the things you learn about yourself in the middle of the night when insomnia strikes and Ambien doesn't help. 

Residual Effects

There have been many situations where I find my inner reaction to not be the best. But what can you do when someone has hurt your feelings and too much time has passes? This person may believe that the situation has been squashed. In reality, you're still the injured party. You still get upset when you think back on things. Your feelings are still hurt. It could be a case where you have to man/woman up and deal. Your own emotions may make you hold on to the pain. Which is never good. But it is the way you feel.

I am not good at dealing with feelings that take me outside of my comfort zone. I hate to deal. I cry a lot. I literally cry at the mere thought of the situation. That's how hurt I can be about it. I don't like leaving things unresolved. But every situation in life does not warrant closure. Some times it's just better to move forward. I don't like people to know that their actions have a lingering effect on me.

So, in an effort to deal, I push my feelings down deep. I try my best to not think about the wrong that was done to me. I'm very good at moving on in the sense that no one will ever know what I'm feeling. I know I can sensitive to some things. There are times when I just keep my mouth closed and process things internally. That works well for me. I do not like having residual emotions concerning any situation. I like things settled. That's all I can do. I settle things in my own way. It's the only option that doesn't hurt any one else. I just deal with my own feelings. Some, I'm better at this than others. I do get things solved.

Forgive and Forget

That is the question. How do we forgive and forget? Forgiveness. It's an 11 letter word that means so much. It is defined as being "disposition or willingness to forgive." The act of forgiving is huge. But, forgiving is not about the person who hurt, harmed, or wronged you. Forgiving is about you. To be able to forgive is an enormous feat. It takes a lot out of a person to forgive. But forgiveness is one of the best gifts one can give to themselves. Forgiveness is a not a right but a must.

Forgiveness is a long, twisty, and winding road. I know this from experience. But, on day, I had an epiphany. I released that holding onto that hurt was eating away at me. The person who hurt me had moved on. They were over it. Where did that leave me and my hurt feelings? No where. Exactly. That day, I decided to no longer hold grudges. It makes no sense. Why hold on to the pain? I just let go. It was the best feeling in the world to know that I was in charge of how I would feel. This was

I think we all forget that forgiveness is not about the person who wronged you. Forgiveness is for yourself. It takes up so much emotional energy to hold onto that anger. It eats you up inside. Holding grudges isn't healthy at all. We all get so caught up in focusing on what a person has done to us. I have forgiven those who hurt me. I forgave them for my own sanity. Forgive them for yourself. It's the only way to exist.