This Past Week

This past week has been a really heavy one for me for two very specific reason. I dread September 23rd yearly. It is the day my Dad was killed. It's been 16 years. Some years are easier than others. This was not an easy year. Mainly because I have felt like I needed him more in the last two years. Wait, no. I know I needed him in 2013. It was a dark year and I desperately need fatherly advice from my Father. It's moments like those that remind me that I am a fatherless daughter and it sucks. My Dad was not a perfect man or father but he was mine. I look at pictures of him and see myself in his face. It's crazy how one person's act (killing my Dad) could STILL affect a family years later. His picture is below. We have the same nose, same eyes. His face is my face. I miss that man.   

The second reason is the guy in the picture below. He is my Uncle Larry. His birthday was September 26th. He was killed in 2000. He was my absolute favorite person when I was growing up. He was a father figure. I was blessed to have him in my life. He talked to like an adult even though I was a kid. He was straight up and straight forward with me. He schooled me on life, boys, and music. I miss sitting in my room with him and just zoning out to music. He was taken from us way too soon. Unlike with my Dad's case, we received justice. It took 8 years but his killer was arrested and convicted. On his birthday, I always remember those little gems he always dropped on me. I still miss him. This week took a lot out of me emotionally. But, I made it  and I know both my Dad and uncle would want it that way. Happy Birthday, Uncle Larry. Rest in peace, Daddy. 

"Some days, I just miss my Father."

"I Get So Emotional Baby"

It has been said that women are emotional creatures. I agree with this to a point. I think that both women and men can be emotional. We are all human beings capable of feeling emotions. I believe that it is more widely accepted for women to express those emotions. It is more than ok for a woman to cry whereas a man is perceived by society to be less than if he does. How silly is that? Crying is a normal human reaction. We are all equipped with tear ducts. To me, that means that crying is something we're supposed to do. Why are we expected to bottle all of that up just to make it through the day?

I abhor being too emotional. I cannot control my emotions and that is not a good thing for me. Now, I will say I have gotten much better at keeping my emotions at bay in most instances. I do not fly off the handle about any and every thing. I've grown. I am a woman who likes to be in control of things. It is why emotions are not my cup of tea. I dislike that I can  control so much but there are instances that I cannot. Certain people and events bring out the most emotional side of me. It is the worst when it happens because of someone I love. They are the people I care about most in the world and that gives them the keys to pushing my buttons. It sucks to be truly vulnerable with people and have them use it against you. How exactly am I not supposed to get emotional?

I have found a way to cope. I am no longer only ruled by what I feel. I count to ten in my head before I react. I write things down a lot when it comes to my emotions. I have learned that no one cares about a person, place or thing in the exact same manner I do. So, why get worked up about it? Even when it comes to love and someone hurting you. Why would I continue to tell someone how I feel when it means nothing anymore? Simple: I won't. I keep it to myself. I'm no longer comfortable expressing every thought in my mind or emotion on my heart to everyone. Some will never see things my way or feel how I feel. Others won't ever get it, get me. That's more than ok. I understand myself perfectly, even when I am super emotional. Maybe this has to do with the fact that I'm a woman. I wasn't raised to believe that I have to hide what I'm feeling. I had to learn the hard way that the world does not truly appreciate this. I was not born to please the world. So, I will continue to live life on my terms. Oh, yeah, and will change the rules at any given moment. Pay attention!

Hyper-emotional Week

What is it about women's hormones that makes us extra emotional once a month? I hate this part about being a woman. I hate that my body and my usually sensible emotions betray me every 28 days. It's like the tiniest things set me off. So far this week, I've cried every day. Over things that normally wouldn't get me all amped up. It's almost as if I'm a different person right before my cycle shows up.

Why is this our lives, women? How unfair is it? In general, I am a strong, brassy woman. I have a pretty good poker face. I've learned how to hold my emotions in. I only allow some to see me that way. But, for the last 3 days, I've been this other side of me. This soft and pink and weepy side of me. I do not like. I literally cried over the picture of a baby. Yes, I did. I'm not proud of this. But, clearly I cannot help it. I would love it if I could though.

I find myself a bit irrational. So I try no to project that on to others. It's all my pms related emotions. They are all over the place. So its hard to deal sometimes. I'd rather just get in bed and bury my head under the comforter. I know that it is just the way life is. I blame those weaklings Adam and Eve for this. It'll all be over soon so there's that. I know it could be worse. It actually has been worse before. Tomorrow's another day for me to fight the good fight.

Right Side Vs. Left Side of the Brain

I had a epiphany tonight. While watching one of my favorite shows SATC, Carrie Bradshaw wrote "It’s a pretty common belief that women tend to use the left, more emotional side of their brain, and men the right, more logical side. But is it really that cut and dry? It seems that when it comes to affairs of the heart, there’s a battle between what we know and what we feel. So, what do you do when you find yourself in a situation that leaps back and forth between the left and right side?” That made me think about the fundamental differences between women and men and the way we approach and handle things. I'm not here to claim that women are superior to men or vice versa. We're just different. We see things slightly differently and react to them that way. I do not fall into the category of believing that women are from venus and men are from mars. We have a lot in common but there are differences.

I can be very emotional. I also know how to control how much of that I show to people. I've been in a plethora of situations where I've wondered how could the man involved not see what I see. Or how could he not know how pissed I was. Even if I did not verbally admit it, everything about my demeanor screamed anger. I get quiet, my body is tense, arms crossed, I would be literally radiating heat from my body. Yet, he would look so bewildered when I would say I was mad. I'm not on to hold my tongue when I'm mad. I like to express myself fully. Men on the other hand are not like that. It's like pulling teeth to get to the root of a problem. They are generally never too forthcoming about feelings and emotions. Even when talking to my brother, I know I have to ask a very specific question to get anything out of him. It's draining.

Women are usually talkative. We like to share. We're expressive and emotional. We feel deeply. And we're used to discussing it with our girls. Men aren't usually like that. Yes, they can and will open up about certain things. But, I do not believe that they will ever be as quick to share as women are. It's taken me a long time to understand that fundamental difference between men and women. I've learned what questions to ask or not ask. I pay attention to the nonverbal communication as well. And, I know that sometimes the talker needs to just be the listener. It's easier to hear what the man is feeling that way. What do you guys think?