A Moment of Truth

Fears. We all have them. We all live with them or conquer them. But, they are a part of life. My fears have changed since I was a kid. They've gotten bigger and also more specific. My biggest fear is an all encompassing one. It has evolved. My fear is now multifaceted. I fear that I will end up alone and childless. And, even more, I fear that there will never be another man who will look at me and truly see me and love me and more importantly, make the choice to stay while choosing me every day. It's what keeps me up at night. Has for months now. It is the reason why I haven't dated anyone else. I know for a fact that I couldn't survive another heartbreak. So, it's easier to be alone, to cut myself off from people. Because the reality is, I'm the only person who isn't capable of hurting me. It's easier not to feel or engage or pursue those avenues. It's better to stay behind this brick wall I've built back up around me. I'm smart enough to know that this isn't healthy and that my thoughts are a tad bit irrational. But, I'm also smart enough to know that I feel what I feel for a reason. Everything comes back to our personal experiences. 

Family and friends alike have told me that I shouldn't feel this way. Excuse me? No one can tell me how I should feel. And, the reality is that I feel like this. These are my thoughts, my feelings. They are real and they matter. If only because I felt them. I have stopped talking to them about this issue because no one really gets it. And, I don't fault them for it. This is my issue, my concern, my messed up emotional issues. I am praying that one day I'll be able to go to sleep without thinking about this fear. That I will wake up and it will have disappeared. Here's hoping that despair can be replaced with optimism. I do not want the things that have happened to me to determine what will happen for me. That is my definition of hell. My life being a series of reactions instead of actions. I'm way too headstrong and strong willed for that. That's not the woman I am or aspire to be. So, I'm on a journey to defeat this fear and way of thinking. There can only be one outcome: me winning. I am posting this to give myself a mirror to look in. I need to be accountable to myself. I'm ashamed of myself for letting this fear paralyze me. They say if you change your way of thinking, you can change your life. That is my motto now. 

Get Into It: Daily Horoscope App

I am not a hard core believer in astrology. I don't pick my friends by their signs. I don't live my life according to the stars. I am well aware of my Sagittarius traits. I do know what signs I don't get along with & the ones I will. Since nothing this year has gone according to my plans, I've started taking my daily horoscopes more seriously. It's been enlightening to have a little insight on the disarray that my life has become. I like to take in the information and use it in my pursuit of happiness. That's what it is to me. An avenue to get me to a better place. Any one who has read my blog lately can tell that I'm not myself, not in the best head space. But, I'm working on it. I'm slowly pulling myself out of this sea I've been in. I'm open to whatever works at this point.

I read my horoscope at night. I do this to see if my horoscope was right. It's kinda crazy how on point it's been for the last few weeks. I have this app called "Daily Horoscope" which sends it to me daily. The pictures are from my horoscope this week. Notice the pink/purple hue they are in. I opted for that. Also, you can check your yearly horoscope, Chinese horoscope, compatibility and druid horoscopes. It's also color customizable and you can set a horoscope reminder. I like all the features. I also read the yearly horoscope of another sign. For reasons. And, it made me ubër sad. Only because I believe it will affect me as well. I've been searching for clarity for weeks now. This app gives me a little of that. If you're curious like I was, I suggest getting into the Daily Horoscope app. It's available for Android and iPhone users. It's also $Free.99 which is always a great thing. What sign are you? Let's talk!

I've Decided...

^^^^ This gif is my new personal mantra. Being sad sucks. It solves nothing, changes nothing. My situation is still the same. No amount of tears or stressing or being sad will change any of it. Being sad is time consuming, life consuming. It has taken over every aspect of my personality, of my life, and my body. And, I am so tired. Tired of feeling this sadness, tired of carrying this heaviness around daily in my heart. I have decided that I can't bear this weight any longer. It's suffocating me. I've been drowning in my own sea of sadness. And, then I finally had a light bulb moment. I am my own savior from this. No one else can save me from these feelings. So, I became my own life boat.



I am thankful for the site Penzu. It is an online journal site. It has saved me. I've written so much there. It has given me a place to get out all of my sadness, anger, questions, concerns, thoughts and ramblings. I have never been the woman who shared everything. I solve my own problems. I'm the one everyone comes to for advice. So, now that I am in a position where I really need to talk, I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to. So, I vent online under a very securely protected account. It's my solace through this. I was writing multiply times a day on Penzu. Now, I am down to just once a day. I give myself one moment to feel all the sadness my heart holds, to think all the thoughts and get them all out in one sitting. During the day, I have found ways to get out of my own head. The nights are still torture, still the hardest part of my day. Writing helps this writer. Also, so does my Tumblr page. I deleted my old one but I'm back on it. I post songs, quotes and photos that express whatever is on my mind. That may not be a good thing, but I do it anyway.



It's strange how one moment can make you question everything. That's what I've been dealing with. The "what ifs" and the "how comes." They run rampant in my head. And, they keep me up all hours of the night. I haven't really figured out how to prevent this. I've tried ZZZquil and sometimes it works. Meditation does not because I can't clear my mind to do it. But, I am working through it. But, I feel like I am on the mend. I do not know how long it will be before I am back to myself. I am holding on to that hope. I am still sad. I am just not allowing myself to wallow in it. I have been doing that for almost a month now. No good has come of it. Actually, I've made myself feel worse. So, I'm done with that. I'm over that phase. I have to be. There is no other choice to be made.

As We Lay

I was listening to Songza as I do every night now. The remake of "As We Lay" by Kelly Price came on. I began to pay more attention to the lyrics. And, I became a little perturbed by the bs of it all. I was instantly reminded of my childhood. My Mom despised this song. So much so that I wasn't allowed to sing the original by Shirley Murdock. This track got no love in our household. I didn't know then what I know now. This song is the epitome of some gutter hoe shit. My Mother was correct to be so adamantly against her daughter singing it.



Of course, the infidelity is the biggest issue. I mean if you cheat on me I'm definitely going to leave you. That's just me & my stance. But what really pissed me off was a few lines in the second verse. Kelly sings "Goodbye baby. You're leaving me. I know you've got to hurry home to face your wife, wife. I would never want to hurt her, no, no, no. She would never understand. You belong to me for just one night." o_O My initial reaction was "Heffa please!" Listen, I am a lot of things. But, a stupid woman isn't one of them. If my husband had the balls to stay out all night, just know he wouldn't be coming home to me. If dude stays out all night without a reasonable excuse, we're going to have a misunderstanding.



And, the only excuse would be one of two things. Either he was unconscious in the E.R. or he was in jail & couldn't call. There is no other option. If a man is bold enough to not only have an affair but also to stay out all night with his side piece, he has no love or respect for me or our marriage. Dude walk in my house after being out all night with ya jump-off. See how that works out for you. I probably shouldn't blog when I haven't slept & have spent too many hours over thinking thoughts because this happens. But, it's my real feelings on it. Either way, I'm cool on the entire aspect of "As We Lay."

Life of a Writer

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”
- Anaïs Nin

Writers are extremely creative people. This is also the gift and the curse. I believe that artists feel things more deeply than other people do. I know that I feel things very deeply. I sit with them for longer than I should, I worry about them much more than I should. This is just who I am. Just what my life is. I am a writer. I have been since at least the 3rd grade. It has been the thing I've most valued about myself. But, it's also the thing that drives me crazy. Whatever I am feeling or dealing with invades every aspect of my thinking. When I sit down to write, no matter the subject, I will end up writing about my current state of mind. This is fine if and only if I am writing for myself. But, when I am attempting to blog, this is a nuisance. I write about the exact thing I would rather not talk about. It makes my blogs sad and angry. And, I do not like to project those feelings into the universe. So, this makes it hard to blog daily. But, I write and write until I can get around my issue. I wonder if this is common for other writers? If they too deal with this stumbling block. I don't like it but I can't shake it. I guess it's just the creative process I have to go through to get to the good stuff. It's hard but worth it. So, here I sit, writing about anything but the topic at hand until the words find me. I have learned that this takes time. And, sometimes the words don't ever show up. Then, I just stop and start over the next day. It's what writers do. It's what I do.

Ladies Love Lyrics: Brandy "Do You Know"

Lately I've had the strangest feeling. I'm up...again since insomnia knows my name. Excuse me if there are any typos. I'm sleepy but can't sleep. I've had this song on repeat for hours now. So, I decided to share a track off of Brandy's "Two Eleven." This needs to be a single because well it's dope.

"Now all I hear you saying is don't stop
Did did you forget that?
What's that look on your face?
Are you surprised?
(You act like you can't believe this Gon and lay your head back
While I set it off
What you thinkin bout
Is it me your heart
You say you'll never leave
I ain't insecure
What you yelling for
Already

Chorus:
Do you know what you got here (do you know)?
Do you know what you got here (do you know)?
Do you know what you got here (do you know)?
Do you know what you got here (do you know)?

I don't think you recognize
Love
I'm certified ride or die
Trust
Why do I have to ask (what)
Is it good enough (what)
Don't you see in me (what)
What I'm committed for (what) Take a bullet for ya (what)
If I had to (what)
Take my heart from me
might point it at you..."

Picture This

No matter how strong a person appears to be, they can be broken. I know that I am a strong woman.It's the way I was raised. I handle things, I take care of people. It's just who I am. But, when everyone piles the weight of the world on the back of the supposedly "strong," how long before the strong break? It will happen because none of us are built to carry it all alone. So, yes, the strong can be broken. It takes more to break them. But, it will happen. It does happen. Maybe not often. And, the most annoying thing about being perceived as strong is that when you do break, you can't share that with anyone. The strong break in silence and in darkness. The strong break alone in their own spaces. It's annoying to have to hold the hurt & pain in. Mostly, I keep things to myself. I vent a lot here mainly because I know who in my circle reads this and who doesn't.

When the strong break, all they want is someone in their lives to realize it and offer their help. A shoulder to lean on, a hug, a kind word, or just a listening ear. It isn't much but to that strong, broken person it is the world. Because people expect the strong to be in control. This means that no one is ever truly there for them. That is the sad thing about being strong. It's a very lonely role to fill. So, yes, I am strong and maybe a little broken at times.That admission doesn't make me less strong. It just makes me more human. I know that I don't have to be superwoman every day. Hell, I don't have to be her at all. When I break, I take the time to feel what I'm feeling. Then, I put myself back together again. Strong always, broken sometimes, woman through and through. How about you?

Vibe's 20 Questions

Remember when Vibe magazine was the shit? I do. It was my fave until it fell off. One of my favorite aspects of the magazine was the "20 Questions." The questions were always on point. And mostly hilarious. So, that's where I'm aiming to go today. Come with me.

01. When in the hell did R&B music morph into this Euro-techno dance trash? I want my 90's R&B back por favor!
02. Aren't we all over discussing why Black men aren't dating Black women?
03. Furthermore, isn't the virtual assault on Black women old, tired and boring?
04. Seriously, what else does President Obama have to do to get his respect?
05. And, why the hell would Newsweek print a cover declaring President Obama as the "First Gay President?" Really white people? GTFOHWTBS!!
06. Isn't it sorta corny when a man refers to a woman as his queen or his rib? Especially when he isn't the least bit faithful?
07. Aren't 3 day weekends wonderful?
08. Are you guys really taking Mitt Romney seriously? Really?
09. Why are people even interested in this obviously faux relationship between Kanye and that chick?
10. Why do people hate on Beyonce' so hard and so much? I don't get the utter obsession with downing her every move.
11. Don't we all want Cassie to give up her "singing" career and stick to modeling?
12. Who decided that celebrities no longer have to be talented? And why did we let them get away with this?
13. Aren't the made up middle names on Facebook annoying as hell?
14. Why do people believe that gay marriages will somehow effect the sanctity of marriage? Don't they know that the divorce rate of first marriages disrupt the sanctity of marriage?
15. When did trashy reality shows take over tv?
16. And furthermore, when will it end?
17. Isn't it great that the Lakers have been knocked out of the playoffs?
18. Why does the week pass so slow and the weekend so fast? Who designed it this way?
19. Why was this so fun to come up with? :-)
20. When will VH1 cancel the disgrace that is "Basketball Wives?"

Can I Just Be Over It?

Over-thinking. Over-analyzing. Stressing out. All parts of my life that I could use a whole lot less of. I am just about over it and them. I am always in my head. about anything and everything. Even after I've made a decision, I am still thinking about it. I analyze people, places, and things non-stop. It is commonplace with me. It's a part of my DNA. It's what I do. Some say it is my Sagittarian nature. I'm not exactly sure what it is but I know its who I am.

Sometimes there are questions that I have agonized over in my head for weeks. I hate to ask them. But, the answers are needed dearly in my life. I can literally make myself ill with worry. It's really not a healthy habit. I just do not know any other way. I am who I am. All of my little idiosyncrasies make me who I am. I do not worry others with this issue. I tend to keep it to myself for the most part. People always tell me not to stress over over think. But, that is easier said than done. It's very hard to break life long habits that are a deep part of your character.

Over-thinking and over-analyzing a situation does nothing for the situation honestly. It just stresses me out even more. I hate to fail. I would hate to make the wrong choice about something that could affect me for life. But what does calm me down is the fact that I know that life is always about those choices. that no matter what choice I make or don't make, life goes on. And that if I mess it up (which I def have in the past and will probably do in the future), I can fix it in my future. Free will is kind of awesome like that. My outside demeanor is always pretty cool. I'm really good at that. I have decided that working on this is a priority for me. Fingers crossed and prayers sent up that I can do it.

In Between Thoughts & Thanks

I changed the name of my blog a week or so ago. I think this title "In Between Thoughts" was more creative. It's also a better fit. This blog is about me and my life and everything else that crosses my mind. I'm usually in between a million thoughts when I sit and attempt to blog. The title is catchy an descriptive of me and what mind state I'm usually in. Sometimes I have a topic in mind when I blog. Other times, it's whatever pops in between my thoughts.

My focus is still the same. I'm just here, laying my heart and soul on the proverbial page. It's sort of therapeutic for me to get out my thoughts and feelings. If I can help another on my journey, how wonderful would that be? I'm just a woman writing my way through it all. Thank you guys for sharing my world. Thank you for reading, thank you for commenting. It means the world to me.