Mixed Drinks

Seriously.

Who knew feelings would become so damn complicated post 30?! I just knew I would have that portion of the program figured out. But, I also thought I would be a wife & mom to at least 2 by this age. Clearly, I was totally wrong about all of it. Love & relationships aren’t really meant to be this damn complex for the 30 & over crowd. We’re supposed to have learned so much from our 20’s. And, granted, I’ve learned a lot. But, the greatest lesson came when I was 33 & I still don’t really know what the purpose was.

It’s difficult for me to admit failure in regards to aspects of my life plans. I hate for folks to say that it’s just being delayed. It doesn’t help me. I’m still behind on things want out of life. This is why I say that “feelings suck, avoid them at all costs.” I care too much. I feel too much. I fall too deep. And, clearly I’ve chosen the wrong men. So, now what?

The truth is I’m afraid to feel something. Afraid to open my heart and life to anyone new. Mainly because I could be hurt again. I know that this isn’t living. I am trying my best to get back to that place where I thought love was possible. I have to if I want to have any chance at having my own family. I know it’s going to take some faith on my part. I’m doing the work. I’ll figure it out when it’s time,when the right one makes his presence known. That’s all I can do, right? For the moment, I'll continue to sip this drink and think. 

Securely Vulnerable

"Well, I hope one day you find someone with whom you can be securely vulnerable." - Shay

The other night I was scrolling my Tumblr dashboard when my girl Shay dropped the above reply and it floored me. The discussion was about Black men being vulnerable with their women. That they need to be able to show emotion, weakness within their relationships. The phrase "securely vulnerable" is one that stood out to me. Vulnerability is something that I wrestle with because of how much you have to trust the people in your life with your somewhat fragile heart. The word vulnerable is defined as "easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally or emotionally; open to attack, harm, or damage. Being in love is the act of leaving yourself vulnerable to pain but trusting your lover to not do so. The act of being vulnerable with anyone is one that takes a lot of courage and heart. 

 

To me saying "I love you" is one of the biggest acts of vulnerability. Because loving someone opens you up to the possibility of getting your heart broken and getting hurt. And, to me, those two are the worst kind of emotional pain I have ever experienced. Loving people, openly and honestly, takes courage. It takes faith. Being vulnerable is not something that I . I think vulnerability is a trait that we all should aspire to. Yes, there is a risk but the reward is so much higher. I call my being vulnerability "soft and pink" because I feel like it is the most girly part of me. It's the part of me that is sensitive. To me, being securely vulnerable in a relationship is the most amazing thing. I've only achieved this once in my 34 years. The idea of that level of vulnerability seems daunting to try to achieve again. While I had it, I was totally enveloped in it. I thrived in it. I wondered how I lived without it. Now, that I do not have it anymore, I ache for it. The thought of it makes me happysad. Honestly, it's something I want again but this time I won't let it slip away. I want nothing more than to be securely vulnerable.

Let Me Tell You About Me

We all have those moments, days when we feel less than. We aren't happy with our bodies or our hair or our jobs or situations. There are days when we feel like nothing will ever be perfect. It's normal. I want to discuss this. It isn't about what anyone else thinks of us or how the world sees us. Because even on my worst day, a compliment can only brighten my mood for a moment. I can be my harshest critic. I do hold myself to a high standard. I am harder on me than anyone else could ever be. But, this rant isn't about that. This is about celebrating myself and all the things I love about me. Because the world is a hard and cold place. But, we all need to stand in the sunshine a little more. So, no I am no where near perfect nor do I want to be. 

I'll begin with the physical. I LOVE my legs. They are a distinctly different color than the rest of me. They hardly ever darken up but I love them. Especially when I have on a dress or skirt or tights or thigh highs. My eyes are interesting. I love them the most when I am smiling so hard that they kinda disappear because of my cheeks. My cheeks are huge and they make me happy. I am obsessed with my eyebrows because, in all honesty, they are perfect. My hair is thick and glorious. My brown skin is always soft and silky. Of course, I really love my boobs. It took me a long time to accept them. When you go from barely having anything to a full C cup over a summer in high school, being overly self conscious about your boobs is normal. They are real and they are fabulous. It is a huge deal to love and accept  yourself.

I love the way I see the world. The way my mind works amazes and terrifies me. I think that I'm a dope person and I have no issues with spending time with myself. I think it's important. My love of reading and music is unmatched by anyone personally know. My thirst for knowledge is insane. I am hella silly and laughing is a must. I love that I don't take myself too seriously and can laugh at myself. I have no issues with being emotional because my feelings are valid. So if I need to cry or wonder or laugh or just stand still, I will and do. I like the fact that my friends and family come to my for advice. And that I am a great listener. There is no one like me on God's green Earth. I am unique. One of one. I was having a moment yesterday and needed to write this for myself. I encourage you all to do the same. There is more good than bad in all of us. Stop being so hard on yourself. Look into the mirror and smile at what God made. Love yourself like Kanye love himself lol. But, seriously, we all need to do this more often. That's my only point. I LOVE ME!!!!

"I Get So Emotional Baby"

It has been said that women are emotional creatures. I agree with this to a point. I think that both women and men can be emotional. We are all human beings capable of feeling emotions. I believe that it is more widely accepted for women to express those emotions. It is more than ok for a woman to cry whereas a man is perceived by society to be less than if he does. How silly is that? Crying is a normal human reaction. We are all equipped with tear ducts. To me, that means that crying is something we're supposed to do. Why are we expected to bottle all of that up just to make it through the day?

I abhor being too emotional. I cannot control my emotions and that is not a good thing for me. Now, I will say I have gotten much better at keeping my emotions at bay in most instances. I do not fly off the handle about any and every thing. I've grown. I am a woman who likes to be in control of things. It is why emotions are not my cup of tea. I dislike that I can  control so much but there are instances that I cannot. Certain people and events bring out the most emotional side of me. It is the worst when it happens because of someone I love. They are the people I care about most in the world and that gives them the keys to pushing my buttons. It sucks to be truly vulnerable with people and have them use it against you. How exactly am I not supposed to get emotional?

I have found a way to cope. I am no longer only ruled by what I feel. I count to ten in my head before I react. I write things down a lot when it comes to my emotions. I have learned that no one cares about a person, place or thing in the exact same manner I do. So, why get worked up about it? Even when it comes to love and someone hurting you. Why would I continue to tell someone how I feel when it means nothing anymore? Simple: I won't. I keep it to myself. I'm no longer comfortable expressing every thought in my mind or emotion on my heart to everyone. Some will never see things my way or feel how I feel. Others won't ever get it, get me. That's more than ok. I understand myself perfectly, even when I am super emotional. Maybe this has to do with the fact that I'm a woman. I wasn't raised to believe that I have to hide what I'm feeling. I had to learn the hard way that the world does not truly appreciate this. I was not born to please the world. So, I will continue to live life on my terms. Oh, yeah, and will change the rules at any given moment. Pay attention!

Anti-Valentine's Day: Out of Control

This gif accurately describes my life. I am def on an emotional rollercoaster. Extreme highs and the lowest of lows. I do not like when things in my life are out of control. That is when I am the most unlike myself. I feel frazzled. I like to be in control. Like things to go a certain way. Emotions are not like that. They aren't easily controlled. And, once something gets your emotions out of whack, there is nothing you can do. That is where I am. And, I'm truly not happy about it. It's not true to who I am in general. It is, however, true to what I am feeling. I am emotional more than I care to truly admit. It is seeping out of my pores every time I walk into a room. And, falling freely from my eyes and mouth as soon as I say a word. It is not the representation I want the world to see. But, I'm too tired to fight it. I'm too hurt to try to fake it for anyone. I am hurting. The world will deal. Also, screw Valentine's Day. I cannot deal with that today. 

 

People always say that women are so emotional. I have tried my best to not show many that side of me. I am passionate about many things. But, that really emotional side of myself is reserved for a select few. And, even then, I try to keep it under wraps. I just don't like to react or cry in private. I don't really like that my usual tactics aren't working. Or that my emotions are slipping through. I know it's a process that I have to go through. That doesn't mean I have to like it or even appreciate it. I am looking forward to the total numbness. I don't want to feel anything. That would make me feel better. Yes, I know that won't give me closure nor will it mean that I'm over it, but at least then I could deal. I could sorta return to my normal self. That is what I miss: normality. I have lost sight of that version of me. This overly emotional version has got to go. She is bringing me down. Well, farther than I already am. I need a reprieve, por favor.

'

Dear Diary (IV)

I celebrated my 33rd birthday a few days ago. I am usually very excited about my birthday. I don't feel that way at all this year. It's hard to explain but I just feel indifferent about it. I am feeling unlike myself today and I really don't like it. I decided a while back to blog everyday, even if I didn't feel like it (which is the case right now) or when I couldn't (I'd force my way through it). I've been told that I feel too much, too deep. It is the gift and the curse. Anyway, it's my birthday and I'm thankful for making it through another year. I do not know what will happen next. I'm just really praying that it is something awesome. I need that. I've been thinking about not blogging so much in the new year. Maybe just once a week or so. 33 seems like such a weird age. I am older and wiser but I feel like I'm missing something. Anywho, this is just the ramblings of a new 33 year old searching for the meaning of, well, everything.

I'm not a perfect person. I know that I'm spoiled and opinionated and a little selfish. I have a big personality. I am always working on me. I want to be more conscious and aware of the feelings of others. I have to work on not taking things so personal. I'm good at hiding that from others. But a lot of things affect me. And some times they are very small things. I am, by nature, a sarcastic smart ass. I've learned how to curb some of that. I do love the folks in my life that can take me full throttle. I've held my tongue a lot this year. My coping mechanism is to count to 10 in my head and just breath through it. It's worked wonders. I hate to apologize so this eliminates that.

I still have a "I don't give a fcuk" attitude about a lot of things and certain people. That's a classic and will not be changing ever. I can't make myself care about any person, place or thing that doesn't rate in my book. I'm just trying to better myself daily. I think that's the real purpose of life. Improving on what/who you are. It's an attainable goal for everyone. I'm just a woman, a natural dealer of words, a struggling Christian, a work in progress. Those are just some of my attributes. I'm on the road to gaining a few more titles. It's inevitable. It's my destiny. They are the things I daydream about. Often. So close to having exactly what my mind has thought of. I couldn't be more excited.

A Sappy Moment

Hi, my name is Kenda and I am a sap. I can admit this now. The word describes me adequately. I am what I am. When you are the oldest of 6 siblings, being soft or weak is clearly not an option. Yes, I am a woman. but, I am also the older sister who held things down and together. I was never big on being overly emotional, especially in public. I was always so closed off when it came to actually showing emotions that I could not control. Letting go of that has lightened the load on my shoulders. I have never been so

The older I have get, the more that has changed. I'm sure that it has more to do with the mental, emotional state I am currently in. I am now the woman who will cry while watching a sappy movie or tv show. Of course, music still resonates deeply with me. I get so teary eyed when my nephews (Kendrick, Philip, Kameran & Kole) and my nieces (Karmen & Kylah) tell me they love me. It's something about being an Auntie that has softened me. I never knew that such small people could capture so much of my heart. Their words affect me. When they call me and say "Teedy Kenda, I miss you" it makes my heart smile.

Introspection can be so freeing. I am still not that comfortable with crying in public. But, I will cry in front of my people. I cannot help it when I get overwhelmed emotionally. I have learned that I cannot carry everything inside of me. I believe that all of this makes me more feminine, more womanly. A lot of things and people have softened me. I like the way it feels to just allow myself to feel. Feeling and going with it is just wonderful. So, yes, I'm a sap. I blush when complimented, I cry when being told I love you, my eyes get filled with tears when i watch romantic comedies. That's just who I am. A huge sap. I am more than alright with that.

Dear Diary (III)

This has been a weird week. I've been all over the place emotionally. I've tried to write but everything I came up with was crap. Or it was to me. I misplaced my happy this week. I withdrew from the matrix that is the internet. I simply logged off. I did not tweet, refused to tumble, and blogging was a no go. I ignored phone calls, emails, and texts. In a way, I took a perpetual timeout. I couldn't function. Did not want to deal. So I didn't. I avoided the people who knew me best so I didn't have to own up to my mood. On all fronts, this week was a big fat epic fail.

It's just been a very long week. I'm tired, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have been sleep deprived. I'm just over it. I also gave up on the whole grin and bear it routine. I sat in my living room with the tv off and read. When the tv was on, I was oddly obsessed with the Casey Anthony trial. I attempted to write many times. It always ended up in the same arena. Writing has been the last thing on my mind. Probably because I know that my heart is in my writing. When I'm happy or sad or confused it always shows in my words. It's the gift and the curse. I've avoided writing for this reason alone. I don't even know if this makes sense.

I am realizing some truths about myself that I'm not too happy about. I need to work on my reactions to things. I like to think I'm nonchalant about things. But, the reality is I take things super personal. People hurt my feelings. For the most part, I'm able to hide it from the world. But, when I'm home, it breaks me. I found myself crying on the bathroom floor twice this week. Broken slightly. I had a moment, it lasted almost a week. I'm better now. Not completely fixed but I'm working on it. Now, if I could just fall asleep at a decent hour and sleep the whole night through, I'd be golden. Anyway, this was my hyper emotional, super reflective, uber weird week. I was not prepared for it. I did not enjoy it. As a matter of fact, I hated it. Everything happens for a reason right? I'm patiently awaiting the why of it, Diary.

Frozen Fear

Fear. A word I despise. An emotion that I feel makes me weak & takes away from the woman I am. There isn't much I fear. But, the ones I do have are pretty big. So much so that I feel like one in particular is preventing me from moving forward. That fear is failure. Failure in love to be specific. I think that would be the most tragic thing of all.

I'm afraid of failing at the one thing I know I need. I feel as if I will mess up love the next time it comes my way. The reason why I feel this way is because I feel like I messed it up the last time. I've only been in love once. And, it ended badly on all accounts. I was good & I was bad in that situation. I can't blame everything on him. Thus, being why I'm scared to open myself up to a new situation. I don't wanna hurt someone else. Because you know "hurt people hurt people." I'm to the point that I actually tense up @ the mere thought of it. This isn't good or healthy. Nor is it the life I want for me.

This fear is preventing me from getting to my future, from getting to my happy. I don't want to be the woman with regrets. That's not a life. In ten years, I don't want to look back & wonder what if. I want to be married with kids and enjoying my life. And, not embracing my fear. I know that I'm the only person who can get me from under the weight of my fear. I'm working on it. It's not going away as fast as I would like though. That frustrates me on some level. But, I refuse to give up. Al I can do is pray & push forward. I just hope that the person I'm sure my future lies with is still standing there with his arms open for me when I finally breakthrough. *fingers crossed & paryers sent up*


"The only thing we need to fear is fear itself, nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." - President Franklin D. Roosevelt

Emotional Walls

"Sometimes the walls you put up to protect your fragile broken heart, have a tendency to keep out the love you need to move on." - Me

Emotional walls.

We all have them.

We've all put them up in an effort to self-protection. But, is it possible that those same walls are preventing you from receiving love? Once I had my heart broken, it's been a really rough road to letting any other man get close to my heart. I finally realized that I was punishing myself. I faulted myself for my ex breaking my heart. I was so wrapped up in loving him that I lost me. So, I didn't think I was deserving of love. I mean, how could I be? I was broken and hurt and lost. It took me a good year before I finally felt whole again. I made a conscious decision to open myself up to the possibility of love. That was a huge step for me. But, at the beginning of the year, I finally felt ready. My emotional walls are coming down. I'm allowing myself the right to feel, to love, to be. And, maybe, just maybe, this time I'll get it right.