Ladies Love Lyrics: JE "Getting Over You"

Jagged Edge is back!!! Finally. these four guys have provided the soundtrack to some very important and specific moments in my life. I am a fan. I also love the combination of them, Jermaine Dupri and Bryan Michael Cox. It's a formula that cannot lose. I was excited to get my hands on "JE Heartbreak II" so that my ears could be happy. I instantly fell for two songs "Future" and "Getting Over You/" One is about seeing your future in the eyes in the one you love while the other represents the opposite end of love, the ending. Both spoke to me for decidedly different reasons. I chose "Getting Over You" because it was more closely related to my current situation. You should def get into the video above, the lyrics below and the cd in its entirety. 

I don't wanna spend, I don't wanna spendThe rest of my life getting ova youI don't wanna spend, I don't wanna spendThe rest of my life getting ova youMy soul I been pouring, I remember that morningYou left with no warning, I need you nowI don't wanna spend, I don't wanna spendThe rest of my life getting ova you, now
From the moment I walked in it was wrong, so wrongYeah and I looked around for a couple seconds andEverything, it was gone, it was gone, it was goneSo many things about ya, it was perfect for meCan't believe all my love has gone awayAnd I'm down in the dumpster, I'm bout to fill this cupBartender, fill me up..."

Transitions

My life is in transition. Transitioning into what? I'm not entirely sure. There was a time when I knew what I wanted and who I wanted to become. But, things have changed drastically. There are moments when I actually have no clue as to what's going on. There are days when I don't feel pretty or smart or together or focused. And, these are things I cannot lean on others for. Yes, accolades and compliments are great. But, if I don't believe them then they don't mean as much. My life has been spiraling for some time now. I have no destination and that scares the hell out of me. My reaction to a certain situation has caused me to cut people out. I am not as open with my friends as I used to be. I'm not as available either. I know this isn't the right course of action but it's the only way I know to protect all I hold dear. If I don't let anyone in, then no one can hurt me. This makes me a little colder I know. But, it's a practice that I've adapted. 

I can no longer hold onto the woman I was because, sadly, she no longer exists. But, I am apprehensive about the woman I am becoming because I do not know her yet. What my future holds? I really do not know. I want a few things that I have no clue how to achieve them but I will. I really thought I wanted to write but I've changed my mind about that. I've spent too much time feeling adrift in the last year and a half. I honestly don't have the luxury of time on my side. I will be 35 soon. It's the age I just knew I would have it all together. You know the marriage, the kids, the house and the career. I am so far removed from that ideal. I almost feel like this is my mid life crisis. I used to have the answers and I swear I do not anymore. I know that I'm not supposed to have it all figured out but I'd feel more secure if I knew more. Or if the answers were simpler. Transitioning is a must in life. It's just my season. A season of uncertainty and restructuring. Fingers crossed and prayers sent up that I end up exactly where I am supposed to be: in the middle of my own future. A future I can be proud of and exist happily in. I couldn't ask for anything more. 

Ladies Love Lyrics: Anthony Hamilton's "I'm A Mess"

This song truly explains my mind frame for the last 5 months. I'm truly a mess right now. I've avoided listening to it for months. But, I can't avoid the truth. I am the epitome of this song. I have to admit that. My head and heart are a complete and total mess. "Love is a muthafucka." ("love jones" quote). So, Im sure I'll regret this post as well. Whatever. It is what it is. Take a listen to my life on wax with Mr. Hamilton.


"I'm so torn up now can't believe I lost you
Lost my best friend my soul mate
can't believe it's true
We've invested in a set of twins a small house
and the dog cried out
Knew I was suffering
he was chained to my pain.
Me and you were meant to last forever 
And empty walls can't hold this house together
We were born to live and die together
And now ya gone and I'm so alone
Baby come on home

 [Chorus]
You could have called
you could have wrote
you could tried
I rather you slit me cross the throat
so I can die
 Instead of leaving no
explanation as to why
You don't want me no more
You don't want me no more.

I'm a mess right now
I can't eat can't sleep
Bills are piling high
ain't worked in three weeks
Ain't bathed can't shave cause
my heart is so tender
like living in a blender
I'm shaken and I'm stirred
You and me were meant to last forever 
And empty walls can't hold this house together
We were meant to lie and die together 
And now you're gone and I'm so alone 
Baby come on home..."

And It Came To Me Like An Epiphany

An epiphany is an experience of sudden and striking realization. Last night, I had a moment. It was what I call a lightbulb moment. I had an epiphany. I cried for a while. I realized something very truthful that I've been fooling myself about. It is amazing the way we deny things to ourselves. I know that it is a defense mechanism. There is nothing I can do about another's actions, words or thoughts. But, I can control how I react to them. I've spent most of this year NOT dealing with a huge issue. I was blindsided by it and I retreated from it. I didn't want to deal because then it would be real. The reality is that situation persists regardless of my actions. I've allowed it to alter me, my thoughts, my words, the way I live my life. That isn't right at all nor is it me. I've allowed this other version of me to exist in this space. The emotional, calm side of me. Which, quite frankly, is bullshit. I need to acknowledge my feelings. I am incredibly angry about it and ridiculously sad. And, those are two emotions that do not need to exist in one person at the same time. It's exhausting because I am fighting myself for reasons unknown. I am over it. 

I try to protect myself from the world. I do a very good job at it. I know that no one else will do it for me. I've learned the hard way that the only person I can truly depend on 24/7 is myself. That's not harsh or sad, it's just reality. I am the only one always looking out for my best interests. And, that is more than ok. I had to go through the breakup of relationships and the fracturing of friendships to learn it. I needed to experience the bad to know the good when I have it. 2013 has not been a good year thus far. That's my reality. The only thing I want is for it not to end the same way. I have to find the right avenue for me to pursue. I was truly enlightened about my life, who I am and who I need to become. I do not know exactly what I am doing noe or where I am going. But, I know that I cannot continue to be this version of myself. That is over. This epiphany was deep. I literally laid in bed for hours weeping (also, didn't help that I was listening to Yeezus). I know that I do not know where I am headed but I am excited to get there. 

Blame It On The Theraflu

I had a dream tonight. So real that it woke me up out of a Theraflu/Tylenol Cold & Sinus induced slumber. I passed out before 8pm last night. My dream was so vivid. The colors were shiny and beautiful. I couldn't wait to get some of the main points on paper. I feel inspired by it. Words means things (cc: Crissles). The words that were repeated throughout my dream were: vulnerable, They are words I normally don't associate myself with. But, if I am to be honest with myself, they are relevant. "Vulnerable" means capable or susceptible of being hurt, wounded; open to moral attack, criticism, temptation." I feel vulnerable at this point in my life. Totally open, raw and exposed to the world. It is one of the worst feelings. I can't cover it up or fake it. Every day, I try to overcompensate for this feeling. It is a fairly new emotion. I hate it.

The other word that kept showing itself in my dream was "option." I've been feeling that I was out of options. I know now that I'm not. I just let myself become consumed by what I was feeling. The reality is I have a plethora of options available to me. The world is still my oyster. Finally, someone in my dream who is actually not alive any more asked me this "what do you want?" That question was the point where I woke up. I wrote down a list of things that I want. My list scares me for many reasons. The list came from my heart. I do not know if I can have all the things on my list but they are what I want. My main objective is to make sure that I protect myself, my life and my heart at all costs. That may sound a little selfish. I'm ok with that. I am the most important person inn my life. And, no one else will take care of me or make me the priority that I will. It's ok for me to be selfish and take care of me. My dream actually made me feel really good about a lot of things. Things that I wasn't too sure of before. I may be rambling because of the Threaflu. But, I wanted to get this out while my dream was fresh in my mind. Happy Saturday people. I'm about to doctor on myself and go back to sleep.

Turning a Negative into a Positive

I remember the day I found out about my Aunt Gina's diagnosis. I was hurt and mad. I thought she would die. I did not know much about HIV or AIDS but the little I did know in 1996 wasn't good. But, God knew. It's been 19 years since she tested positive for HIV. Since then she has lived a life that most could only dream of. Two degrees and three jobs later, she is comfortably placed in her destiny. My Aunt has given a voice and a face to a stigma that most knew nothing about. She is an educator. She is one of the strongest women I know. She is the Phenomenal Woman that Maya Angelou spoke about. As her niece who has watched her live a life that has been amazing, I needed her to know that I am proud of her. She took her positive diagnosis and turned it into a positive life. That alone is worthy to be praised in my book. Below is her status she posted on her Facebook page a few days ago:

On this day in 1994 I was given what I thought was a death sentence. I walked into Charity Hospital's OB clinic, made my way to the nurse's office, and immediately knew something wasn't right (she wouldn't look at me) and then she said, "You have AIDS and you're going to die:-( 

It was devastating, embarrassing, and heartbreaking (I'd finally gotten my life on track) I was so afraid of dying AND of having anyone find out my HIV status (I told my mother, sisters, and my children's father..and no one else) I was also afraid because I was pregnant at this time. I met an angel named Margot on that same day, she gave me HOPE! She said if I did 3 things I could live; attend all Dr's appointments, take meds as prescribed, and learn EVERYTHING I could about HIV/AIDS. It wasn't always easy but I've always been DETERMINED to live!

I gave birth to a healthy baby girl on November 29th, 1994 (just because she wasn't perinatally infected, that does not mean she can not become behaviorally infected) and I named her Jamanii because it means faith in Jah! 

I really grew up after my HIV diagnosis, I became SELFLESS and I still am selfless. Over the years I've laughed, loved, cried, and argued with other positive women:-) Lifelong friendships have been formed and I am eternally grateful to all the women who've mentored me over the years, women like; Linda Scruggs, Loretta Jennings, Mary Boutte, Deon Heywood, Dazon Dixon Diallo, Pat Nalls, Naina Khanna and my PWN-USA sisters:-) Eventually I learned to tell my story in SAFE places (the clinic, HIV conferences, etc.) and then it was time to tell the rest of my family and friends, so I went on TV and diclosed my HIV status, people excepted my status and really showed me that they still loved me regardless of anything else! 

I find it amazing that I was born on Martin Luther King's bday and was diagnosed with HIV on the day of his death;-/ Fast forward to 2013 and here I am an educated woman with 2 degrees, a wonderful mother, an awesome (cool) GeeGee, an organizer with a wonderful agency (AU), Board member of PWN-USA and an expert on MY HIV:-) I share this because I know how easy it is to think HIV only happens to "those people", well I'm here to tell you, HIV can happen to ANYONE who has sex without a condom. HIV does not care what's in your bank account nor does it care how you look, HIV is a disease of opportunity, if you give it the opportunity it will come on in! Be safe, Be careful and love you enough to Take the Test, knowing your HIV status is very important and it will save your life! I put myself out here because I truly care and would hate to see/hear that you are sick. 

Life has been really good to me. I have had doors opened for me and try to give back to my community. Jah has blessed me with 19 years of living this Positive life and all I can say is, "Thank You, Jah!" Stay tuned y'all the BEST is yet to come! Next year, if Jah says so, I will be having a 20th year blowout!! I love you, now show how much you love yourself by getting that TEST;-) #IneverthoughtIdbehere!

Her story is an amazing one. She has literally turned her life around. She made it happen for herself. The HIV/AIDS epidemic is still real. There is so much information on HIV and AIDS today. People need to be tested and know their status. Gina has been someone I have looked up to since I was a little girl. She is my Mom's youngest sister and is only 13 years older than me. She has been like a big sister to me as well. I love just talking with her about so many things. I wrote this to just shine a little light on her because she is a star to me. If you are interested in finding out more about my aunt, you can watch her story here. This was part of a national program that aired as commercials on channels such as BET. Also, the lady in lilac is my Mommie :) (Hi Mom). My aunt radiates a light that no human can put out. That is God given. She is simply amazing. Love you, G!

In The Mirror

I sometimes talk to myself. Not neccessarily outlloud. But, in my head, I have full on discussions. I do not find this weird at all. This year, I've started doing something that is very weird. Even to me. Every morning, I get in front of the bathroom mirror and tell myself some hard truths. Actually, some of the things I say to  myself aren't neccessarily true but they are things I need to hear in order to prepare myself for what may come. I tell myself good things about myself as well as bad. I acknowledge my faults and things I've done wrong. I hold myself accountable. Maybe a bit too much. But, I do it. No one is going to be that truthful with me. I also know that I'm my own worst critic. I'm harder on myself than I am on anyone else.

When I first started this experiment, I made myself cry everyday. Now, weeks later, the words hurt much less. There aren't nearily as many tears. I talk to myself to make myself accountable for everything I do, think or say. I am very conscious of the things I say and do. My thoughts, however, have a mind of their own. I think my mind races because I am a creative person. I imagine some of the worst case scenarios becuase I like to be fully prepared for any and everything. This might make me a little pessimistic about some things. But, I like to call myself a realist. I want to be able to look in the mirror and always like what I see. I also want to always be able to look myself in the eyes. My Mom says I'm too hard on myself. I know that she is right. I just don't know any other way to be. Being tough has helped me grow. The mirror can be your friend or your foe. I want it to be my friend.

The Father Files: Part III "Presence & Absence"

So, I am up wrestling with insomnia. Again. Which is the norm these days. Browsing Tumblr and I read something that literally makes my heart stop. The above poem did it. I could not breathe. Thise few words had a deep impact on me. My father is a topic I've explored before here and here. I've also thought of myself as a woman who wasn't that deeply affected by my Father's absence in my life. He was never truly absent in the fact that I always knew where he was and how to contact him. He just wasn't a constant daily figure in my life. I never wondered who my Father was. My parents married before I was born. I carry his last name. He just was not a hands on Father. He never came to my school plays or saw me perform with the Pep Squad or any of the debates for the Speech and Debate Club. He probably could only name one of my ex boyfriends. He didn't know that I hated pink as a teen. The little things that my Mom could rattle off in her sleep, he did not know.

But, it is quite possible that his presence would have been as damaging as his absence. Either way, I was slighted. His absence may be the reason that I'm not married or that I don't have my own family. His spotty presence and often absence affects me to this day. I am guarded in ways I shouldn't be. In the back of my mind, I am always afraid that if I let someone get close to me that they will leave. This is a middle of the night, self actualization moment. My Father decided to be a visitor in my life. I have had to work out some issues because of it. I wish I could've had one last heart to heart with him. Just so he could know how much little girls need their Dads. I became tough because of it. I used my sarcastic wit and intelligence as a shield to hide from the absence of him. I know that I've grown since then. Even now, I feel the remnants of who I used to be. She still has an affect on who I'm becoming. In closing, I'd just like to say that fathers matter. Their presence or absence will always cast a wide shadow. This is just food for thought.

My Life is a "Sex & the City" Episode

My life, in parts, can almost always be summed up in "Sex & the City" quotes. The most ridiculous, insane, amazing, wonderful moments of my life are stored away in my head. And I always associate them with SATC moments. I have blogged before about my connection with ths show here and here. I tweeted something today that sparked this blog. It's crazy how a show can stay with you. I've been a fan since the first episode. Years later, I can still relate to the characters. Those four women, so unlike me, still feel familiar to me. Me, a little black girl from New Orleans, who has never been to NYC or owned a Birkin bag. I related to those four women.



Granted I haven't had the relationship track record they had or even the life moments. But there was something about them that spoke to a particular place in my life. Today, I just thought about some of my favorite quote from the show. I also remembered how they have been relevant to my life at different times. I felt like sharing a few of them here. If you're a SATC fan, then in sure you'll recognize them. Reminisce with me for a while. I'm going to watch the last season of SATC.

I've Decided...

^^^^ This gif is my new personal mantra. Being sad sucks. It solves nothing, changes nothing. My situation is still the same. No amount of tears or stressing or being sad will change any of it. Being sad is time consuming, life consuming. It has taken over every aspect of my personality, of my life, and my body. And, I am so tired. Tired of feeling this sadness, tired of carrying this heaviness around daily in my heart. I have decided that I can't bear this weight any longer. It's suffocating me. I've been drowning in my own sea of sadness. And, then I finally had a light bulb moment. I am my own savior from this. No one else can save me from these feelings. So, I became my own life boat.



I am thankful for the site Penzu. It is an online journal site. It has saved me. I've written so much there. It has given me a place to get out all of my sadness, anger, questions, concerns, thoughts and ramblings. I have never been the woman who shared everything. I solve my own problems. I'm the one everyone comes to for advice. So, now that I am in a position where I really need to talk, I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to. So, I vent online under a very securely protected account. It's my solace through this. I was writing multiply times a day on Penzu. Now, I am down to just once a day. I give myself one moment to feel all the sadness my heart holds, to think all the thoughts and get them all out in one sitting. During the day, I have found ways to get out of my own head. The nights are still torture, still the hardest part of my day. Writing helps this writer. Also, so does my Tumblr page. I deleted my old one but I'm back on it. I post songs, quotes and photos that express whatever is on my mind. That may not be a good thing, but I do it anyway.



It's strange how one moment can make you question everything. That's what I've been dealing with. The "what ifs" and the "how comes." They run rampant in my head. And, they keep me up all hours of the night. I haven't really figured out how to prevent this. I've tried ZZZquil and sometimes it works. Meditation does not because I can't clear my mind to do it. But, I am working through it. But, I feel like I am on the mend. I do not know how long it will be before I am back to myself. I am holding on to that hope. I am still sad. I am just not allowing myself to wallow in it. I have been doing that for almost a month now. No good has come of it. Actually, I've made myself feel worse. So, I'm done with that. I'm over that phase. I have to be. There is no other choice to be made.

So, This Happened This Week

Hospitals freak me out. I just don't like them. I have no issues with doctors or nurses. But, hospitals just aren't my scene. I went to sleep Sunday night perfectly fine and healthy. I woke up looking like a totally different person. Half of my face was swollen. I did not know what was wrong. I thought maybe I slept too hard and it would go away on its on. I wasn't in any pain. It appeared worse than it felt. I attempted to treat myself at home. I used a heating pad on my face, an ice pack, a hot towel all to slight results. My face was still swollen when I went to bed Monday night. I woke up Tuesday morning more swollen than I was Monday. I began to worry a little because now there was pain. I googled my symptoms. I was wondering if I had been bitten or if this was something extremely serious. I used the hot towel for about an hour. And, the swelling subsided so much that I believed I was in the clear. I took some extra strength Tylenol for the pain. And this is where I went wrong, I took a nap. My face, lips, nose and eyes were all swollen when I woke up. I went straight to the ER at a local hospital. That was an adventure in itself. There were blood tests, CAT scans, IV drips full of Benadryl, antibiotics and saline. My blood pressure was ridiculously high, which is abnormal for me. My heart rate was elevated because I was scared and nervous. I had a fever of 103.2 and it dropped to 101.1 after 2 hours. It was normal when I was discharged.

The swelling has subsided a lot which is awesome. I am in no pain thank God. I will never sit around and wait before going to the doctor again. If I can avoid it, the ER will never see me again. The highlight of this particular adventure was running into an old high school friend who is now the head nurse of the hospital. He talked to me while I was getting an IV and while I was waiting on my CAT scan results. He truly calmed me down. My fear of hospitals, not feeling well and being extremely cold caused me to have a slight anxiety attack. I've never had an extended hospital stay, never had an IV before or a CAT scan. So, everything was huge for me that night/morning. I was freaking myself out thinking of worst case scenarios. I'm grateful for the nurses and the two residents who worked with me. They were so nice. I have another appointment later this week. I left with a diagnosis that didn't freak me out. It's something simple and can be taken care of quickly. So, I am better but not completely myself yet. I feel like the oddest things happen to me lol. I will always have great stories to tell when I get old. This has been my anything but ordinary week. I'm on the road to recovery. So, if you are praying folks, send up one for me.

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

The last four days have been a page straight out of a book I loved as a kid. My life was exactly like the story of "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day." Seriously. The title of the book describes the way I've felt for the last half of the week. I've tried to remain positive in my words and in my thoughts this week. I've succeeded in many ways. But, this heat was oppressive. It challenged my positive vibes on more than one day. This is just my short account of my life this week in the aftermath of Hurricane Isaac.It has been an ordeal to say the least. I am not sorry that I stayed because I was in no immediate danger. It did not flood in my area at all. The aftermath was the bane of my existence.

The actual hurricane was bearable. It rained for over 24 hours straight. The winds were clocked at 80 mph. It was loud and dark and a little scary. But I was fine. I was safe, dry and unharmed so I was thankful. However, waking up to a hot house was not pleasant at all. My parish (known as counties to the rest of you) lost power about 6:30 am on Wednesday morning. The heat wasn't too bad that day due to the rain and wind of Isaac. The temperature was nice most of the day. Things began to take a turn for the worse on Thursday, August 30th. This was the day the temperature started to creep up. This was the second day without power. I was restless, hot and disgusted. Oh and this was the day the cold showers started. I was praying for Entergy to turn on the lights. They did not. I was not pleased. I did not complain because it wouldn't solve anything.

So, now we've made it to Friday. Friday was horrible. Just plain terrible. It was hot and humid. And, I still did not have power. The company sent a crew to begin work on restoring the power. They, of course, did not finish the job. Thus, ending in another hot night of restless sleep. My transitioning natural hair was not happy either. I've learned that too much exposure to heat and humidity makes for a sight on top of my head. It was poufy. I was frustrated and hot as hell. Saturday was the day that things changed. At exactly 3:32 pm, my power came back on. I have never in my life been so happy to hear the central air click on. I was ecstatic. It was finally over. I think I may sleep so long and comfortably. I need it. This has been a long week in which I've only slept between 4 -5 hours each night. It was too hot to sleep any longer than that.

As is the case with most hurricanes, the aftermath was the worst part. It was what I would not want to go through again. I just cannot take it. I am so glad that I made it through this ordeal. I know some lost their homes and cars. I feel sorry for them and I am praying for them. I am truly sorry about the few people who lost their lives. I know that others had it worse than me this week. I know I am blessed. Truly, divinely, thoroughly blessed. Thank God for favor. I am just glad that it is all over.

Rant: So Food Poisoning...

Food poisoning sucks. It has to be the worst thing ever. The last 24 hours have been hell. No, like my literal definition of hell. I was the victim of food poisoning. It has been just awful. I ate some pasta from one of my (former) favorite restaurants.2 hours later, I thought I was going to die. My bathroom and I became reacquainted in a way that I don't ever want to again. I spent a good ten hours, off and on, on the bathroom floor. It was not a good night/morning at all. I was basically projectile vomiting. I even threw up orange juice. Do you know how awful that is? Words would do it any justice. Just know that it was not pretty. At all. It's been hell.



The above photo, along with dry toast and tea, is all that I've ingested in the last 48 hours. And, let me tell you that I'm beyond sick of it. I think I officially abhor saltine crackers. They are dry and get stuck in my throat. I can live the rest of my live without ever eating another one. This experience has definitely opened my mind about some things. Maybe I need to weed some food items out of my life. All I know is right at this moment, I am starving. And, even worse, I'm afraid to eat anything. So for now, I'm sticking to liquids and soup until further notice. For now, I'm just recovering in the land of the sick and shut in. Seriously, I just want my tummy back.

Classic Music: Mary J. Blige "My Life"

I was thinking about what cd to feature for my second Classic Music post. The artist was easy: Mary J. Blige. I have been a fan since the first time I heard her voice and saw her video on The Box. I may be showing my age with that reference but oh well. Mary has always been a favorite of mine. There was a rawness in her voice that pulled me in. She was ratable. Picking a cd was hard. I narrowed it down to two cds: "My Life" and "Share My World." These are my two favorite Mary cds. I went through them track by track to finally chose one. "My Life" won out slightly on tracks that I absolutely love.

Mary's sophomore cd was epic in so many ways. "My Life" was dark and moody and filled with heartbreak. The songs were just awesome. I was only 14 when this cd was released. I had not felt any of the emotions Mary was singing about but that did not stop me from feeling her words. Her singles were all wonderful. But, I always seem to love the unreleased tracks on cds. They are the hidden gems to me. I would play this album from beginning to end almost daily. It played an integral part in my sophomore year of high school. I would play "My Life" and write this deep, dark poetry. I was very empathetic to what Mary was feeling. Outside of Teena Marie, Mary was my favorite singer.

"My Life" was definitive to Mary's career. I believe it positioned her firmly in her role as the "Queen of Hip Hop Soul." There hasn't been another soulful singer that possessed everything that Mary has. Granted, she wasn't the best live singer in the beginning and her drug/alcohol problems didn't help. But, here we are almost 20 years after her debut, and she is still here. She gives a great show nowadays. I have seen her many times. I like the newer songs but live for the early Mary tracks. They always get me so hyped. "My Life" may have been a dark time in Mary's life, it's great that she came through to the other side. Below are a few of my favorite songs from that cd. Listen to some vintage Mary J. Blige and enjoy!

Introspective For Life

I'm not perfect. No where near it. None of us are. I have never wanted to get to my definition of perfect anyway. I am complex and intricate and simple all rolled into one. I love me and am still growing. I am the epitome of a work in progress. My complexity can be a bit much. I know this. But I also know that I'm a woman who's worth the wait, the effort and will always be that woman. All of that makes me think of the song from "Dreamgirls," "I am changing. Trying every way I can. I am changing, I'll be better than I am. I'm hoping to work it out and I know that I can." This describes me in this moment.

I'm working on me. Taking the time to watch the information I take in. I'm eliminating a lot of reality tv as well as the entire genre of urban lit books. I'm getting into motivational literature. I feel like that genre will be more beneficial to my life. I'm still reading the Bible. This also helps with the exploration of my spirituality. I'm intrigued by so many spiritual and religious aspects of life. This def falls in line with my intense thirst for knowledge. I crave it because I
need it.

I'm more insightful now. I'm speaking my life into existence. I am careful with my thoughts and my words. I'm trying my best to eliminate curse words. They aren't necessary. Even if they feel good coming put of my mouth when someone deserves to be read. All of these things are a struggle. The immature pieces of me, which are very few, are being weeded out. I think I've been more adult and mature all of my life because of the childhood I had. I was my mom's backup. That girl can no longer reside inside the woman I'm meant to become. So she has to go. And, I am more than ok with that. I need to let go to move towards my future.

I know I think too much. I am very conscious and cautious with my life and the decisions that I make. I've never been very spontaneous or even rowdy. I'm the oldest and that mothering spirit has been a part of me since birth I believe. I've never really let loose or lost control or just simply wilded out. Nor do I want to do any of that. I'm all about forward progression. I'm letting go of all the things in my past that are keeping me from flying. This blog is def me laying my heart on the line. I figure if I write it out, I'll be more accountable. I'm just ready for the next level of things include life. more so than I've ever been before. I just feel like I'm in a good space and so good thing will come to fruition within me. Whatever is for me, is only for me. I'm so ready. I'm uber excited about my future!!

Musical Moment that coincides with this post: Jennifer Hudson "I Am Changing"